Friday, July 30, 2010

Make Me Hungry For You

You know what I'm tired of? Being such a fucking failure.

Everything I do, everything I'm good at, I end up dropping it. My trombone, my writing, my comic, my cooking. I don't do any of it anymore.

Seriously, what is my fucking problem? I miss doing all of these things so much, but I just can't muster the energy to try anymore. I have fucking DREAMS about playing my trombone again, I would LOVE to find a jazz band to be a part of. But it's been so long... What if I forgot how to play?

What if I forgot how to write too? Does that happen? I'm sure it can. My comic was supposed to be a way of injecting new life into all the old writing projects I have stored away in my head. And how far have I gotten with that, huh? A couple pages into Chapter 2 and no progress since last Wednesday. Pathetic.

I just sit around like a fucking lump these days because I can't make myself do things that I used to love.

Do you know how many story ideas I have tucked away in my brain? How many one-liners? How many songs there are, waiting to be played? How many grandiose delusions?

FUCK me, I'm so SICK of being me. Somebody, please. Shake me, punch me, MAKE me get back to doing what I love.

I just want to get back to creating things. I want to write and draw and cook and make music again.

What is WRONG with me?

PS. I never ended my story of how I stayed up all night long.

I ended up staying awake for 35 hours, and the Seattle trip was a bit of a disaster. As per usual, everything went wrong, but we ended the day with a lovely dinner in a tiny Italian restaurant called Luigi's Place. But it was on the drive back home that shit started getting weird.

I hallucinated like crazy. I was kind of nodding off, but didn't want to fall asleep until I was home in my bed. It was mostly little things. At one point, we went under a bridge, and it was like it had frightened me or something, because as the darkness from the bridge overwhelmed my sight, I sat up and shook like crazy, like I had been electrocuted. I felt these crazy tremors running through me, kind of like I'd hit my funny bone, but affecting my entire body.

Then we were listening to CBC Radio, and there was some weird song on. I remember hearing the words at first, like just a normal song, but then it started to sound like she was singing "Claudia" over and over and over again. Then I kind of shook myself, and things went back to normal.

The weirdest and most vivid occurred while I felt wide awake. I was just kind of staring at the road as it rushed towards us, and then I saw coyotes in front of us, 4 or 5 of them. Well, my brain told me they were coyotes, but they have much larger ears than actual coyotes, like fennec foxes. I was kind of just staring dumbly at them, wondering if my mum was going to stop driving or just plow right through them, wondering if I should say something, when we caught up to them... and they just faded away as the headlights hit them, like ghosts. Then I was like "HOLY SHIT!" and scared my mum.


I just want to be wild and crazy and different.
I don't want to sleep, but I want to keep the dreams.
I don't want to eat, just never feel hungry.

Hey guys, I'm half way there.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Baby Boy Can't Lift His Headache Head, Isn't It Tragic?

It's 5:30 in the morning. No, I didn't wake up early. I just haven't gone to sleep. And the weird thing is that I don't feel tired at all. Like, I'm yawning, but physically I feel really energetic. And manic.

And for some reason, I can feel anxiety curling it's way into my chest right now. I shouldn't be allowed to be up this late. Strange things happen to me.

I can't really explain how I'm feeling right now. Manic is definitely the right word. I feel like, like I'm glowing. Whenever I get like this, I feel prettier, and funnier, and stronger, and taller and just... powerful. Like I'm totally in control.

It's sick, I know it's sick. I'm sick.

Even now, I'm hungry, but I can't bring myself to eat. In total for today and yesterday, I have eaten a couple slices of salami, half a small potato salad, a chocolate bar, popcorn, tinned mackerel. And it makes me feel strong.

Okay, I'm not sick, but I'm not well.

Had a lovely conversation with Amina for a couple of hours as we stayed up together. Honestly, besides Max, she's the only person I've told a few personal things to. I think it's because I can feel that we're the same. She said that everyone at work thinks she's "the happiest person in the world." I told her that when we first met and really talked, I could already tell she wasn't.

Anyway, I'm off to Seattle for the day with my mum, Rachel, and her friend Maya, who has never ever been to the States before. I already know I am going to buy two comic books from the store they have on that pier. Flight vol. 7 and The Walking Dead vol. 12. STOKED.

Well, peace out kiddies. All of you have a nice day now, and ponder deep, existentialist thoughts.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Days Off, Simple Pleasures and Bizarro Dreams

Mmm, two days off in a row. That's the best thing ever.

Today, I accomplished everything I wanted to. I got plenty of sleep, and then I went out and bought a whole bunch of paint and brushes, and a plain white teapot and teacup. The plan is to paint them! I'm not entirely sure how, yet.

Then, I went grocery shopping and got all the ingredients I need for vegetable soup:
  • 2 potatoes
  • 2 celery stalks
  • 2 carrots
  • 1 giant leek
  • a 15 bean mix
  • garlic
  • a little bit of ginger
  • vegetable broth (2L)
Mmmm. I love making soup. I really should be making my own broth, but it just takes so damn long! I want instant gratification, damnit!

Anyways, as I was coming home, and saw that the flower shop a couple of blocks from my house was still open, so I hopped off the bus and asked if they sold lavender plants. They did! So I bought two, and then came home and planted them in my garden. Joy!

And now I am just polishing off a piece of salmon I made for dinner. Too cook it, I laid a piece of tinfoil on a small baking tray, and rubbed some oil on it, with a little salt and pepper. Then I took my lovely piece of salmon and put it skin down on the tinfoil, dabbed a little oil ontop of the salmon to keep it from drying out, and sprinkled a little more pepper on it. I broiled it on high, and when it was half done, I pulled it out for a second and put some sweet Thai chili sauce on it, and then cooked it for a bit more.

Delicious <3

Now, before I go off to clean the whole house, which is the last part of my plan for the day, I want to tell you about the dream I had the other night. I wrote it down in my journal, so I'll just re-write the whole thing. I draw pictures to go with the story, and unfortunately the scanner that Max got my for my birthday isn't up and running yet, so you'll have to use your imagination. In the future, I'm going to scan and post them on deviantart, so I'll provide links later on.

At first, I was the mother of a family of 4 (husband, son, daughter, baby). It looked like the Victorian Era. But there was something evil in the house. I think it was the Devil. Everything was dark and scary, and I didn't know where the kids were. My husband and I were going from room to room to find them. I think there was a maid, so we gave her the baby and made sure they were safe. My husband and I split up to find the kids, but then I couldn't find him.
I went upstairs, and looked through the door to my son's room (for some reason it had a glass window in it). In there, I saw my two children huddled together on the bed, and there was the large shadow if a man cast over them. My husband lay on the floor, tied up with his back to me.
I went in, and the source of the shadow was a very handsome man, but I got this horrible sensation from him.
Suddenly, I was sitting on the bed, and he was sitting on the floor with my daughter kneeling on a pillow beside him and looking terrified, and my husband still tied up on the floor. My son was clinging to my side. He told me to retell a story, but now I can't remember what story it was. He also told me to watch my language as I told it. At one point, I used to the word 'hot' to describe something, and my whole family looked so shocked, and the Devil just got this cheeky smile, and was like "Now, now, dear. That's not really watching your language, is it?" But I can't remember how I could have used the word that made it so scandalous...
At this point in the dream, it looked as if I were reading the whole thing as a comic book, with panels separating each scene, and speech bubbles.

Then he was gone, but the kids were pretty scarred from the whole event. They started seeing monsters and demons everywhere, and my son was convinced that something evil was coming back. He made all these strange marionettes, that looked like they were half bird-half human, with only one wing and really long necks, like flamingos. My daughter became obsessed with fighting, and carried a staff with her everywhere. Now our house had like, invisible walls in some places, but you could still see all the doors, and outside there were endless wheat fields, bordered in the distance by a dark forest. The sky was black, and all the colours were muted.
My identity at this point started bouncing around. Sometimes I was the mother, the daughter, the son, and then for this next part, I was my own self.

There were strange creatures on the roads that cut through the wheat fields, and I befriended one of them. She was really aloof and kind of snide, but she needed help getting around. I was showing her the way through the this crazy place, when we ran into these other creatures. There were three of them, and they had these creepy voices, that sounded like two people speaking at once. They were bad.
They said they were were hunting 'shadow creatures', and if we helped them find some, they would let us pass through unharmed.
We found a shadow creature in the river, under the tiny stone bridge. It looked like a flatworm, but huge, and lay on top of the water like an oil slick. They thanked us, and let us go so they could begin hauling it out of the water and devouring it. I felt really bad as I watched them descend on it. My companion turned away, and was acting all bitchy, but she was just scared. She told me that she was a kind of shadow creature too, and those things could have easily been devouring her instead of the other poor beast.

I made it back to the house with the invisible walls, and then I was the daughter. My brother and I were preparing for the big fight. I'm not exactly sure how the marionettes were supposed to help, but I believe they were supposed to come alive by magic and attack whatever was coming. My brother was confident that they were going to be a big help. At this point, we were both much older than when the dream had started. Still children, but older.

There was a doctor in the house, and he kind of looked like my mom's boyfriend. It was weird, because in the dream my character even thought "Wow, he kind of looks like mom's boyfriend." He seemed very concerned about us. I think that other people had started to think of us as crazy, because we believed the Devil was going to come back and attack us. We were explaining to him that we were alright, but he had to get out of here because things were about to get bad. I think he started to believe us, and said he would come back and help us out. We politely thanked him and smiled as he ran off and over a bridge, farther into the endless fields. For a second, I had a flash from the future, and I knew that if he came back to help us, he would die.

We (my brother and I) looked at each other and wearily shook our heads, and then continued preparing for the fight.

It was one of the craziest, most vivid dreams I've ever had, and as much as it bordered on nightmare, I really liked it. Maybe I'll draw it one day.
Had another crazy dream last night, but I don't want to get in to it. This one was even closer to nightmare.

Now let's get started on that cleaning.