Friday, April 30, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Existentialism, Obituaries and Clubbing
I get creeped out so bad when I see pictures of recently dead people. It's like seeing a ghost. There's a group that a friend of mine just joined on Facebook, 'RIP Shelby Nicole Hamilton'. Out of morbid curiousity, I decided to browse it. There was a photo gallery, and I wish I hadn't looked. Not that there was anything wrong with the pictures. They were just happy and silly, a young girl fooling around with her friends. But that almost made it worse. It really is like seeing a ghost, like she was still alive or something. Which brings me to this existentialist question:
Does death really exist in modern society?
When people died in the past, that was it. You basically never saw their face again. There wasn't a whole lot of picture taking back then, unless you were well off, so once they were gone, it was goodbye forever. But these days, with digital cameras, camcorders and microphones, you can stick around for a long, long time. Like commercials with Billy Mays, or Brittany Murphy movies, or music by Michael Jackson. It's like they're talking to you from beyond the grave, and it seriously weirds me out. Uptown Girls was on the other day, and KI kept forgetting that Murphy was dead. I'd laugh at something she was doing, and then (re)realized, "Oh god, she's dead." I have to change the channel when a Billy Mays commercial comes on, no joke. It really is like seeing a ghost.
But on the other hand, I enjoy reading obituaries of the recently deceased. I just like the stories, really. The long ones are the best. Names of their family, where they lived, what they did, what they were like. There was a lady today who was born in 1918! My god, that was almost 100 years ago. Can you even imagine being that old? One day, someone's going to be reading my obituary and say "Holy shit, 1990? That was so, so long ago." And it will be so, so long ago, because I am going to live to be 110. Why? Merely because I want to live to see a new century. Wouldn't that be awesome? I want to be so old, that I'm like, one of the only people that remembers owning and iPod or something.
Here's a fun idea, kids! Let's write our own obituaries! I'll share mine:
Does death really exist in modern society?
When people died in the past, that was it. You basically never saw their face again. There wasn't a whole lot of picture taking back then, unless you were well off, so once they were gone, it was goodbye forever. But these days, with digital cameras, camcorders and microphones, you can stick around for a long, long time. Like commercials with Billy Mays, or Brittany Murphy movies, or music by Michael Jackson. It's like they're talking to you from beyond the grave, and it seriously weirds me out. Uptown Girls was on the other day, and KI kept forgetting that Murphy was dead. I'd laugh at something she was doing, and then (re)realized, "Oh god, she's dead." I have to change the channel when a Billy Mays commercial comes on, no joke. It really is like seeing a ghost.
But on the other hand, I enjoy reading obituaries of the recently deceased. I just like the stories, really. The long ones are the best. Names of their family, where they lived, what they did, what they were like. There was a lady today who was born in 1918! My god, that was almost 100 years ago. Can you even imagine being that old? One day, someone's going to be reading my obituary and say "Holy shit, 1990? That was so, so long ago." And it will be so, so long ago, because I am going to live to be 110. Why? Merely because I want to live to see a new century. Wouldn't that be awesome? I want to be so old, that I'm like, one of the only people that remembers owning and iPod or something.
Here's a fun idea, kids! Let's write our own obituaries! I'll share mine:
Lisa Recchia
June 29th, 1990 - (???), 2100
Born during the style-challenged era known as the "90s", Lisa
was born in Etobicoke, Ontario, and later forsook the East for Vancouver,
for the mountains and ocean, that were all eventually named after her.
As a young woman, she enjoyed the Internet, moving in time to music, and
reading the obituaries of others. She always wanted to the others like her to
know that they are not alone. It is okay to take solace in the stories of the
dead. Lisa enjoyed a fruitful life of adventure, money, and handsome men
from foreign lands, sometimes named Julio. Eventually becoming the most
famous writer in the entire world, she lived by the pen, and died by the
sword. Literally. It was in her final duel with her longtime nemesis, Sven
Orggeson, that she met with Fate, and was stabbed over 100 times before
having her heart cut out and eaten, so Orggeson could gain her powers.
The end.
June 29th, 1990 - (???), 2100
Born during the style-challenged era known as the "90s", Lisa
was born in Etobicoke, Ontario, and later forsook the East for Vancouver,
for the mountains and ocean, that were all eventually named after her.
As a young woman, she enjoyed the Internet, moving in time to music, and
reading the obituaries of others. She always wanted to the others like her to
know that they are not alone. It is okay to take solace in the stories of the
dead. Lisa enjoyed a fruitful life of adventure, money, and handsome men
from foreign lands, sometimes named Julio. Eventually becoming the most
famous writer in the entire world, she lived by the pen, and died by the
sword. Literally. It was in her final duel with her longtime nemesis, Sven
Orggeson, that she met with Fate, and was stabbed over 100 times before
having her heart cut out and eaten, so Orggeson could gain her powers.
The end.
I am going to put it in my will, that this has to be my obituary, no matter what. I want this to be run in every newspaper of the time, for a solid week. Now, write your own obituary and post it in the comments! Not that anybody ever comments! Even though I've asked very politely! You fuckers!
So, I am going clubbing for the first, and possibly the last, time in my life tomorrow evening. The place: Republic. I'm all anxious about it too. It's like a party, only 10 times worse. Why? There's dancing. I always used to think I was a decent dancer. And then I'm not sure what happened. I got fat(ter), or possibly just saw a recording of myself dancing. Fuuucccckkkk. So now my confidence is shot. I'll have to make up for it with a great outfit, which I thankfully have. I'm probably only going to stick around for an hour though before heading over to Max's for the night. Some cool people from work are going to be there, like Andrew, Zaffy, Shaarah, Ashley and I can't remember who else, so that should be okay.
Anyway, peace out for now. Got an early shift tomorrow, and I have to get enough sleep so I can wake up with enough time to straighten my hair. How exciting.
So, I am going clubbing for the first, and possibly the last, time in my life tomorrow evening. The place: Republic. I'm all anxious about it too. It's like a party, only 10 times worse. Why? There's dancing. I always used to think I was a decent dancer. And then I'm not sure what happened. I got fat(ter), or possibly just saw a recording of myself dancing. Fuuucccckkkk. So now my confidence is shot. I'll have to make up for it with a great outfit, which I thankfully have. I'm probably only going to stick around for an hour though before heading over to Max's for the night. Some cool people from work are going to be there, like Andrew, Zaffy, Shaarah, Ashley and I can't remember who else, so that should be okay.
Anyway, peace out for now. Got an early shift tomorrow, and I have to get enough sleep so I can wake up with enough time to straighten my hair. How exciting.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Kaki King and Webcomics(?)
I don't think I've ever really talked about Kaki King on here before. Let's start now.
Kaki King is, without a doubt, the coolest musician I've ever had to pleasure to listen to. Words that come to mind are 'affecting', 'stirring' and 'breathtaking'. It's hard to properly describe how I feel about this music. I feel like I can only express my passion for it through movement, not words. Like, I feel like I have to dance when I hear it. Or sway, or tap my feet, or move my hands, shoulders, head, hips. This isn't music to sit still to. It requires movement. Kaki King is a musical goddess. It was by happy accident that I discovered her. Just some video on Youtube that was on "Videos Being Watched Now". It was Playing With Pink Noise. I was practically spellbound watching her manipulate those guitar strings. I thought she was just some Youtube phenomenom, but after a search on Limewire, I discovered I was pleasantly mistaken. Fast forward (two years?) and now I'm addicted. Yesss. And finally, I'm putting some of this music on my home computer, which is the one I sync my iPod with, so I can listen to Kaki King in such cool places as the bus! Yeah!
Okay, end gushing.
Drawing is hard. Not hard in the sense that I'm not good at it. I'm pretty decent, if I don't say so myself. But keeping up with it? Constantly drawing new expressions, poses... Needless to say, it's a challenge for someone with an attention span as short as mine. And an Internet addiction as serious as mine. It's difficult to focus.
But I really, really want to get this webcomic dream off the ground. I love webcomics so much, and I've wanted to do my own for awhile now. I would probably only be able to update once a week, but there are other things worrying me. Mostly the technical stuff. I seriously don't know anything about computers. In grade 5, we were given the project of designing our own webpage, basically an 'About Me' page. Keep in mind this was 2000, so computers were still pretty ghetto. And I failed it. One of the reasons being that I didn't have a computer in my house yet (and wouldn't, until 2004) so I had no time to work on it, and another being I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Seriously, everyone else got like, 100%, and I just never submitted mine, because I had no idea how to do anything. They talked about coding, and all that html bullshit, but I was completely in the dark. I remember getting really frustrated, because if everyone else could do it, it must be simple. But I just couldn't get it.
Soooo, just an old fear of failure coming back to haunt me.Thankfully I know some intelligent people who will (hopefully) help me. And, and! I'm going to buy a scanner with my next paycheque! Super excited about this! Now I can finally submit things to deviantart! Whooo.
Just had a Jones Soda, and the fortune under the bottle cap said "The project you have in mind now gains momentum." Score!
PS. Already thinking of Halloween costumes. I want to go for something Internet meme related. A lolcat?
Kaki King is, without a doubt, the coolest musician I've ever had to pleasure to listen to. Words that come to mind are 'affecting', 'stirring' and 'breathtaking'. It's hard to properly describe how I feel about this music. I feel like I can only express my passion for it through movement, not words. Like, I feel like I have to dance when I hear it. Or sway, or tap my feet, or move my hands, shoulders, head, hips. This isn't music to sit still to. It requires movement. Kaki King is a musical goddess. It was by happy accident that I discovered her. Just some video on Youtube that was on "Videos Being Watched Now". It was Playing With Pink Noise. I was practically spellbound watching her manipulate those guitar strings. I thought she was just some Youtube phenomenom, but after a search on Limewire, I discovered I was pleasantly mistaken. Fast forward (two years?) and now I'm addicted. Yesss. And finally, I'm putting some of this music on my home computer, which is the one I sync my iPod with, so I can listen to Kaki King in such cool places as the bus! Yeah!
Okay, end gushing.
Drawing is hard. Not hard in the sense that I'm not good at it. I'm pretty decent, if I don't say so myself. But keeping up with it? Constantly drawing new expressions, poses... Needless to say, it's a challenge for someone with an attention span as short as mine. And an Internet addiction as serious as mine. It's difficult to focus.
But I really, really want to get this webcomic dream off the ground. I love webcomics so much, and I've wanted to do my own for awhile now. I would probably only be able to update once a week, but there are other things worrying me. Mostly the technical stuff. I seriously don't know anything about computers. In grade 5, we were given the project of designing our own webpage, basically an 'About Me' page. Keep in mind this was 2000, so computers were still pretty ghetto. And I failed it. One of the reasons being that I didn't have a computer in my house yet (and wouldn't, until 2004) so I had no time to work on it, and another being I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Seriously, everyone else got like, 100%, and I just never submitted mine, because I had no idea how to do anything. They talked about coding, and all that html bullshit, but I was completely in the dark. I remember getting really frustrated, because if everyone else could do it, it must be simple. But I just couldn't get it.
Soooo, just an old fear of failure coming back to haunt me.Thankfully I know some intelligent people who will (hopefully) help me. And, and! I'm going to buy a scanner with my next paycheque! Super excited about this! Now I can finally submit things to deviantart! Whooo.
Just had a Jones Soda, and the fortune under the bottle cap said "The project you have in mind now gains momentum." Score!
PS. Already thinking of Halloween costumes. I want to go for something Internet meme related. A lolcat?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Recipes and New Ideas
I'm BACK!
As I sit here drinking homemade lemonade, hands stained red with strawberry juice from the chocolate-strawberry birthday cake I just made for my brother, and eating delicious curry vermicelli, I can't help but think about food.
Today I watched like, a million cooking shows, including French Food at Home, Chef at Home, Ricardo and Friends, and Everyday Exotic, and the recipes I managed to collect today are seriously GOLDEN. Pineapple salsa! Salmon wrapped in prosciutto! Lamb meatballs with mint yogurt sauce! Lobster in cognac sauce with blanched vegetables! Homemade strawberry ice cream! My destiny is clear to me now: I must have a dinner party.
I've been wanting to do one for so long, and now not only do I have the perfect recipes in mind, but I also have the most perfect dress that I bought just the other day, for maximum hostess power. And I was going to find a picture of it on the Forever 21 website, but I bought it on sale for like, $24 off it's regular price (it was originally $34.99, but I got it for $10.99!). It's a perfect little navy blue thing.
Watching Sherlock Holmes again, and I have to say, it is one of my new favourite movies. Partly because I love that they portrayed Watson the way he was supposed to be, the music, the costumes and the mystery, but mostly because of Robert Downey Jr. Seriously the coolest Sherlock Holmes ever. I could watch this movie every day. I even like Lord Blackwood, despite being the bad guy. And it's great that they kind of had Mortiarty in it, hinting at a sequel.
Ooh, and I have some interesting news. I finally have an idea that I like, and I want to make a webcomic, for real this time. I won't say what it's about right now, because you're obviously all out to steal my ideas. And I don't want to get anyone's hopes up in case I don't actually do it, which happens around me a lot. There are many things I said I'd do, and then never got around to doing. Yuuup.
Also, there's a lot of technical stuff I have to think about. Setting up a website? Uploading stuff? Selling ad space? How the fuck do I do all of that? Thankfully I know some brilliant computer people (which is just Max for now) who should help me get this off the ground. I think it could be really cool. And I've always, always wanted a comic to call my own.
So, I'll try getting regular updates to happen again! Right now I'm sketching and writing and dreaming up more ideas, so let's see what I can make of things...
As I sit here drinking homemade lemonade, hands stained red with strawberry juice from the chocolate-strawberry birthday cake I just made for my brother, and eating delicious curry vermicelli, I can't help but think about food.
Today I watched like, a million cooking shows, including French Food at Home, Chef at Home, Ricardo and Friends, and Everyday Exotic, and the recipes I managed to collect today are seriously GOLDEN. Pineapple salsa! Salmon wrapped in prosciutto! Lamb meatballs with mint yogurt sauce! Lobster in cognac sauce with blanched vegetables! Homemade strawberry ice cream! My destiny is clear to me now: I must have a dinner party.
I've been wanting to do one for so long, and now not only do I have the perfect recipes in mind, but I also have the most perfect dress that I bought just the other day, for maximum hostess power. And I was going to find a picture of it on the Forever 21 website, but I bought it on sale for like, $24 off it's regular price (it was originally $34.99, but I got it for $10.99!). It's a perfect little navy blue thing.
Watching Sherlock Holmes again, and I have to say, it is one of my new favourite movies. Partly because I love that they portrayed Watson the way he was supposed to be, the music, the costumes and the mystery, but mostly because of Robert Downey Jr. Seriously the coolest Sherlock Holmes ever. I could watch this movie every day. I even like Lord Blackwood, despite being the bad guy. And it's great that they kind of had Mortiarty in it, hinting at a sequel.
Ooh, and I have some interesting news. I finally have an idea that I like, and I want to make a webcomic, for real this time. I won't say what it's about right now, because you're obviously all out to steal my ideas. And I don't want to get anyone's hopes up in case I don't actually do it, which happens around me a lot. There are many things I said I'd do, and then never got around to doing. Yuuup.
Also, there's a lot of technical stuff I have to think about. Setting up a website? Uploading stuff? Selling ad space? How the fuck do I do all of that? Thankfully I know some brilliant computer people (which is just Max for now) who should help me get this off the ground. I think it could be really cool. And I've always, always wanted a comic to call my own.
So, I'll try getting regular updates to happen again! Right now I'm sketching and writing and dreaming up more ideas, so let's see what I can make of things...
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Second Chances and Who The Fuck Even Knows
Tomorrow. I am meeting up with Max tomorrow.
I emailed him, and said that I think I spoke too quickly, and I regret (so, so much) saying no to trying to work things out. And I do, I really do. I was so hasty, so quick, that I didn't stop to think about anything. I was tired from that week at the Girl Guide camp (did I tell you that I'd worked on the Saturday for 15 hours, with only a 1 1/2 hour break? I was exhausted), and instead of taking a night to sleep on it, I went right for the money.
And I seriously don't know what to think now. Yesterday, I was SO SURE I'd made the right decision. But I should know myself well enough by know to realize that I can never be sure about anything.
I just want things to be the way they used to be.
I emailed him, and said that I think I spoke too quickly, and I regret (so, so much) saying no to trying to work things out. And I do, I really do. I was so hasty, so quick, that I didn't stop to think about anything. I was tired from that week at the Girl Guide camp (did I tell you that I'd worked on the Saturday for 15 hours, with only a 1 1/2 hour break? I was exhausted), and instead of taking a night to sleep on it, I went right for the money.
And I seriously don't know what to think now. Yesterday, I was SO SURE I'd made the right decision. But I should know myself well enough by know to realize that I can never be sure about anything.
I just want things to be the way they used to be.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Me Days
This I'm-trying-really-hard-not-to-think-about-Max update is brought to you by Depression and Amanda-says-it's-good-for-'personal-growth'!
While I was busy sitting at home on my laptop (literally?!) I decided to check out My Life Is Average. No particularly interesting ones today. Except there was this one:
"Today, my dad was feeling down because he got laid off. I showed my dad MyLifeIsAverage.com. He didn't get the stories. I then showed him MyLifeIsTwilight.com. He laughed, fell out of his chair, and raised my allowance. He thought it was the stupidest thing he had ever read. MLIA"
I thought this was some kind of sick, awful joke. No fucking way there was a site like this, no way in hell. This horrible Twilight obsession that is rampant right now is so annoying. It's not even good writing! So, I had to see for myself. Sadly, it's real.
You thought YOU were pathetic? Get a load of this shit, seriously.
"Today, I told my History teacher that I was a vampire and I had eaten seven humans over the weekend. I am no longer her favourite, just the weirdo who sits in the corner. MLIT!"
"Today I made out with my large sybarian husky because he reminded me of Jacob. MLIT"
"As of now, I have 4 days til I get on my Greyhound. Destination? FORKS! I'm moving there. Seriously. My apartment's already set up. I have a job at a Twilight tourist shop. I love my life! MLIT."
And now, perhaps the saddest one of all:
"I have a life-sized cardboard cutout of Edward in my room. When I saw New Moon again I bought an extra ticket and had Edward sit next to me. Best date ever. MLIT.
Just... just stop. There are no vampires or werewolves out there, and if there are, they are not sexy. Not even a little. I want you all to know this and stop pretending that Twilight is real, alright?
EDIT: I stand corrected. Here is the saddest one of all:
"Today, I realized Im pretty much going to fail the IB because I cant stop reading the Twilight Saga over and over again. Its totally worth it. Who cares about Anna Karenina when you can read about Edward and Bella? MLIT"
Holy fuck, I felt something inside me shrivel up and die. Who cares about Anna Karenina when you can read about fucking Edward and Bella? Holy fuck. That's like saying who gives a shit about Shakespeare when you could read the stunning literary gems of Stephanie Meyer. Because screw the legacy Billy left the world. I want some more teenage sexual tension.
And that's pretty much all that's going on today. I'm supposed to be going out to dinner with Carla and Cerina tonight, but I'm really not feeling it. Plus, it is windy and cold as shit, and if I go out I'm going to have to wear a dress, and I am not in the mood to be cold today. And I switched shifts with Karina, so tomorrow I'm working 8 to 2, so going out and having dinner late seems like a bad idea. And, to be honest, I'm still feeling pretty lousy and bummed out about everything, and I think I need a Me Day. I still have a lot to think about. Also, I have nothing nice to wear out.
Just trying not to think too hard about everything. I feel like I've moved out of the depressed stage, and am on to acceptance. Actually, I seriously did go through the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). I hope I'll be okay from now on. I do still feel sad, but that's normal I guess.
It's like, I feel like I want to get back together with Max, but would that feeling last? My mum did this thing, where she broke up and then got back together with the same guy like, 5 times. I think she just gave in to how sad and lonely it all was, and couldn't deal, so she kept going back. As much as I didn't like him, I felt really bad for him, and I do not want to make Max feel like that at all. Also, I can't tell if I actually want to be with him again, or if I'm just lonely.
Travis said that there should be some kind of Relationship Funeral. Because it's like, after you end a relationship, then what? It still feels like everything is the same most of the time. How are you supposed to just end something like 3 fucking years of loving someone just like that, and go about with your life like everything is the same? There should be some kind of funeral, so you can recognize that it's over and be able to properly move on. Because there's always those times, like when you first wake up after dreaming about him, where you forget what happened. And the realization always makes me feel sick and sad. So is that a sign?
Augh, Max, I need to talk to you. But you said you'd come and find me when you were ready, so I'm respecting that and waiting. You're so sensible, I know that I'll be able to work something out if we talk.
Well, so much for getting my mind off of Max. Now I just miss him again.
While I was busy sitting at home on my laptop (literally?!) I decided to check out My Life Is Average. No particularly interesting ones today. Except there was this one:
"Today, my dad was feeling down because he got laid off. I showed my dad MyLifeIsAverage.com. He didn't get the stories. I then showed him MyLifeIsTwilight.com. He laughed, fell out of his chair, and raised my allowance. He thought it was the stupidest thing he had ever read. MLIA"
I thought this was some kind of sick, awful joke. No fucking way there was a site like this, no way in hell. This horrible Twilight obsession that is rampant right now is so annoying. It's not even good writing! So, I had to see for myself. Sadly, it's real.
You thought YOU were pathetic? Get a load of this shit, seriously.
"Today, I told my History teacher that I was a vampire and I had eaten seven humans over the weekend. I am no longer her favourite, just the weirdo who sits in the corner. MLIT!"
"Today I made out with my large sybarian husky because he reminded me of Jacob. MLIT"
"As of now, I have 4 days til I get on my Greyhound. Destination? FORKS! I'm moving there. Seriously. My apartment's already set up. I have a job at a Twilight tourist shop. I love my life! MLIT."
And now, perhaps the saddest one of all:
"I have a life-sized cardboard cutout of Edward in my room. When I saw New Moon again I bought an extra ticket and had Edward sit next to me. Best date ever. MLIT.
Just... just stop. There are no vampires or werewolves out there, and if there are, they are not sexy. Not even a little. I want you all to know this and stop pretending that Twilight is real, alright?
EDIT: I stand corrected. Here is the saddest one of all:
"Today, I realized Im pretty much going to fail the IB because I cant stop reading the Twilight Saga over and over again. Its totally worth it. Who cares about Anna Karenina when you can read about Edward and Bella? MLIT"
Holy fuck, I felt something inside me shrivel up and die. Who cares about Anna Karenina when you can read about fucking Edward and Bella? Holy fuck. That's like saying who gives a shit about Shakespeare when you could read the stunning literary gems of Stephanie Meyer. Because screw the legacy Billy left the world. I want some more teenage sexual tension.
And that's pretty much all that's going on today. I'm supposed to be going out to dinner with Carla and Cerina tonight, but I'm really not feeling it. Plus, it is windy and cold as shit, and if I go out I'm going to have to wear a dress, and I am not in the mood to be cold today. And I switched shifts with Karina, so tomorrow I'm working 8 to 2, so going out and having dinner late seems like a bad idea. And, to be honest, I'm still feeling pretty lousy and bummed out about everything, and I think I need a Me Day. I still have a lot to think about. Also, I have nothing nice to wear out.
Just trying not to think too hard about everything. I feel like I've moved out of the depressed stage, and am on to acceptance. Actually, I seriously did go through the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). I hope I'll be okay from now on. I do still feel sad, but that's normal I guess.
It's like, I feel like I want to get back together with Max, but would that feeling last? My mum did this thing, where she broke up and then got back together with the same guy like, 5 times. I think she just gave in to how sad and lonely it all was, and couldn't deal, so she kept going back. As much as I didn't like him, I felt really bad for him, and I do not want to make Max feel like that at all. Also, I can't tell if I actually want to be with him again, or if I'm just lonely.
Travis said that there should be some kind of Relationship Funeral. Because it's like, after you end a relationship, then what? It still feels like everything is the same most of the time. How are you supposed to just end something like 3 fucking years of loving someone just like that, and go about with your life like everything is the same? There should be some kind of funeral, so you can recognize that it's over and be able to properly move on. Because there's always those times, like when you first wake up after dreaming about him, where you forget what happened. And the realization always makes me feel sick and sad. So is that a sign?
Augh, Max, I need to talk to you. But you said you'd come and find me when you were ready, so I'm respecting that and waiting. You're so sensible, I know that I'll be able to work something out if we talk.
Well, so much for getting my mind off of Max. Now I just miss him again.
Second Guessing My Second Thoughts
Maybe I did make the right decision after all, no matter how much it hurts.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Stupid, Impulsive Bird
Tonight is going to be a night for meditation.
I have already thought long and hard about this, and I'm really having second thoughts about my decision. Shit, I had second thoughts about it when I was telling Max. But I come from an impulsive mother, and the minute we get an idea into our heads, that's it. No thinking ahead, just going for it.
So, I'm going to have a nice shower, because my stupid bus was 15 minutes late and it is FREEZING outside. Then, I'm going to make a healthy dinner of brussel sprouts in black bean sauce and basmati rice with mushrooms and onions, with coconut yogurt for a snack. And then I am going to stay up, potentially all night, and think very, very hard.
People have told me that I'm only thinking about getting back together with Max because I'm lonely. I have taken this into account, don't worry. They tell me that, sure, you can make as many mistakes as you want, but remember that people are fragile; you can't just go yanking their hearts around whenever you feel like it. Don't fret, I've thought about this too. I've thought about so much in the past days, like what I could have done instead, and what a big fucking idiot I am. Already, Rachel told me that I'm stupid.
I have to do whatever feels right. But that is incredibly hard for me to figure out, because I always second guess myself. Like, what if Max and I DO get back together. But along the line we realize that this isn't what we wanted, so we have to do this whole dance all over again. Also, what if Max doesn't want to get back together again. Well, I suppose there's nothing I can do about that then, so... Argh, life is so frustrating.
Well, I'm going to go and begin the meditation. I hope I have a clear answer soon.
Chiara said that dreams have truth in them. If you dream about how happy you are being with someone every night, that's a sign, right?
I have already thought long and hard about this, and I'm really having second thoughts about my decision. Shit, I had second thoughts about it when I was telling Max. But I come from an impulsive mother, and the minute we get an idea into our heads, that's it. No thinking ahead, just going for it.
So, I'm going to have a nice shower, because my stupid bus was 15 minutes late and it is FREEZING outside. Then, I'm going to make a healthy dinner of brussel sprouts in black bean sauce and basmati rice with mushrooms and onions, with coconut yogurt for a snack. And then I am going to stay up, potentially all night, and think very, very hard.
People have told me that I'm only thinking about getting back together with Max because I'm lonely. I have taken this into account, don't worry. They tell me that, sure, you can make as many mistakes as you want, but remember that people are fragile; you can't just go yanking their hearts around whenever you feel like it. Don't fret, I've thought about this too. I've thought about so much in the past days, like what I could have done instead, and what a big fucking idiot I am. Already, Rachel told me that I'm stupid.
I have to do whatever feels right. But that is incredibly hard for me to figure out, because I always second guess myself. Like, what if Max and I DO get back together. But along the line we realize that this isn't what we wanted, so we have to do this whole dance all over again. Also, what if Max doesn't want to get back together again. Well, I suppose there's nothing I can do about that then, so... Argh, life is so frustrating.
Well, I'm going to go and begin the meditation. I hope I have a clear answer soon.
Chiara said that dreams have truth in them. If you dream about how happy you are being with someone every night, that's a sign, right?
April Fools
Christ, another dream. Took me 20 minutes after waking up today to remember that things are different now. April Fools?
I was washing dishes, and Max was there. Forgave me, again. Kissed my neck. I was happy. He told me he'd been reading this blog. I don't know why, but that made even happier.
Work today, 1:30 to 9:30, and then I'm just going to come home and sleep and sleep and sleep.
I was washing dishes, and Max was there. Forgave me, again. Kissed my neck. I was happy. He told me he'd been reading this blog. I don't know why, but that made even happier.
Work today, 1:30 to 9:30, and then I'm just going to come home and sleep and sleep and sleep.
I Got Nothing
Another dream about Max last night. They're getting a little more x-rated each time. He forgave me again. We were having a tour of Disney HQ (I know it doesn't make sense). I went to hold his hand, and he held mine back. He went to look out a window, and we almost fell out of it. He laughed, and then other dream weirdness happened.
Listening to Love Like A Sunset again, which is now my anthem. When I listen to this song, I feel invincible. Nothing can touch me, motherfuckers. I don't fall apart. I can do ANYTHING.
Unfortunately, there's nothing interesting to blog about lately, since I've been too preoccupied with my own terrible life. Listened to one new Radiolab show, but it was only a short one. It was about this old folks home in Austria, and most of their patients, being old, were losing their minds or had full blown Alzheimers. They were constantly escaping the home and just wandering off, looking for loved ones, the houses they grew up in, their parents, etc. They wound up on buses a lot of the time, and went to other towns and villages, 40 miles away sometimes.
One guy who worked there had an idea. Since most of these disillusioned oldsters would get on buses in their escape, his idea was the build a fake bus stop right in front of the home, as a sort of trap. They would go there, and wait for the bus, and wait and wait and wait. And eventually one of the staff would notice them, and be able to bring them safely back.
At first people thought this was a stupid idea, but they built the bus stop anyway. And it actually worked. The bus stop is immediately outside of the doors, so it's the first thing you see. And crazy old folk fell for the bait, and would just wait and wait for the bus, until a nurse came and coaxed them back.
I just thought that was cool.
Thought. Why am I letting myself feel terrible about all this? I did nothing wrong. I know, it is sad, and I hurt Max. But I've done nothing horrible. I should just get over it and stop being such a crybaby. Yeah, I miss Max a lot, more than I thought I would. But I'm going to get over this, and hope that I get to talk to him again one day.
Max, I wish you read these. I'm sorry.
FUCK. Nothing's ever going to be the same again.
PS. OH GOD, OH GOD, WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'VE MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE.
What if I fucked everything up. I fucked everything up. What if I could have fixed things. What if I acted too rashly; I got a feeling and just ran with it. Why do I feel like so much shit. I just want to sleep, sleep all day so I don't have to think, so I can just have dreams about you. Does everyone go through this? This is fucked up, this is so fucked up. I don't want to do ANYTHING but stay inside all day. It's too hard, it's making me tired. I just cry every day now. What if no one ever loves me again. Oh god, oh god, fuck fuck. I suppose I can't just go back to the way things were. I feel like I want to get back together with you, but you probably wouldn't go for that. I know you better than I know myself.
OOOOKKKAAAAY THERE EMO, just take a deeeeep deep breathe and chill the fuck out. This is all new and strange, and you've got to stop letting the panic show.
FUN FACT! That (see PS) is how my mind actually works!
Listening to Love Like A Sunset again, which is now my anthem. When I listen to this song, I feel invincible. Nothing can touch me, motherfuckers. I don't fall apart. I can do ANYTHING.
Unfortunately, there's nothing interesting to blog about lately, since I've been too preoccupied with my own terrible life. Listened to one new Radiolab show, but it was only a short one. It was about this old folks home in Austria, and most of their patients, being old, were losing their minds or had full blown Alzheimers. They were constantly escaping the home and just wandering off, looking for loved ones, the houses they grew up in, their parents, etc. They wound up on buses a lot of the time, and went to other towns and villages, 40 miles away sometimes.
One guy who worked there had an idea. Since most of these disillusioned oldsters would get on buses in their escape, his idea was the build a fake bus stop right in front of the home, as a sort of trap. They would go there, and wait for the bus, and wait and wait and wait. And eventually one of the staff would notice them, and be able to bring them safely back.
At first people thought this was a stupid idea, but they built the bus stop anyway. And it actually worked. The bus stop is immediately outside of the doors, so it's the first thing you see. And crazy old folk fell for the bait, and would just wait and wait for the bus, until a nurse came and coaxed them back.
I just thought that was cool.
Thought. Why am I letting myself feel terrible about all this? I did nothing wrong. I know, it is sad, and I hurt Max. But I've done nothing horrible. I should just get over it and stop being such a crybaby. Yeah, I miss Max a lot, more than I thought I would. But I'm going to get over this, and hope that I get to talk to him again one day.
Max, I wish you read these. I'm sorry.
FUCK. Nothing's ever going to be the same again.
PS. OH GOD, OH GOD, WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'VE MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE.
What if I fucked everything up. I fucked everything up. What if I could have fixed things. What if I acted too rashly; I got a feeling and just ran with it. Why do I feel like so much shit. I just want to sleep, sleep all day so I don't have to think, so I can just have dreams about you. Does everyone go through this? This is fucked up, this is so fucked up. I don't want to do ANYTHING but stay inside all day. It's too hard, it's making me tired. I just cry every day now. What if no one ever loves me again. Oh god, oh god, fuck fuck. I suppose I can't just go back to the way things were. I feel like I want to get back together with you, but you probably wouldn't go for that. I know you better than I know myself.
OOOOKKKAAAAY THERE EMO, just take a deeeeep deep breathe and chill the fuck out. This is all new and strange, and you've got to stop letting the panic show.
FUN FACT! That (see PS) is how my mind actually works!
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