Friday, April 30, 2010

I feel sick, sick, sick in my heart.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Something's wrong.

I used to take great joy in blogging, but now it feels like every time I sit down to do it, it feels like such a chore, and I just can't get into it. I have stories to tell, and there are things going on, but I just can't make myself write them down.


Friday, April 16, 2010

Existentialism, Obituaries and Clubbing

I get creeped out so bad when I see pictures of recently dead people. It's like seeing a ghost. There's a group that a friend of mine just joined on Facebook, 'RIP Shelby Nicole Hamilton'. Out of morbid curiousity, I decided to browse it. There was a photo gallery, and I wish I hadn't looked. Not that there was anything wrong with the pictures. They were just happy and silly, a young girl fooling around with her friends. But that almost made it worse. It really is like seeing a ghost, like she was still alive or something. Which brings me to this existentialist question:

Does death really exist in modern society?

When people died in the past, that was it. You basically never saw their face again. There wasn't a whole lot of picture taking back then, unless you were well off, so once they were gone, it was goodbye forever. But these days, with digital cameras, camcorders and microphones, you can stick around for a long, long time. Like commercials with Billy Mays, or Brittany Murphy movies, or music by Michael Jackson. It's like they're talking to you from beyond the grave, and it seriously weirds me out. Uptown Girls was on the other day, and KI kept forgetting that Murphy was dead. I'd laugh at something she was doing, and then (re)realized, "Oh god, she's dead." I have to change the channel when a Billy Mays commercial comes on, no joke. It really is like seeing a ghost.

But on the other hand, I enjoy reading obituaries of the recently deceased. I just like the stories, really. The long ones are the best. Names of their family, where they lived, what they did, what they were like. There was a lady today who was born in 1918! My god, that was almost 100 years ago. Can you even imagine being that old? One day, someone's going to be reading my obituary and say "Holy shit, 1990? That was so, so long ago." And it will be so, so long ago, because I am going to live to be 110. Why? Merely because I want to live to see a new century. Wouldn't that be awesome? I want to be so old, that I'm like, one of the only people that remembers owning and iPod or something.

Here's a fun idea, kids! Let's write our own obituaries! I'll share mine:

Lisa Recchia
June 29th, 1990 - (???), 2100

Born during the style-challenged era known as the "90s", Lisa
was born in Etobicoke, Ontario, and later forsook the East for Vancouver,
for the mountains and ocean, that were all eventually named after her.
As a young woman, she enjoyed the Internet, moving in time to music, and
reading the obituaries of others. She always wanted to the others like her to
know that they are not alone. It is okay to take solace in the stories of the
dead. Lisa enjoyed a fruitful life of adventure, money, and handsome men
from foreign lands, sometimes named Julio. Eventually becoming the most
famous writer in the entire world, she lived by the pen, and died by the
sword. Literally. It was in her final duel with her longtime nemesis, Sven
Orggeson, that she met with Fate, and was stabbed over 100 times before
having her heart cut out and eaten, so Orggeson could gain her powers.
The end.

I am going to put it in my will, that this has to be my obituary, no matter what. I want this to be run in every newspaper of the time, for a solid week. Now, write your own obituary and post it in the comments! Not that anybody ever comments! Even though I've asked very politely! You fuckers!

So, I am going clubbing for the first, and possibly the last, time in my life tomorrow evening. The place: Republic. I'm all anxious about it too. It's like a party, only 10 times worse. Why? There's dancing. I always used to think I was a decent dancer. And then I'm not sure what happened. I got fat(ter), or possibly just saw a recording of myself dancing. Fuuucccckkkk. So now my confidence is shot. I'll have to make up for it with a great outfit, which I thankfully have. I'm probably only going to stick around for an hour though before heading over to Max's for the night. Some cool people from work are going to be there, like Andrew, Zaffy, Shaarah, Ashley and I can't remember who else, so that should be okay.

Anyway, peace out for now. Got an early shift tomorrow, and I have to get enough sleep so I can wake up with enough time to straighten my hair. How exciting.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Kaki King and Webcomics(?)

I don't think I've ever really talked about Kaki King on here before. Let's start now.

Kaki King is, without a doubt, the coolest musician I've ever had to pleasure to listen to. Words that come to mind are 'affecting', 'stirring' and 'breathtaking'. It's hard to properly describe how I feel about this music. I feel like I can only express my passion for it through movement, not words. Like, I feel like I have to dance when I hear it. Or sway, or tap my feet, or move my hands, shoulders, head, hips. This isn't music to sit still to. It requires movement. Kaki King is a musical goddess. It was by happy accident that I discovered her. Just some video on Youtube that was on "Videos Being Watched Now". It was Playing With Pink Noise. I was practically spellbound watching her manipulate those guitar strings. I thought she was just some Youtube phenomenom, but after a search on Limewire, I discovered I was pleasantly mistaken. Fast forward (two years?) and now I'm addicted. Yesss. And finally, I'm putting some of this music on my home computer, which is the one I sync my iPod with, so I can listen to Kaki King in such cool places as the bus! Yeah!

Okay, end gushing.

Drawing is hard. Not hard in the sense that I'm not good at it. I'm pretty decent, if I don't say so myself. But keeping up with it? Constantly drawing new expressions, poses... Needless to say, it's a challenge for someone with an attention span as short as mine. And an Internet addiction as serious as mine. It's difficult to focus.
But I really, really want to get this webcomic dream off the ground. I love webcomics so much, and I've wanted to do my own for awhile now. I would probably only be able to update once a week, but there are other things worrying me. Mostly the technical stuff. I seriously don't know anything about computers. In grade 5, we were given the project of designing our own webpage, basically an 'About Me' page. Keep in mind this was 2000, so computers were still pretty ghetto. And I failed it. One of the reasons being that I didn't have a computer in my house yet (and wouldn't, until 2004) so I had no time to work on it, and another being I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Seriously, everyone else got like, 100%, and I just never submitted mine, because I had no idea how to do anything. They talked about coding, and all that html bullshit, but I was completely in the dark. I remember getting really frustrated, because if everyone else could do it, it must be simple. But I just couldn't get it.

Soooo, just an old fear of failure coming back to haunt me.Thankfully I know some intelligent people who will (hopefully) help me. And, and! I'm going to buy a scanner with my next paycheque! Super excited about this! Now I can finally submit things to deviantart! Whooo.

Just had a Jones Soda, and the fortune under the bottle cap said "The project you have in mind now gains momentum." Score!

PS. Already thinking of Halloween costumes. I want to go for something Internet meme related. A lolcat?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Recipes and New Ideas


As I sit here drinking homemade lemonade, hands stained red with strawberry juice from the chocolate-strawberry birthday cake I just made for my brother, and eating delicious curry vermicelli, I can't help but think about food.

Today I watched like, a million cooking shows, including French Food at Home, Chef at Home, Ricardo and Friends, and Everyday Exotic, and the recipes I managed to collect today are seriously GOLDEN. Pineapple salsa! Salmon wrapped in prosciutto! Lamb meatballs with mint yogurt sauce! Lobster in cognac sauce with blanched vegetables! Homemade strawberry ice cream! My destiny is clear to me now: I must have a dinner party.

I've been wanting to do one for so long, and now not only do I have the perfect recipes in mind, but I also have the most perfect dress that I bought just the other day, for maximum hostess power. And I was going to find a picture of it on the Forever 21 website, but I bought it on sale for like, $24 off it's regular price (it was originally $34.99, but I got it for $10.99!). It's a perfect little navy blue thing.

Watching Sherlock Holmes again, and I have to say, it is one of my new favourite movies. Partly because I love that they portrayed Watson the way he was supposed to be, the music, the costumes and the mystery, but mostly because of Robert Downey Jr. Seriously the coolest Sherlock Holmes ever. I could watch this movie every day. I even like Lord Blackwood, despite being the bad guy. And it's great that they kind of had Mortiarty in it, hinting at a sequel.

Ooh, and I have some interesting news. I finally have an idea that I like, and I want to make a webcomic, for real this time. I won't say what it's about right now, because you're obviously all out to steal my ideas. And I don't want to get anyone's hopes up in case I don't actually do it, which happens around me a lot. There are many things I said I'd do, and then never got around to doing. Yuuup.
Also, there's a lot of technical stuff I have to think about. Setting up a website? Uploading stuff? Selling ad space? How the fuck do I do all of that? Thankfully I know some brilliant computer people (which is just Max for now) who should help me get this off the ground. I think it could be really cool. And I've always, always wanted a comic to call my own.

So, I'll try getting regular updates to happen again! Right now I'm sketching and writing and dreaming up more ideas, so let's see what I can make of things...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Second Chances and Who The Fuck Even Knows

Tomorrow. I am meeting up with Max tomorrow.

I emailed him, and said that I think I spoke too quickly, and I regret (so, so much) saying no to trying to work things out. And I do, I really do. I was so hasty, so quick, that I didn't stop to think about anything. I was tired from that week at the Girl Guide camp (did I tell you that I'd worked on the Saturday for 15 hours, with only a 1 1/2 hour break? I was exhausted), and instead of taking a night to sleep on it, I went right for the money.

And I seriously don't know what to think now. Yesterday, I was SO SURE I'd made the right decision. But I should know myself well enough by know to realize that I can never be sure about anything.

I just want things to be the way they used to be.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Friday, April 2, 2010

New Moon: Because I Hate Myself

Because I like fucking with myself, I am taking on the burden of watching New Moon. Why? I like to be knowledgeable about the things I don't like. I've read bits of the Bible, watched The Real Housewives of the OC, and done so much cocaine- er, nevermind.

As I mentioned earlier today (I know, so many posts?) I had the great misfortune of stumbling upon MLIT (, and it got me thinking. What is so fucking great about this shit? And New Moon, shut up about it already. So, for the sake of science, I am watching New Moon right now. I'm trying to watch it objectively, but you'll probably see my bias showing.

Okay, let's begin.

Huh, freaky dream where Bella is realizing the reality of her relationship. She will get old, Edward won't, blah blah blah. Wake up, it's her 18th birthday. She seems awfully jaded about 'aging', as she puts it. You're only turning 18, for Christ's sake. Damn, I'm turning 20 in June. I think that's a little more to worry about.
Okay, the rivalry between Jacob and Edward is more apparent, but fuck, tell me something I don't already know. Plus, these are supposed to be teenagers? Jacob looks like a MAN. It's a little off-setting. And I'm really not seeing why Edward is supposed to be so attractive. I mean, he's not ugly or anything. But he's just so pale, and he speaks in that stupid monotone. Well, I guess that's something that he and Bella have in common.

Okay, birthday party at the Cullen's. Silly Bella is sooo clumsy, she sliced herself open on a piece of wrapping paper. Seriously? I cut myself on the meat slicer at work and it didn't look as bad as that. Jasper goes nuts because Bella is just so freaking delicious smelling, so Edward punches her into a table and a bunch of tastefully placed vases. Bella's arm is practically shredded open, and she's going to need stitches.
Now, I'd say that I'm a pretty tough person. I don't cry very easily after getting hurt, but I'm pretty sure I'd be hysterical if someone was stitching my fucking arm up. But Bella is all balls, not even flinching. Really? I know she's got that dead eyed stare and emotionless voice, but she surely must feel pain? Or is she too special for that? PS. Bella totally looks like she has the hots for Carlisle, which, in this terrible series, is the least weird and gross thing that could have happened. Anyways, talk about worst birthday ever.

WHOA WHOA WHOA. Okay, Bella get's a camera for her birthday, and is just snapping pictures of vampires. You know what, Stephanie Meyer? Fuck you. You can't just re-write one of the most important things about the vampire myth! They don't have reflections, so why the fuck would they show up in pictures? Well, I suppose Edward has to have a reflection, otherwise how is he going to do his hair every morning?

Man, Edward is just hanging out in Bella's room when she's at school. I know this is supposed to show that he 'loves her' or some fucked up shit, but that's all that it is: fucked up shit.

Alright, Edward's leaving. I love how he treats her like some animal he's trying to get rid of. "Go on! Git! I hate you! I -sob- never liked you anyway!" And Bella sure is upset is using all the emotion she can muster. "Please. Don't." So, she runs and runs until it's dark, and then stumbles onto the ground and falls asleep in the middle of the forest.
Aaaand now a half-naked man is carrying the unconscious Bella. Really? You're trying to pass these guys off as teenager? He is fucking RIPPED. I mean, he is a werewolf, but shit, let's try and add some realism, shall we?

Aw, and now Bella's sad. I know he's your first boyfriend and everything, but fuck, I'M not even taking it that hard. 3 months of sitting around moping? My god. This is an awesome message for young girls everywhere. "When your boyfriend dumps you, you're life is over forever." You know what's really bothering me, though? In three months, her hair doesn't even grow. And whoa, what the fuck is going on here. she's having like, screaming, spasmodic night terrors every night. Who screams like that?

Okay. so, now she only hallucinates Edward when she's in danger. The obvious conclusion is to then just continually put yourself in danger, no? Like, getting on the back of a strange man's motorcycle, who then drives off into an alley so he can presumably rape her. And I LOVE how her friend doesn't give a shit.
"That was... such a rush."
"Oh, what, so you're an adrenaline junkie now? That's great. Well, you can go bungie jumping, instead of getting on the back of some random losers bike, alright?"
Ohhh, Bella has an idea! So she goes along to see boy toy extraordinaire, Jacob and brings him some shitty old motorcycles to fix so she can chase her high. As they are listening to possibly the gayest song a teenage werewolf who's into fixing motorcycles could ever possibly listen to, Bella turns it off, saying she doesn't "really like music anymore." Get it? Because she is just so fucking sad. And whoa, Jacob is younger than Bella? I don't know why that's so weird.

Okay, so on their first test run of the bikes, Bella goes a little crazy and crashes into a rock. Jacob rushes over, and she apologizes for bleeding? "It's just blood, it's no big deal." So, to stop the flow of the blood, he takes his shirt off and shows us his perfect, cheese grater abs. THANK GOD, WOUND HEALED.

HAHAHA, fuck! So Bella goes to see a movie with Jacob and some jackass who's name I can't remember. Anyway, it's an action movie called Facepunch (TOTALLY would see that if it's real), and as the shooting starts, jackass has to run out of the threatre because he's going to barf. A Jacob puts it, "What a marshmallow!" Well, that was a kind of weird way to put it, and I have to take points away from Meyer's writing again. What self respecting youngster uses 'marshmallow'? Big kids use words like 'pussy' and 'faggot'.

You know, I have to say, this movie is a lot better without Edward in it. Oh fuck, does that mean I'm on Team Jacob or some stupid shit? Fuck.

Okay, after a brief internet malfunction, I am back. And actually less disgusted than I thought I would be.

Oh my. Poor jackass is back from puking, and Jacob has some beef with him now as he threatens to put him in the hospital. For some reason? "Jake... Jake, you're really hot." Get it? Edward's cold, Jacob's hot. This is some goooood writing.

OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD, one of Bella's dads friends was the guy who played that mean tree on Dudley the Dragon! Shit, what was his name? Crabby? Oh man, total flashback. Oh, and Jacob is going through his werewolf metamorphosis right now, she he can't come out and play. Er. I mean, he has... mono? And he cut his hair. That's what I did when I had mono.

Well, shit. Apparently becoming a werewolf turns you into a complete dick, because now Jacob is tearing a strip out of Bella for hanging out with "those filthy bloodsuckers you love so much, the Cullen's." Wow, people are just abandoning the Bella ship left right and centre. First Edward, then her friend Jessica, now Jacob? I guess the only answer is cliff diving (spoiler).

As a side note, I love Bella's flashbacks of Edward, especially the one where they lie chastely nect to each other. It's just too hilarious. And fuck, the sparkles! It is the most un-sexy thing ever. It reminds me of seven year old girls, and unicorns. Also, Jacob just climbed up the side of her fucking house, and Bella doesn't even give a shit. What.

Advice, Bella? Cut your loses and just get with Jacob. He is seriously 10 times more attractive than that Edward pussy, and he is seriously ripped. And he is sitting on your bed. Now, I do not like Twilight or Twilight related things at all, but even I would tap the underage werewolf that's chilling out in my room.

Anyway, wolf's out of the bag, Bella knows. Actually, the werewolves seem a lot more chill than the vampires. But dear GOD, this movie is so long. I have work at 8 in the morning, but I hate stopping a movie half way through. Especially since I'm only watching it online where there's no scene selection. I'm actually getting a little bored.

Anyway, so Bella flies to Italy, Alice hijacks a car, they go to a small town where NONE of the people look remotely Italian (trust me, I'm half. I can tell) and stop a small girl from telling her mom that she saw a sparkly fag.
Man, you fucking kids and your Romeo and Juliet. I have to get this off my chest. Listen, they were not in love. They thought they were in love. They saw each other at a party, thought the other was hot stuff, and then were just really horny for the rest of the time. That would be like me going to one of Chiara's parties, spotting a boy I thought to be attractive and then killing myself for him. They were just kids with crushes. So STOP making movies and singing songs that try to parallel this, okay? You really do not want to be like Romeo and Juliet.

"I have one condition."
"Marry me, Bella."

Right! I forgot that you're not allowed to have sex with someone until you're married to them! How silly and unchristian.

Okay, the two best parts of this movie. When they werewolves were fighting each other, and when a group of unwitting tourists was led right into the vampires lair and killed for their blood. The rest was so-so. Waaay too long for my tastes, and the plot and the acting is really just not good. And honestly, not worth the hype it got, at all. There's really no good way to end this, so I guess I'll just say, Twitards are stupid noobs aaaand they lick balls or something typical of me, I guess. The end, thank god.

PS. Another thought was had while I was at work.
Okay, so Edward goes to kill himself via death by exposure to Italians (classic). If he exposes the secret world of the vampires, the vampire high court of some bullshit will kill him. Sure, makes sense I guess.
Except, when you think of this: Meyer's vampires don't burn in sun. They sparkle. Now, if you were just outside minding your own business, and some shirtless, pale lad comes sauntering morosely toward you, and he starts sparkling in the sunlight, is your first thought "OH MY GOD, A VAMPIRE." Because who the FUCK sees a sparkly fag and thinks bloodsucker. Even in Meyer's book world, people don't actually go around thinking that vampires fucking SPARKLE in the sun. Maybe if at one point, she had someone else mention "omg, vampires totally sparkle in the sun, EVERYONE knows that." Then it would be believable. HA! Faulty logic on your part, Meyer, you retarded fuck.

Me Days and Twitards

This I'm-trying-really-hard-not-to-think-about-Max update is brought to you by Depression and Amanda-says-it's-good-for-'personal-growth'!

While I was busy sitting at home on my laptop (literally?!) I decided to check out My Life Is Average. No particularly interesting ones today. Except there was this one:

"Today, my dad was feeling down because he got laid off. I showed my dad He didn't get the stories. I then showed him He laughed, fell out of his chair, and raised my allowance. He thought it was the stupidest thing he had ever read. MLIA"

I thought this was some kind of sick, awful joke. No fucking way there was a site like this, no way in hell. This horrible Twilight obsession that is rampant right now is so annoying. It's not even good writing! So, I had to see for myself. Sadly, it's real.

You thought YOU were pathetic? Get a load of this shit, seriously.

"Today, I told my History teacher that I was a vampire and I had eaten seven humans over the weekend. I am no longer her favourite, just the weirdo who sits in the corner. MLIT!"

"Today I made out with my large sybarian husky because he reminded me of Jacob. MLIT"

"As of now, I have 4 days til I get on my Greyhound. Destination? FORKS! I'm moving there. Seriously. My apartment's already set up. I have a job at a Twilight tourist shop. I love my life! MLIT."

And now, perhaps the saddest one of all:

"I have a life-sized cardboard cutout of Edward in my room. When I saw New Moon again I bought an extra ticket and had Edward sit next to me. Best date ever. MLIT"

Twitards, just... just stop. There are no vampires or werewolves out there, and if there are, they are not sexy. Not even a little. I want you all to know this and stop pretending that Twilight is real, alright?

EDIT: I stand corrected. Here is the saddest one of all:

"Today, I realized Im pretty much going to fail the IB because I cant stop reading the Twilight Saga over and over again. Its totally worth it. Who cares about Anna Karenina when you can read about Edward and Bella? MLIT"

Holy fuck, I felt something inside me shrivel up and die. Who cares about Anna Karenina when you can read about fucking Edward and Bella? Holy fuck. That's like saying who gives a shit about Shakespeare when you could read the stunning literary gems of Stephanie Meyer. Because screw the legacy Billy left the world. I want some more teenage sexual tension.

And that's pretty much all that's going on today. I'm supposed to be going out to dinner with Carla and Cerina tonight, but I'm really not feeling it. Plus, it is windy and cold as shit, and if I go out I'm going to have to wear a dress, and I am not in the mood to be cold today. And I switched shifts with Karina, so tomorrow I'm working 8 to 2, so going out and having dinner late seems like a bad idea. And, to be honest, I'm still feeling pretty lousy and bummed out about everything, and I think I need a Me Day. I still have a lot to think about. Also, I have nothing nice to wear out.

Just trying not to think too hard about everything. I feel like I've moved out of the depressed stage, and am on to acceptance. Actually, I seriously did go through the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). I hope I'll be okay from now on. I do still feel sad, but that's normal I guess.

It's like, I feel like I want to get back together with Max, but would that feeling last? My mum did this thing, where she broke up and then got back together with the same guy like, 5 times. I think she just gave in to how sad and lonely it all was, and couldn't deal, so she kept going back. As much as I didn't like him, I felt really bad for him, and I do not want to make Max feel like that at all. Also, I can't tell if I actually want to be with him again, or if I'm just lonely.

Travis said that there should be some kind of Relationship Funeral. Because it's like, after you end a relationship, then what? It still feels like everything is the same most of the time. How are you supposed to just end something like 3 fucking years of loving someone just like that, and go about with your life like everything is the same? There should be some kind of funeral, so you can recognize that it's over and be able to properly move on. Because there's always those times, like when you first wake up after dreaming about him, where you forget what happened. And the realization always makes me feel sick and sad. So is that a sign?

Augh, Max, I need to talk to you. But you said you'd come and find me when you were ready, so I'm respecting that and waiting. You're so sensible, I know that I'll be able to work something out if we talk.

Well, so much for getting my mind off of Max. Now I just miss him again.

Second Guessing My Second Thoughts

Maybe I did make the right decision after all, no matter how much it hurts.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Stupid, Impulsive Bird

Tonight is going to be a night for meditation.

I have already thought long and hard about this, and I'm really having second thoughts about my decision. Shit, I had second thoughts about it when I was telling Max. But I come from an impulsive mother, and the minute we get an idea into our heads, that's it. No thinking ahead, just going for it.

So, I'm going to have a nice shower, because my stupid bus was 15 minutes late and it is FREEZING outside. Then, I'm going to make a healthy dinner of brussel sprouts in black bean sauce and basmati rice with mushrooms and onions, with coconut yogurt for a snack. And then I am going to stay up, potentially all night, and think very, very hard.

People have told me that I'm only thinking about getting back together with Max because I'm lonely. I have taken this into account, don't worry. They tell me that, sure, you can make as many mistakes as you want, but remember that people are fragile; you can't just go yanking their hearts around whenever you feel like it. Don't fret, I've thought about this too. I've thought about so much in the past days, like what I could have done instead, and what a big fucking idiot I am. Already, Rachel told me that I'm stupid.

I have to do whatever feels right. But that is incredibly hard for me to figure out, because I always second guess myself. Like, what if Max and I DO get back together. But along the line we realize that this isn't what we wanted, so we have to do this whole dance all over again. Also, what if Max doesn't want to get back together again. Well, I suppose there's nothing I can do about that then, so... Argh, life is so frustrating.

Well, I'm going to go and begin the meditation. I hope I have a clear answer soon.

Chiara said that dreams have truth in them. If you dream about how happy you are being with someone every night, that's a sign, right?

April Fools

Christ, another dream. Took me 20 minutes after waking up today to remember that things are different now. April Fools?

I was washing dishes, and Max was there. Forgave me, again. Kissed my neck. I was happy. He told me he'd been reading this blog. I don't know why, but that made even happier.

Work today, 1:30 to 9:30, and then I'm just going to come home and sleep and sleep and sleep.

I Got Nothing

Another dream about Max last night. They're getting a little more x-rated each time. He forgave me again. We were having a tour of Disney HQ (I know it doesn't make sense). I went to hold his hand, and he held mine back. He went to look out a window, and we almost fell out of it. He laughed, and then other dream weirdness happened.

Listening to Love Like A Sunset again, which is now my anthem. When I listen to this song, I feel invincible. Nothing can touch me, motherfuckers. I don't fall apart. I can do ANYTHING.

Unfortunately, there's nothing interesting to blog about lately, since I've been too preoccupied with my own terrible life. Listened to one new Radiolab show, but it was only a short one. It was about this old folks home in Austria, and most of their patients, being old, were losing their minds or had full blown Alzheimers. They were constantly escaping the home and just wandering off, looking for loved ones, the houses they grew up in, their parents, etc. They wound up on buses a lot of the time, and went to other towns and villages, 40 miles away sometimes.
One guy who worked there had an idea. Since most of these disillusioned oldsters would get on buses in their escape, his idea was the build a fake bus stop right in front of the home, as a sort of trap. They would go there, and wait for the bus, and wait and wait and wait. And eventually one of the staff would notice them, and be able to bring them safely back.

At first people thought this was a stupid idea, but they built the bus stop anyway. And it actually worked. The bus stop is immediately outside of the doors, so it's the first thing you see. And crazy old folk fell for the bait, and would just wait and wait for the bus, until a nurse came and coaxed them back.

I just thought that was cool.

Thought. Why am I letting myself feel terrible about all this? I did nothing wrong. I know, it is sad, and I hurt Max. But I've done nothing horrible. I should just get over it and stop being such a crybaby. Yeah, I miss Max a lot, more than I thought I would. But I'm going to get over this, and hope that I get to talk to him again one day.

Max, I wish you read these. I'm sorry.

FUCK. Nothing's ever going to be the same again.

What if I fucked everything up. I fucked everything up. What if I could have fixed things. What if I acted too rashly; I got a feeling and just ran with it. Why do I feel like so much shit. I just want to sleep, sleep all day so I don't have to think, so I can just have dreams about you. Does everyone go through this? This is fucked up, this is so fucked up. I don't want to do ANYTHING but stay inside all day. It's too hard, it's making me tired. I just cry every day now. What if no one ever loves me again. Oh god, oh god, fuck fuck. I suppose I can't just go back to the way things were. I feel like I want to get back together with you, but you probably wouldn't go for that. I know you better than I know myself.

OOOOKKKAAAAY THERE EMO, just take a deeeeep deep breathe and chill the fuck out. This is all new and strange, and you've got to stop letting the panic show.

FUN FACT! That (see PS) is how my mind actually works!