Sunday, January 30, 2011

Family Eats

I was listening to Expialidocious, the song by Pogo, and was thinking about Dick Van Dyke. I used to have a huge crush on him when I was younger, despite his ridiculous cockney accent. Suddenly, I wondered if he was still alive. I rushed to Wikipedia to find out, and felt this odd relief when I saw that he was. I just think the world would be less of a nice place if Dick Van Dyke wasn't alive, even if he's not actually a handsome chimney sweep with a dreadful accent.

My Auntie Helen (and Uncle David) are back from England for a spell, and we had a family dinner tonight with her daughters (my cousins) Heather and Jenny, and their husbands, Jamie and Ross. It was really fun, actually. The food was superb. We had:

  • Bulgar wheat nicoisse salad
  • squash, red pepper and apple soup
  • lamb sliders (that had spicy mango chutney in them)
  • scalloped potatoes
  • our signature coconut and jam cake
Seriously, we always have that cake at every family gathering. It's just a plain vanilla cake that comes from a recipe of my grandmother's, with seedless raspberry jam in the middle, icing made from icing sugar drizzled over top, and then coconut sprinkled all over the whole thing. It does get a little messy though.

Family gatherings of my mum's are always the funnest. One thing that I love is that they get LOUD. Everyone starts literally shouting over top of one another. I never notice it at first, but then there's a point where you run out of things to talk about, and then you actually hear how loud it is. It's fun! I love talking to my cousins. It's easy to make them laugh. Also, Auntie Helen gave me my early 21st birthday present. I forget that everyone thinks 21st birthdays are important. I know why they're important in like, America, because that's when you can legally drink, but I don't see why everyone cares so much up here in Canada, since the drinking age is 19. I know a lot of my friends are excited about it so they can go to the States to drink, but it doesn't matter to me one way or the other. Anyway, Auntie Helen gave me my present, and it was a necklace... with a cross on it. It is pretty, but kind of a weird present from her, considering she's not very religious either, and she knows my family isn't. I thanked her, of course, but it was funny after she left, because my mum, brother and sister were all like "Dude, what was up with the cross??" And when I got back to my dad's I showed it to him, and he gave me this really weird look. I'm not sure if I'll ever wear it, because the chain also looks too small for my fat neck, but it was a nice gift.

I was going to write something else, but I'm getting preoccupied with other things, and I don't want to write a half-assed post, even though this one is already kind of half-assed, and I heard there are doughnuts downstairs, so I better go see to that. Also, run-on sentences.

PS. Got my money back from VCC! Now I have $200 in the bank, as opposed to $11. Whew.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Broken Record

So I found this website called Atheist Media Blog. I was hoping there would be some interesting links and articles, so I poked around. I did find one fabulous video about a guy name Daniel Dennett discussing "What Should Replace Religions" at the Humanist Canada Convention in Montreal in October. I was very pleased that it wasn't one asshole just shouting about religion is bad and this is why we don't need it, but rather an enlightened talk about what the world is going to need once religion dies out. One of the interesting talked about the good things that religion has contributed to the world (art, music, moral teamwork, and hope, to name a few). He also said something that I quite liked:

"Religion changed more in the last hundred years than it did in the previous thousand years, and it's probably going to change more in the next twenty years than it changed in the last hundred years. So let's think about what we want to do to preserve what's worth preserving and to help usher off as gracefully as possible those aspects that we would really like to see go away." -Daniel Dennett
People typically think that what is "now" is going to be forever. Not the case. The world changes so quickly that it's astonishing. Religion has been around for a long, long time, but I don't think it's reasonable to think that it will be around forever. In another form, maybe, but definitely not the way we know it. And that's not going to be a bad thing.

I know there are many, many atheists out there would love nothing more than to see all forms of religion abolished. I don't know what I think about that. I agree with Dennett, that there are many good things that we owe to religion. I would not be saddened, however, if it were gone, but only because of all the bad things that come with it. While there are many good, kind-hearted people out there who love God and love their faiths, there are their awful counterparts. There are people who pose with their Bibles in hand but are bad, bad people.

Of course, there will always be bad people. Nothing will change that.

Anyway, back to that Atheist Media Blog website. I haven't looked around too much yet, but I did make my way onto a different blog that had a link in it for ANOTHER website called Atheist Nexus. Naturally, I signed up. This seemed a little much though:

"Atheist Nexus is a community for nontheists ONLY! This is NOT a site to convert others or debate the existence of god(s). There are plenty of other sites to do this. Violators will be banned instantly and permanently."
To which I had to reply "Yes, I am a nontheist" in order to be allowed to be a member. I don't know, I get that atheists want to have their own secret clubhouse, complete with a "NO RELIGIOUS ZOMBIES" sign posted out front, but we can't even have a discussion on the existence of a god? I'm not saying I want people to pop in and tell us we're wrong for believing what we believe, but that above statement seems strong.

I'm hoping the people on the website aren't just going to rage about God and Jesus and how-wrong-religion-is the whole time. I'm looking for a place to have thoughtful discussions about things like what Dennet was talking about. The real question, however, is will I be too shy to actually participate in any discussions? And the answer is yes. Yes I will.

Frack, would you look at that. Another post talking about atheism? Get off your high horse, Lisa! Nobody cares! Talk about things like how you're worried you're going to have to move out of your lovely new house!

The fellow that is living with us (my dad's friend's son) is thinking about going back to Ontario. If he does, we are fucked. The two of us can't afford the rent for this place. I'm already barely making rent as it is. And I'm worried that my dad is going to get fed up with the effort it's taking to get this house all fixed up. I love it in this house so much, I don't want to leave! Things are just starting to come together! I know we could find another person to room with us if Nick does leave, and I'm fairly confident that my dad loves this house too. I don't know if he would like having some stranger living with us though. I'll admit, I'm not a fan of the idea either. Maybe if I could just get more hours at work... Maybe I could get a second job?

But I realized last night that we're hooped no matter what. If I do eventually get into this IDEA program at Capilano University, I may have to quit my job, as this program is full-time. What are we going to do? My dad can't do $1800 a month on his home. Max, my voice of reason, was trying to calm me down last night. He said I could take out student loans and use those to help pay for the rent. While I do agree, I'm a little depressed at the thought of having only student loans to rely on. I like working, no matter how much I complain. I like making my own money. But I do really want to do this program... It's like, as soon as I resolved one worry (where I want to go in life), another one presents itself (money). Fuck.

PS. I found a crow's skull today! Well, I found it yesterday, and I went and got it today. I wonder what's the best way to clean it? It looks pretty gnarly right now. Oh, AND I opened up a Savings account today. Whee!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Longer You Think

An old Irish curse:

May those that love us, love us,
and those that don't love us,
may God turn their hearts;
if he can't turn their hearts,
may he turn their ankles,
so we'll know them by their limping.

Now, I don't know how credible that is as an actual Irish curse, since I found it in a picture on the Internet, but I really like it.

So, the other day on my lovely anniversary, Max was whispering many lovely things in my ear. Hahaha, not those kinds of things, but he does do that too and I like those just as much. Actually, this time he wasn't so much whispering as he was... speaking... on the bus. Yeah. Anyway, he was spending our commute telling me how brilliant and talented I am. Now, I know I act like a confident.... I'm struggling with a word here. I was going to go with dickbag, but say that word a few times to yourself, slowly. It's rather vulgar, even for a lady of my distinction. Douchebag doesn't seem quite right either, because I don't quite fit the criteria for a douchebag (not lack of popped collar). I'm going to go with twit.

SO, I know I act like a confident twit most of the time, but I'm really not. At all. I struggle a lot with even managing to like myself. And it sucks. I can't really escape it. Every time I go outside, if I hear someone laughing near me, I assume they're laughing at me. Yeah, I don't go outside a whole lot anymore.
A lot of it has to do with how I look. Mostly, I think I'm a fat, average looking girl. There are things I DO like about myself (my eyes, my lips) but there are many, many more things I don't like about myself. I know I can fix this. I know I can get in shape. And I will. I have to, or I'm going to throw myself in front of a bus, haha! Aww, I shouldn't joke about that, people actually do kill themselves over their looks.

The other big part is that I am self-conscious of the things I create. Any time I write something or draw something, or sing or play an instrument, there's always the I'm not good enough playing on repeat it my head. It's awful. I want to be perfect. I want to be the best. But I don't think I can. My least favourite word is practice. I'm used to being good at things on the first go, and if I'm not, then it's clearly not worth my time.

But Max always knows how to talk to me. He was appealing to my ego yesterday, the clever thing. So, today I took action. I called Langara to reserve a spot for myself at an info session for their Fine Arts program. It starts off with the basics, which is what I need. I've never had any sort of classic art training, which I think would help the cause. That program is 2 year long, after which I receive a diploma, and then I am taking that diploma and getting into the IDEA program at Capilano University, which will take another 3 years to complete.

I'm nervous! But I want this.

See, today I realized what causes all my problems. The revelation actually came to me today when I was listening to the song that shares it's name with this blog: Talking Bird by Death Cab For Cutie.

The longer you think, the less you know what to do.

And that right there is my problem. I think way too hard about everything. Naturally, if you think about things too much, you will find flaws. You will find doubts. You will create issues. And then you just worry and worry until you convince yourself that it was a dumb idea in the first place. And that's stupid.

So, new Lisa is going to stop that. I took action today, and I am going to continue to do so.

Ahh, wrist-aches again! What is wrong?! Time for wrist braces once more...

PS. Today a woman told me that her husband was dying. It's "a matter of months". Why do I attract these sad, sad people? Is it something about my face?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Anniversaries and Other Things

Today, kidlets, is my 4 year anniversary with the most wonderful human being to be gifted to Earth. I know I joke around a lot, but I'm being serious here. I'm not so good with spoken words, so I don't think I get around to saying this as often as I should, but Max, you are without a doubt the best thing in my life.

Today (and yesterday!) were really nice. This anniversary kind of slowly unfolded over the two days, which was fun. Yesterday we went to Earl's, where we always seem to get the most earnest waiters. I got two classics: My favourite Mixed Greens Salad, that has feta, candied pecans, julienned Granny Smith apple, apple cider vinegar and, er, mixed greens. Then I had this prawn and scallop spaghetti dish (standard me) which consisted of the afore mentioned ingredients, a cream sauce, wilted arugula, pine nuts, and cherry tomatoes. I actually like the cherry tomatoes. They pop in your mouth.

Max had to go to school this morning, which sucked since we'd stayed up way too late the night before, but I got to stay home and sleep in. I slept for so long, it was magic. We had dinner at a small place on Main St called Cipriano's, and then went for dessert (where else?) Sweet Revenge. Max joked about bringing a bunch of his friends there one night, and polo shirts with the collars popped and talking about typical douchebag stuff. Don't you dare, I said. This place is my temple. It kind of is, haha. I am instantly transported to my quiet place. A quiet place full of tea and crème brûlées. Mmm.

So Max was trying to make me feel good about myself tonight, by telling me some stuff or other about how I'm smarter than him, and talented to boot. I don't know if I believe him, you guys. Could it be true? Could I actually be a smart and talented individual?

Nah, that doesn't sound like me.

I'm slowly going to piece together what I want to do. Max said I should email a few of my favourite webcomic artists and ask for some pro-tips. I might do just that, but what would I say! It'd be like, bumping into a personal idol of yours on the street. Okay, not quite like that, but you get what I'm saying. I'd get all stupid and end up sounding like a big nerd. Like I need more of that.

Quick question: Who would you not be able to function around if you met them? For me, it would be a couple of my favourite artists and writers (Lucy Knisely, Kate Beaton, Christopher Moore, Clive Barker, Tom Siddell, and a host of others), and, yes, Patrick Stump and Peter Wentz. Not to offend Joe Trohman and Andy Hurley, the other members of what was Fall Out Boy, but I was just bigger fans of the first two because Wentz was a writer, and Stump was a musician. And them's is the breaks. But in all seriousness, I would die a million deaths if I met these people. I almost hope that I never meet them, because I will forever be known as this retard that couldn't form a proper sentence and then fell over. Or cried. Yeah, there would definitely be crying.

So I'm experiencing these weird, stuff wrists right now, and it's making typing extremely difficult. I think it's because it's cold in here, and I inexplicably have to body of an old person, so cold makes me seize up. But you know what, if you watch closely, you might see a new Lisa emerging over the next little while. I'm going to make myself get better. At... everything. Goodnight.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Comments! Tablet! Hungry!

Let this past week be known as the Week of Comments! Well, it actually wasn't a week-long thing, just the 19th to today. But it was so nice! I loved the comments on the most recent one after this. And there were even comments from someone I didn't know on Skip The Review! "I love the attitude. You gave me such a vibe!" Thanks, moshes! It was very unprecedented but pleasant. Morale? At an all time high!

So today I used a tablet, and it actually went better than expected. I was not really keen on giving it a go, because the first time I used one it went rather poorly and I was very discouraged. But I drew a halfway decent one today, and now I'm going to get one! A tablet, that is. I'm going to use the money from my cancelled Italian class to go and get it. The one Tanis has is a Bamboo Fun, and I liked it a lot. Maybe I'll start drawing more! I hope I get better with the stupid thing though.

Honestly? Not much to say today. I am so starving right now my stomach actually hurts, and I'm tired, tired, tired. BUT my kitchen is painted and the floor is done. Now I just have to get started on my stupid room...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I My Me Mine

If someone comes up to me and tells me that they are Christian/Catholic/Buddhist/Sikh/Hindu/Etc, I will say "Cool story bro". I someone comes up to me, and says they are Christian/Catholic/Buddhist/Sikh/Hindu/Etc, and ask what I am, I will tell them that I am an atheist. If they proceed to berate me for being what I am, and thinking what I think, and asking me how I could believe such a thing, I WILL get all up in their face about it. Because this has happened to me too many times and I am fucking tired of it.

I'm sorry, when you come to my door, try to give me something in the street, strike up a conversation at my till, and tell me what you believe of the world, that is fucking A-okay. I pretty much don't care who you worship. But when you tell me that I'M wrong? I will not flinch from saying what is on my mind. You want to ask my why I am godless? Fine, I will ask you why YOU are devout, and before you can say anything, I will answer for you. Typically, you are what your parents are.

When you tell me I am going to Hell, I will tell you that I don't believe in Hell. When you question whether or not I am educated, if I've ever even picked up a Bible, I will say, yes, I have, because I am not against learning the faiths of others. When you ask me what meaning life has without God, I will say just as much meaning as if with, possibly even more. When you question me about death, about life without the possibility of Heaven, I will tell you that Heaven doesn't change anything; We're still all going to be afraid to die.

I will admit that I am not perfect. When I see televangelists on late night TV, people in the streets holding signs that say "Free Prayer" (isn't prayer free anyway?), when I hear about how Jesus Christ "saved my life", my lip does curl. I do sneer. I make cynical remarks. We wouldn't be human if we didn't believe that we were truly right and everyone else was wrong.

The thing I mostly don't like about organized religion is that I don't like being dependent on anybody but myself. If I need a Jesus or an Allah or a Jehovah to make me find beauty and happiness and love in life, then that's... just not the way I operate. I don't want to be told how to act, what to think. I want to be allowed to believe in nothing and have that be okay.

Of course, I am allowed to believe in nothing, but somehow, I always end up in the role of "asshole". Like, if we ran through that whole scenario waaay at the top of this post, if I asked what someone else believed, they told me that they believed in a god, and I questioned them, berated them, made fun of them, told them that God wasn't real, I would automatically be Queen Douchebag. But when someone does the EXACT same thing to me, it's okay. Atheists have feelings too, you guys.

I love though, how every person I tell tries to get me to falter, to not be able to explain my thoughts. They sit there with this self-satisfied look on their face, this weird kind of pity, like you'd give to a small child who told you they believed in Unicorns, like I just don't know better. I know what they think. I know they think that I'm just believing in what's "in", what the cool kids think. I know they think that maybe, just maybe, if someone took me to a house of God and showed me what's what that I would come crawling to their side, the "right" side. Not everyone, of course. For all my loathing, the world is, after all, full of lovely people.

I kind of feel sorry for the first person to sneer and question what my beliefs are, because they are going to get the full whammy of my "beliefs". I will not back down. I will tell them that I believe in people. That I believe in love. That I believe in sleeping in, and kisses, and Vietnamese food. I will say that I believe in solitude, and wild dreams, and new backyards with pear trees. I believe in books, in music, in blogs, in breakfast, in tattoos, in presents, in pretty dresses, in swaying trees, in childhood memories, in 25 cent books of poetry, in Xbox's, in holding hands, in surprise visits, in two cats, in one beautiful red dog, in blood and in boyfriends. In life. In myself.

PS. I should also note that three days ago was the 1 year anniversary of this blog! I was too tired that day to write a teary little entry about it, and just plum forgot about it later. 1 year of words! 1 year of crazy and jokes and hate! 1 whole year me sitting in front of a computer screen, trying to make a connection.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Lisa, You're A D-Bag

Ugh, see? I feel better already.

Get Me Out Of This Cavern Or I'll Cave In

I like being alone, I truly do, but maybe I shouldn't be allowed to be alone. It sends my mind to dark places, and at the end of the day I'm stuck in this restless state of semi-despair.

Woke up late today, around 1:30. It was glorious. I love sleeping in. But it always gives me this sense of... uselessness. I wasted the whole day once again. To make matters worse, I played Fallout for the next 2 hours. That really skews your sense of time. Before you know it, the sun's going down.

I knew I had to go meet Rachel at her work downtown, so I left at 4:45, went to the bank to collect the money I owed her and made it down there by 6 pm. I'm never out during the day anymore. I love winter, but I hate how dark it gets all the time. Max thinks I've got some Vitamin D deficiency going on. So anyway, I went to Rachel's work and met all her nice friends, but feel like kicking myself because I'm such a shy dumbass. I just can't talk to people. I try, and then I get all soft-voiced and timid, and I get anxious and sweat and stutter. It's pathetic.

All the way home, I was just... blah. Even stopping in at work and saying hello to my friends didn't help. I'm just worried and anxious and melancholy all the time, and I hate it. To make matters worse, I wore my high heels, which used to be okay but now they hurt so badly.

I think I'm just upset because my Italian class got canceled. Oh, by the way, my Italian class got canceled. I got a phone call yesterday informing me that it was canceled because only two other people signed up for it. It'll be nice that I'll get the nearly $200 back from that, but now I don't know what I'm going to do for the next 4 months.

This is just all coming back to my frustration of not knowing what to do with my life. How am I supposed to pick a school, pick a program, make plans for the future if I don't know what the FUCK I'm doing. I know what I like: writing and drawing. That's cute, but not helpful. I want to make comics (I think?) but what am I supposed to DO about that?

Why can't I just be good at school? I was kind of toying with the idea of going to SFU, and... Oh, that's a dumb idea. They'll never let me into university. I'm going to need at least a 2.00 GPA (60%) and that is most certainly something I do not have. I'm also going to need to complete 24 units of transferable postsecondary course work. Whatever that is, I do not have it. I just wanted to go to university to get some kind of English degree, but that's about as useful as getting an Art degree, so I may as well go for the one that's easier to get (Art).

Fun fact! When I get anxious or upset, I scratch myself all over, really hard, until I get these little read lines on my skin. Once, when I was 14 or 15, I methodically scratched my hand in the same place until it but into my skin and I started bleeding. I didn't even stop then. My nail kept running through the thin line of blood. It got infected shortly after, and then scarred, and I hoped that would serve as a reminder to never do such things again. Well, I really want to do it again right now. I'm resorting to pinching my hands all over.

I scare myself sometimes, you know?I don't want to use the 'D' word here, but I think it's more than likely that that's what's fucking with me. It has been for a long, long time. I should go talk to someone about it, I know, but what are they going to say? "Here, take some pills." That is not the solution, just a suppressant. If I were to go off of said pills, the problem would come right back. If I'm going to get over this stupid, stupid shit, I'm going to do it without any form of medication. I just need to find something that makes me happy. Hm...

I'm just getting seriously tired of being such a fuck up. Maybe I'll feel better if I make a stir-fry...

EDIT: Big surprise, dinner is a failure too.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Fey Folk

A book that was read much more than once in my teenage years is called Tithe, by Holly Black. Now, you can tut-tut all you like, but I always have been and always will be enchanted with things fairy related. I think the earliest ones I was exposed to were in the books by Cicely Mary Barker. They were these sweet little books, called things like Flower Fairies of the Spring. There were pictures of each flower with it's accompanying fairy, and a poem to go with it. At one point we had the books for all of the seasons. Our favourite game was to look through and find which one we and people we knew looked like. My mum always said I looked like the Rose Fairy, and it's true, that picture on the left is pretty much what I looked like, sans rose petal dress. These days I'd say I look a lot more like the Wind Flower Fairy.

http://people.stfx.ca/ssmith/web/images/circle11-sml.jpgGirl Guides also had fairies on the brain. I get the feeling that that isn't as much of the focus now, but when I joined brownies as a 7 year old, it was a big part of it. There were different badges for the different groups: Elves, Dryads, Nymphs, Gnomes, Fairies, Kelpies, Leprechauns, Pixies, Sprites, Djinn and Lares. Our handbook was full of stories of them helping good and honest girls. At camp there was The Enchanted Forest. It was a large forested area of the camp that was decorated by all the Girl Guides that had come before me. There was a trail of painted yellow rocks to take you through the woods, and glitter cast on the ground. Handmade creatures, mobiles, bells, sparkling stone murals, strings of stars; to us, it was a magical place. We would always trick ourselves into thinking that we had seen... something darting into that hollow log, some light being peeking out from behind a mossy stone and then hiding again, leaving us boasting, and secretly hoping.

As I grew up, I would seek out these stories. Whether traditional or modern, I would devour them, and then dream of colourful wings and ageless creatures. I started to research folk tales and old myths, immersing myself in the endless versions and re-imaginings and ballads. John Bauer and Holly Black fueled my imagination.


I don't really know where I'm going with this anymore. Maybe that I'm just a big ol' fag, hahaha. I just read Tithe for the umpteenth time, and my head is still dwelling on the fantastic. I really like the way Holly Black describes her creautures, kind of beautiful and terrible at the same time. I'm going to draw my own interpretations of these, I think.

I just made toast with peach jam, and the flavours are still playing over my tongue. What a nice way to finish off the night. And just so you know, here is my current favourite line:

For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright,
Who art black as hell, as dark as night.

- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXLVII

Monday, January 10, 2011

Winter Blues

I wish to kill all the customers in the world. The end.

Ah, not the the end. Just had a really bad day, and there was this pounding headache that would not leave me all day. Just... fuck.

In my previous entry, I talked about how frustrating the last year had been. I'm still feeling it. I just feel everything weighing down on me. I just want to accomplish something. Figure out what I want to be, where I want to go to school... Even small stuff, like getting the house all set up and decorated, or figuring out what the hell is wrong with my wireless internet. I'm stealing someone else's WiFi right now, and their network is ironically called HouseOfFaith. I've never been really devout, but Oh Lawd, I believe!

The house just feels like it's going to take so much goddamn work. I have to paint all this stuff, not to mention have the money to buy the stupid paint, and damn, fulfilling my New Years resolution of cutting down on swearing is hard. Things sound so boring without a couple 'fucks' thrown in there. But anyway, I'm just starting to feel overwhelmed with how long it's going to take to get the new house in order. I just want it to be done, boohoohoo.

There's honestly nothing else for my to say right now. I'm just so tired, and I think winter is really giving me the blues this year. I need more Vitamin D. Ah well, tomorrow I will self medicate with Bau Chau's and Sweet Revenge.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Skip The Review

I realize that last post was rather negative. That's okay, because I myself am rather negative. It's just that 2011 has, so far, only brought me shit. But oh, who cares about that.

I didn't really want to write a mushy, wishy-washy New Years entry because I couldn't really muster the enthusiasm. This year, no doubt, had it's ups. The Olympics, 3 years with Max, writing this blog, making jokes and hanging around with people, and getting my tattoo and moving into a new house. But overall, I just felt like this wasn't my best year. It was my first full year out of school, and I mostly just bummed around, feeling purposeless. I've agonized a lot over what I really want in life, and have yet to come to a conclusion. There was just a lot of frustration this year, and it didn't make for good times. At least it went by surprisingly quickly.

I just want to know what I want, and I'm starting to feel kind of desperate.

I want to know if I want to go into this whole art thing. Right now I'm just trying to pinpoint what my hesitations are. Am I hesitant because I'm not sure if I'll be happy? Or because I doubt my own ability. I have a feeling it's the latter of those two. Yeah, actually, that's definitely it. Whenever I think of myself making comics, webcomics and graphic novels, for a living, I get so excited. I could be happy like that. But I just don't believe I have what it takes, even though my friends and family tell me that I do, even though I've drawn some pretty great things lately. I just don't think I can do it.

Le sigh.

Gah, I'm just having a bit of a blue day today. I got into this big tiff with my father, which he is being completely unreasonable about. He believes that blood is the most important thing, no matter what. I believe completely the opposite. So that hung a dark cloud over last night and today. Then I was 30 minutes late for work, and when I went to Bao Chau to try and drown my woes in some rice noodles and pork hash, I accidentally ordered the wrong thing. Ffffuuu-

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Now, I've never been one for New Years resolutions, but I am going to make two right now.

1) Stop swearing so much

The only reason I swear this much in the first place is for the comedic value. Swearing, in the proper place, is hilarious. But I was talking to Max that other day, and he made a comment (not in a mean or criticizing way) about how much I swear in the things that I write. I didn't realize I swore that much. So, I will try and cut down on swearing more, and use replacement phrases such as "Sweet Chinese Doughnut!" (You had to be there to get the joke. Oh, alright, I'll tell you. Max and I went to the Chinese bakery today, and they had a thing called a Sweet Chinese Doughnut. I said that it sounded like an exclamation, like "Oh my goodness!" or "Sweet Jesus!")

2) Lose weight. For real.

Honestly, I will throw myself in front of a bus if I'm fat for much longer. It's just making me miserable, and I'm tired of it. I don't know what I'm going to do, but boy, whatever it is, I am going to do the hell out of it. Running, sit ups, eating healthy, stretching, or just taking a swing at the old punching bag; I will do it, I will be skinny, and I will spend all my money on fabulous dresses from Forever 21.

Also, a silly one. 3) Get more tattoos! Hahaha. Seriously, I love my tattoo. I will post a picture when it stops peeling and looking gnarly. But yeah, I'm thinking of just get my whole left arm all done up with tattoos (a sleeve). I think it'll look cool, as long as I don't let my arm get all flabby and gross. I'm already drawing out what I want next. I think I want to get pretty one on my chest somewhere, too. Oh, my poor mother.

So, what is there to look forward to in 2011? Italian classes, gardening in our new big garden, fixing up the house and making it a home, visits from friends, getting in shape, and hopefully figuring out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Let's see how this goes.