Friday, July 30, 2010

Make Me Hungry For You

You know what I'm tired of? Being such a fucking failure.

Everything I do, everything I'm good at, I end up dropping it. My trombone, my writing, my comic, my cooking. I don't do any of it anymore.

Seriously, what is my fucking problem? I miss doing all of these things so much, but I just can't muster the energy to try anymore. I have fucking DREAMS about playing my trombone again, I would LOVE to find a jazz band to be a part of. But it's been so long... What if I forgot how to play?

What if I forgot how to write too? Does that happen? I'm sure it can. My comic was supposed to be a way of injecting new life into all the old writing projects I have stored away in my head. And how far have I gotten with that, huh? A couple pages into Chapter 2 and no progress since last Wednesday. Pathetic.

I just sit around like a fucking lump these days because I can't make myself do things that I used to love.

Do you know how many story ideas I have tucked away in my brain? How many one-liners? How many songs there are, waiting to be played? How many grandiose delusions?

FUCK me, I'm so SICK of being me. Somebody, please. Shake me, punch me, MAKE me get back to doing what I love.



I just want to get back to creating things. I want to write and draw and cook and make music again.

What is WRONG with me?

PS. I never ended my story of how I stayed up all night long.

I ended up staying awake for 35 hours, and the Seattle trip was a bit of a disaster. As per usual, everything went wrong, but we ended the day with a lovely dinner in a tiny Italian restaurant called Luigi's Place. But it was on the drive back home that shit started getting weird.

I hallucinated like crazy. I was kind of nodding off, but didn't want to fall asleep until I was home in my bed. It was mostly little things. At one point, we went under a bridge, and it was like it had frightened me or something, because as the darkness from the bridge overwhelmed my sight, I sat up and shook like crazy, like I had been electrocuted. I felt these crazy tremors running through me, kind of like I'd hit my funny bone, but affecting my entire body.

Then we were listening to CBC Radio, and there was some weird song on. I remember hearing the words at first, like just a normal song, but then it started to sound like she was singing "Claudia" over and over and over again. Then I kind of shook myself, and things went back to normal.

The weirdest and most vivid occurred while I felt wide awake. I was just kind of staring at the road as it rushed towards us, and then I saw coyotes in front of us, 4 or 5 of them. Well, my brain told me they were coyotes, but they have much larger ears than actual coyotes, like fennec foxes. I was kind of just staring dumbly at them, wondering if my mum was going to stop driving or just plow right through them, wondering if I should say something, when we caught up to them... and they just faded away as the headlights hit them, like ghosts. Then I was like "HOLY SHIT!" and scared my mum.

2 comments:

  1. It's okay, I've been feeling like that too. Shit, it's been like a year and a half since I've actually written anything.

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  2. to be honest, you don't sound well. As an anonymous reader who has suffered from depression and has about 20 years on you, you sound like you are depressed, and maybe a bit manic. I mean, you write these words yourself, so it's not that much of a surprise, right?

    Please, get a physical and be honest with the gp - tell him your thoughts of failure, not eating, and feeling manic. You do not have to live like this. You aren't a failure in any way. Everyone goes through periods of time where it ain't so rosy, but sometimes it can be medical, like as in altered brain chemistry. No amount of motivation or trying can fix that. If you need a referral for a good Vancouver gp, ask.

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