You know, I started this blog when I was going through a lot of weird, internal, emotional things. And I'm still going through a lot of that, but different ones now. I've grown a lot since I needed this blog to help me. I moved out with my boyfriend of now 7 and a half years, and we're loving it. I recently went on a month long trip to Europe with my sister, which, while sometimes very trying (she's hard to get along with), proved in the end to be a valuable experience. I graduated from Langara, and now I'm almost done being a 3rd year student at Emily Carr University. My creative talents have leapt and grown, and while, like I said, I still have many, many personal problems to face, the fact that my art is becoming so, so good brings me a lot of solace.
So I guess I'm saying goodbye to this blog. It's been almost a year since I made a post, but I've thought often about it. It helped me to write so many of these things down, especially when I didn't know where I was going with my life, and when Yas died, and when I broke up with Max that one time (hahaha I try not to think about this). But it helped me when I needed it, and now that it's no longer needed, I will close this chapter of my blogging history. Maybe I'll start a new one? I do miss writing one, especially since regularly writing in a journal is slowly becoming a thing of the past for me. And I would like a place to share my creative process and goals with people. But for now, I'm just trying to focus on registering for Fall semester classes (as we speak) and how to pay off my credit card after going to Europe, so all things in their own time.
Good luck, thanks for reading, and goodbye!
Monday, June 16, 2014
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Better
Hey, it's okay. I feel a lot better now. I can't go into too many details right now because I have important big kid work to do! I'm moving out! And there's a lot to get done. For now, let's just chill out.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Yeah, No, Seriously, Wow
So glad I'm a pathetic garbage "human". Feels good. Feels awesome. Life is awesome. Thanks for the totally rad mental fucking problems, it's all so chill.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Old Man's War
My good friend Paul introduced me to an amazing author the other day, John Scalzi. I never was a huge science fiction buff, though I was into it a bit more when I was younger. Mostly older stuff like Bradbury though, nothing too new. But Paul insisted that Scalzi's book, Old Man's War, was one of his favourites, and shit, paperback science fiction novels are like 10 bucks, so I gave it a shot...
And now I'm completely, head over heels in love! I cannot stress enough how this is easily one of the best books I have ever read. I knew I loved it when I was only two and a half pages in. Old Man's War is the first in a trilogy, thank god, because I finished it in less than a total of 24 hours and I need more. Also, I'm unused to books being so cheap, so you know what that means? Time to buy more and more and more and more and...
I also added another Christopher Moore book to my collection: Sacré Bleu: A Comedy D'Art. I have a very deep love for all of Moore's stories, and encourage everyone to give them a shot. They're funny as hell, but with amazing storytelling and some deeply emotional moments too. The tagline for Sacré |Bleu is:
And now I'm completely, head over heels in love! I cannot stress enough how this is easily one of the best books I have ever read. I knew I loved it when I was only two and a half pages in. Old Man's War is the first in a trilogy, thank god, because I finished it in less than a total of 24 hours and I need more. Also, I'm unused to books being so cheap, so you know what that means? Time to buy more and more and more and more and...
I also added another Christopher Moore book to my collection: Sacré Bleu: A Comedy D'Art. I have a very deep love for all of Moore's stories, and encourage everyone to give them a shot. They're funny as hell, but with amazing storytelling and some deeply emotional moments too. The tagline for Sacré |Bleu is:
In July 1890, Vincent van Gogh went into a cornfield and shot himseld. Or did he?I feel like I'm at the right point in my life right now to have found this book. I don't think I would appreciate it as much as I think I'm going to if I didn't have my newfound art and art history background. Just started it today, so I'll probably be done by Sunday hahaha. Anyhow, I'm off for a lovely day of hanging out with my girl Sarah. We're going for lunch at The Tipper, a really great little place near my work, and then who knows.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Are You My Mother?
Since it was my birthday a couple of days ago, I decided to buy myself a present yesterday: two books. One was an anatomy book for artists (it's so beautiful!) that I've been meaning to buy for a while, and the other one is a graphic novel by Alison Bechdel, Are You My Mother? It's the companion to a previous novel, Fun Home. Of course, I'm already 3/4 of the way through it, and completely loving every second of it.
When I read Fun Home, it was my first time in college. I was 18, and determined to become and English major. In taking as many English and Literature classes as I could, I ended up taking one of "The Graphic Novel". My teacher at the time said that he had had a hard time getting permission to teach this class, and met with a lot of resistance from fellow professors. This was not astonishing news. At the time of this class, almost 4 and a half years ago, graphic novels had not yet reached a great degree of recognition. Today, they're making better progress.
The rest of my class was completely flummoxed by Fun Home. Bechdel is smart, and it wasn't like many other graphic novels I had encountered. I read the entire thing twice before we discussed it the following week in class, completely enthralled with a form of storytelling that I didn't yet have much experience with. It had such a personal, yet matter-of-fact tone that I hadn't seen in the other comics and graphic novels that I had read up until that point. She was good at thinking, which sounds crazy, but is something that most people are not very good at. She thought about things, and then thought about thinking about them.
During my Fine Arts program, I had to talk two classes: Cultural Theory, and Critical and Cultural Theory. Hands down the hardest classes I have ever taken in my life. At the beginning of the first class, my teacher Lynn Ruscheinsky, told us that this class was supposed to teach us how to think. We scoffed. Thanks but no thanks. I'm fairly sure we already know how to think. We thought of this statement as arrogant. But you know what? She was right! It did teach me how to think! Okay, not that I didn't already know how to think about things, but it taught me how to think about things harder, if that makes any sense. I came to see that it was a kind of glorified philosophy class, but less of the stereotypical ideas of what a college philosophy class is like, and more reading and reading and reading and READING about all these people and ideas. I already knew a bit about most of them. Plato, Nietzsche, Freud, Darwin... I had a bit of a footing with them. The others (Hume, Althusser, Foucault, Saussure, Essed, etc) I was much less framiliar with, but quickly learned to keep up. There was a lot more on psychology than I had anticipated. It was a little dizzying sometimes.
After the class was over, I was convinced that I learned absolutely nothing from it. I passed with a B (somehow?) and was content to forget about it. But two weeks ago, discussing it with Sarah, we both agreed that it had completely changed the way that we approached thinking about things. I feel like I'm more mentally capable than I used to be. And since that class, I have read so many things that directly reference things that I learned in Cultural Theory, and I would have been lost in my reading if I hadn't learned about it in school.
So, back to Alison Bechdel. I feel like I found Fun Home and Are You My Mother? at very appropriate times in my life. Fun Home was my first foray into what else graphic novels could be, and it enticed me in. Are You My Mother? would have been so much more impossible to understand if I hadn't taken Cultural Theory. It's smarter than Fun Home, and more challenging.
I can't gush enough about it. I wish I wasn't almost done. I always do this, where I completely power through a book. I know I'll go back and read it at least 3 more times though, and each time I'll pick up on an idea I missed the first time. I wish I could meet her, and tell her... I don't know, I don't want to say "what an inspiration she is to me!" because it sounds so over-eager and dramatic. I just really wish I could make comics like she can. To be fair, she's been at it a lot longer than I have, and maybe longer than I've even been alive? She's just cool as hell, and she makes me want to learn more. She talks a lot about this guy Donald Winnicott, a psychoanalyst, and I'm thinking about going to the library and finding some of his stuff to read, because it's actually really interesting.
If I actually met her though, she'd think I was the biggest idiot ever though, because I cannot talk to people that I admire without losing my voice and going red. Thank you, anxiety. It sounds like she's got anxiety problems like I do too though, so maybe she'd understand and take pity on me, haha.
When I read Fun Home, it was my first time in college. I was 18, and determined to become and English major. In taking as many English and Literature classes as I could, I ended up taking one of "The Graphic Novel". My teacher at the time said that he had had a hard time getting permission to teach this class, and met with a lot of resistance from fellow professors. This was not astonishing news. At the time of this class, almost 4 and a half years ago, graphic novels had not yet reached a great degree of recognition. Today, they're making better progress.
The rest of my class was completely flummoxed by Fun Home. Bechdel is smart, and it wasn't like many other graphic novels I had encountered. I read the entire thing twice before we discussed it the following week in class, completely enthralled with a form of storytelling that I didn't yet have much experience with. It had such a personal, yet matter-of-fact tone that I hadn't seen in the other comics and graphic novels that I had read up until that point. She was good at thinking, which sounds crazy, but is something that most people are not very good at. She thought about things, and then thought about thinking about them.
During my Fine Arts program, I had to talk two classes: Cultural Theory, and Critical and Cultural Theory. Hands down the hardest classes I have ever taken in my life. At the beginning of the first class, my teacher Lynn Ruscheinsky, told us that this class was supposed to teach us how to think. We scoffed. Thanks but no thanks. I'm fairly sure we already know how to think. We thought of this statement as arrogant. But you know what? She was right! It did teach me how to think! Okay, not that I didn't already know how to think about things, but it taught me how to think about things harder, if that makes any sense. I came to see that it was a kind of glorified philosophy class, but less of the stereotypical ideas of what a college philosophy class is like, and more reading and reading and reading and READING about all these people and ideas. I already knew a bit about most of them. Plato, Nietzsche, Freud, Darwin... I had a bit of a footing with them. The others (Hume, Althusser, Foucault, Saussure, Essed, etc) I was much less framiliar with, but quickly learned to keep up. There was a lot more on psychology than I had anticipated. It was a little dizzying sometimes.
After the class was over, I was convinced that I learned absolutely nothing from it. I passed with a B (somehow?) and was content to forget about it. But two weeks ago, discussing it with Sarah, we both agreed that it had completely changed the way that we approached thinking about things. I feel like I'm more mentally capable than I used to be. And since that class, I have read so many things that directly reference things that I learned in Cultural Theory, and I would have been lost in my reading if I hadn't learned about it in school.
So, back to Alison Bechdel. I feel like I found Fun Home and Are You My Mother? at very appropriate times in my life. Fun Home was my first foray into what else graphic novels could be, and it enticed me in. Are You My Mother? would have been so much more impossible to understand if I hadn't taken Cultural Theory. It's smarter than Fun Home, and more challenging.
I can't gush enough about it. I wish I wasn't almost done. I always do this, where I completely power through a book. I know I'll go back and read it at least 3 more times though, and each time I'll pick up on an idea I missed the first time. I wish I could meet her, and tell her... I don't know, I don't want to say "what an inspiration she is to me!" because it sounds so over-eager and dramatic. I just really wish I could make comics like she can. To be fair, she's been at it a lot longer than I have, and maybe longer than I've even been alive? She's just cool as hell, and she makes me want to learn more. She talks a lot about this guy Donald Winnicott, a psychoanalyst, and I'm thinking about going to the library and finding some of his stuff to read, because it's actually really interesting.
If I actually met her though, she'd think I was the biggest idiot ever though, because I cannot talk to people that I admire without losing my voice and going red. Thank you, anxiety. It sounds like she's got anxiety problems like I do too though, so maybe she'd understand and take pity on me, haha.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
It's All Art, You Twat-Weasles
Can I please, please, please just make art without it being pointed out to me that illustration and "art" are different things? Maybe I like illustrating jokes for my friends. How can you honestly look at a thoughtfully drawn illustration and differentiate, and then look at something fucking Duchamp puked up and call that art.
Plebians.
Plebians.
Friday, May 3, 2013
A Different Kind of Fix
My role in life has made itself apparent to me. The thing that I am best at doing is helping people. But not in a mundane way. I seem to be best at helping people be at ease. I'm not doing a very good job at explaining it, I know. But it's like... like I seem to be able to lift the veil for people, and bring them out into the sunshine. To just put out a hand, and touch someone, and coax them into some sense, however brief, of gladness or serenity or joy.
I'm not trying to sound high and mighty about this. Quite the opposite, I am incredibly humbled at my seeming ability to do this. I'm happy that I can help. I feel like art is just another avenue for me to help out. Images can effect us deeply, and I appear to be very capable of creating things that bring other people joy. It's a good feeling, and it gives me a sort of peace of mind, knowing that I've found what I'm really good at. I like quietly moving amongst the people in my life, stopping here and there to pick somebody up.
The only thing that occassionally worries me, when I stop long enough to let myself think about it, is: Who's going to pick me up?
(Also, please check out this link! It leads to some of the most marvelously beautiful photography I've ever seen: http://www.kirstymitchellphotography.com/gallery.php?album=5 )
I'm not trying to sound high and mighty about this. Quite the opposite, I am incredibly humbled at my seeming ability to do this. I'm happy that I can help. I feel like art is just another avenue for me to help out. Images can effect us deeply, and I appear to be very capable of creating things that bring other people joy. It's a good feeling, and it gives me a sort of peace of mind, knowing that I've found what I'm really good at. I like quietly moving amongst the people in my life, stopping here and there to pick somebody up.
The only thing that occassionally worries me, when I stop long enough to let myself think about it, is: Who's going to pick me up?
(Also, please check out this link! It leads to some of the most marvelously beautiful photography I've ever seen: http://www.kirstymitchellphotography.com/gallery.php?album=5 )
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Cherchez La Femme
I'd like to talk about a subject that I am very sensitive to. Normally I wouldn't even discuss it, because I feel like talking about it is just feeding the beast. But I decided that that's silly, and I can talk about whatever I like, and if you don't like it, well, then I don't like you.
Hi, my name is Lisa, and I'm a girl nerd.
Or or nerd girl? Or geek girl? Or... or something? See, I'm even hesitant to name it, because the second you call yourself a "girl geek" or whatever, you're setting yourself up for adversity. You cannot call yourself a "girl geek" or anything similar without feeling that, somewhere out there in the world, someone is rolling their eyes at the term. We all know what the so-called "girl geeks" are. They're wannabes, they're phonies, and most of all, they are not REAL fans.
But I'm NOT a phony! I am a real fan! Fuck labels! Why do I need to differentiate myself from others by tacking the "girl" part in there? Why can't we all just be geeks or nerds or whatever we want together? But at the same time, why can't I call myself whatever I like? I'm a girl, who also happens to be fairly (read: extremely) geeky. If I want to call myself a "girl geek" or anything similar, I should be allowed to without fear of judgement from others.
This is the train of thought that keeps me torn. I want to distance myself from stereotypes, but at the same time, I want to be able to call myself whatever the hell I please. And while there are definitely living, breathing stereotypes of these types of girls out there (ex. grrl gamerz), and we've definitely all met them before, there are also boys who could be classified as wannabes, phonies, and less than die-hard fans.
I was raised by two parents who were into pretty much nothing that I'm into. They did a great job at nurturing my creativty and imagination by kicking me out of the house all day and letting me ramble about the woods with my siblings, but they did not expose me to pop culture, video games, comics and all that jazz. I had to discover these things on my own. That's why I did not play through my first video game until I was 18 (excluding the different variations of Pokemon that I and everyone else in my generation played as children). I didn't watch the right shows, or movies, so a lot of references are lost on me. I've never watched an entire episode of Doctor Who, because frankly, the years and years of already existing story is intimidating to catch up on. I've recently started playing Magic, but only because Max introduced me to it, and I am hyper-aware of the stereotype that exists of girls playing Magic only because their boyfriends got them into it. Yeah, Max is the big reason why I was exposed to the game, but I also think it's really cool.
I'm incredibly tired of people remarking how unusual it is for a girl to take part in the traditional male world of geekdom. I cannot wear a shirt with references to a game that I like without at least one person remarking on it. I have a beautiful Portal 2 shirt that I no longer wear to work because I'm tired of talking to people about it. An older couple once asked me what my shirt was of. I gave them a brief explanation ("A game I like called Portal), and then had to explain to them the concept of Portal. Have you ever had to do that? It's not as easy as one would think. They didn't even know what a portal was. And after I told them about it, I was rewarded with "Gee, it's so nice that they're making more games for girls these days." Sigh. They also added "Not like those horrible, violent shooting games. You don't play those, do you?" They looked pretty sure that I would agree with them that, yes, shooting games are horrible and violent, and no, I certainly do no play them. But:
"Oh, no, I do play them. A lot. And I'm really good at them." They were polite, but visibly disapproving.
This is trivial. This is an occurence that happens less than 10% of the time to me, and therefore should no matter. But it DOES matter. It matters to me! I'm tired of being belittled over the subject. And it's starting to get into my head. Recently, I did some investigating into the subject of larping. I knew what larping basically was (for the uninitated: LARP stands for Live Action Role-Playing), but never really knew what it was all about. I go (or went, rather) to school with a boy who said he did it quite frequently, then ran into him at Fan Expo in his larping outfit, and later had a conversation with another boy about it at work. So there it was, stuck in my head, and I did some reading.
So, it's probably like the coolest thing ever, right? RIGHT! I want to do this so badly! I'm dead serious. This looks like my kind of activity, 100%. I was daydreaming about how much fun I would have, the cool people I might meet, and how it looks like decent exercise to boot, and then...
But what would they think of me? Some random, stupid girl that wants to inflitrate their hobby? I wouldn't know anything to start off, and they would see me as some dumb poser.
Thanks for that, society. You did it. You conditioned me into thinking that I can't participate in something because people will judge me for my gender.
Anyone who knows me, knows that i'm not one to harp on about how women are still mistreated by society. Mostly, it doesn't effect me. But everytime one of those thoughts pops into my mind, and everytime a stranger tells me "What's that going to be like for a girl in a man's world?" in relation to my desire to make comics, it does effect me. And I don't like it.
So as I get more into Magic, more into comics, more into games, and cosplay, and movies and tv shows and hell, maybe even larping, I'm going to shrug off this mentality; that I can't be good enough for the things that I like because I'm a girl, and that geekdom is a boys-only club that requires me to prove myself before I join. i can do whatever I want and be good at it to boot, girl or not.
----
Sorry if I totally started to ramble towards the end there. Truth is my attention span is too small to handle long posts, and my interest wanes. But this was something I've been increasingly thinking about, so it needed to be said.
Also, +10 points if you saw the Fallout reference.
Hi, my name is Lisa, and I'm a girl nerd.
Or or nerd girl? Or geek girl? Or... or something? See, I'm even hesitant to name it, because the second you call yourself a "girl geek" or whatever, you're setting yourself up for adversity. You cannot call yourself a "girl geek" or anything similar without feeling that, somewhere out there in the world, someone is rolling their eyes at the term. We all know what the so-called "girl geeks" are. They're wannabes, they're phonies, and most of all, they are not REAL fans.
But I'm NOT a phony! I am a real fan! Fuck labels! Why do I need to differentiate myself from others by tacking the "girl" part in there? Why can't we all just be geeks or nerds or whatever we want together? But at the same time, why can't I call myself whatever I like? I'm a girl, who also happens to be fairly (read: extremely) geeky. If I want to call myself a "girl geek" or anything similar, I should be allowed to without fear of judgement from others.
This is the train of thought that keeps me torn. I want to distance myself from stereotypes, but at the same time, I want to be able to call myself whatever the hell I please. And while there are definitely living, breathing stereotypes of these types of girls out there (ex. grrl gamerz), and we've definitely all met them before, there are also boys who could be classified as wannabes, phonies, and less than die-hard fans.
I was raised by two parents who were into pretty much nothing that I'm into. They did a great job at nurturing my creativty and imagination by kicking me out of the house all day and letting me ramble about the woods with my siblings, but they did not expose me to pop culture, video games, comics and all that jazz. I had to discover these things on my own. That's why I did not play through my first video game until I was 18 (excluding the different variations of Pokemon that I and everyone else in my generation played as children). I didn't watch the right shows, or movies, so a lot of references are lost on me. I've never watched an entire episode of Doctor Who, because frankly, the years and years of already existing story is intimidating to catch up on. I've recently started playing Magic, but only because Max introduced me to it, and I am hyper-aware of the stereotype that exists of girls playing Magic only because their boyfriends got them into it. Yeah, Max is the big reason why I was exposed to the game, but I also think it's really cool.
I'm incredibly tired of people remarking how unusual it is for a girl to take part in the traditional male world of geekdom. I cannot wear a shirt with references to a game that I like without at least one person remarking on it. I have a beautiful Portal 2 shirt that I no longer wear to work because I'm tired of talking to people about it. An older couple once asked me what my shirt was of. I gave them a brief explanation ("A game I like called Portal), and then had to explain to them the concept of Portal. Have you ever had to do that? It's not as easy as one would think. They didn't even know what a portal was. And after I told them about it, I was rewarded with "Gee, it's so nice that they're making more games for girls these days." Sigh. They also added "Not like those horrible, violent shooting games. You don't play those, do you?" They looked pretty sure that I would agree with them that, yes, shooting games are horrible and violent, and no, I certainly do no play them. But:
"Oh, no, I do play them. A lot. And I'm really good at them." They were polite, but visibly disapproving.
This is trivial. This is an occurence that happens less than 10% of the time to me, and therefore should no matter. But it DOES matter. It matters to me! I'm tired of being belittled over the subject. And it's starting to get into my head. Recently, I did some investigating into the subject of larping. I knew what larping basically was (for the uninitated: LARP stands for Live Action Role-Playing), but never really knew what it was all about. I go (or went, rather) to school with a boy who said he did it quite frequently, then ran into him at Fan Expo in his larping outfit, and later had a conversation with another boy about it at work. So there it was, stuck in my head, and I did some reading.
So, it's probably like the coolest thing ever, right? RIGHT! I want to do this so badly! I'm dead serious. This looks like my kind of activity, 100%. I was daydreaming about how much fun I would have, the cool people I might meet, and how it looks like decent exercise to boot, and then...
But what would they think of me? Some random, stupid girl that wants to inflitrate their hobby? I wouldn't know anything to start off, and they would see me as some dumb poser.
Thanks for that, society. You did it. You conditioned me into thinking that I can't participate in something because people will judge me for my gender.
Anyone who knows me, knows that i'm not one to harp on about how women are still mistreated by society. Mostly, it doesn't effect me. But everytime one of those thoughts pops into my mind, and everytime a stranger tells me "What's that going to be like for a girl in a man's world?" in relation to my desire to make comics, it does effect me. And I don't like it.
So as I get more into Magic, more into comics, more into games, and cosplay, and movies and tv shows and hell, maybe even larping, I'm going to shrug off this mentality; that I can't be good enough for the things that I like because I'm a girl, and that geekdom is a boys-only club that requires me to prove myself before I join. i can do whatever I want and be good at it to boot, girl or not.
----
Sorry if I totally started to ramble towards the end there. Truth is my attention span is too small to handle long posts, and my interest wanes. But this was something I've been increasingly thinking about, so it needed to be said.
Also, +10 points if you saw the Fallout reference.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Art! Projects! Exciting!
For the first time in what feels like a million years, I actually hung out with my friends outside of school. Sarah, Chanel and I went and had a delicious sushi lunch, and then goofed off in Michael's for almost 2 hours. It was glorious.
I bought some excellent things (that I didn't really need, mind you), because now that school is over, I need to keep myself occupied with projects. I bought:
-a 5" x 7" linoleum block, which I'm going to use to make my own personal bookplate
-embroidery thread and a hoop, so I can embroider something pretty for someone's birthday, and experiment with the medium for future projects
-gouache! I know it can be tricky to work with, but it looks very beautiful, and all the cool illustrators are using it, so I guess I better give it a shot too
-tiny canvases, 2" x 2", because I'm a sucker for cute small things. I'm thinking mini portraits of Adventure Time characters for Rachel
I have so many things I want to do. I'm going to continue with printmaking, and Chanel and I are going to build ourselves exposure tables over the summer. I want to do an entire project on exploring how to make my own supplies and materials from local natural ingredients. Papers, inks, you name it, I'm going to try it out. I want to get a grant to help me travel around the coast and gather materials and make all this shit. I really want to make my own stamps! I want to get a table at a craft fair and sell my things and make mad dollars. I want to find a studio space with my friends and get cracking on all these great projects.
I want to get going with this art thing!
I bought some excellent things (that I didn't really need, mind you), because now that school is over, I need to keep myself occupied with projects. I bought:
-a 5" x 7" linoleum block, which I'm going to use to make my own personal bookplate
-embroidery thread and a hoop, so I can embroider something pretty for someone's birthday, and experiment with the medium for future projects
-gouache! I know it can be tricky to work with, but it looks very beautiful, and all the cool illustrators are using it, so I guess I better give it a shot too
-tiny canvases, 2" x 2", because I'm a sucker for cute small things. I'm thinking mini portraits of Adventure Time characters for Rachel
I have so many things I want to do. I'm going to continue with printmaking, and Chanel and I are going to build ourselves exposure tables over the summer. I want to do an entire project on exploring how to make my own supplies and materials from local natural ingredients. Papers, inks, you name it, I'm going to try it out. I want to get a grant to help me travel around the coast and gather materials and make all this shit. I really want to make my own stamps! I want to get a table at a craft fair and sell my things and make mad dollars. I want to find a studio space with my friends and get cracking on all these great projects.
I want to get going with this art thing!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
The Bird... Ressurected?!
Oh, hey! I bet you all thought I died, didn't you? Well, you would be wrong. I'm still like, super alive over here. The only reason I'm updating now is because... CLASSES ARE OVER! I did it! I finished my 2 year program. All that's left now is preparing for the grad show, and that is going to be a cake walk compared to the last 2 weeks. For example, yesterday, I was awake for 31 hours, then slept for 15.5 hours. I feel waay better, but it feels like the middle of the day already, and it's only 10am.
I can talk more about school later, so I will. In the meantime...
Max and I are moving out this summer! When exactly? Who knows! Where? Who knows! With what money? Who knows! But we're making it happen and it's very exciting.
Fan Expo is rolling around again, and I actually have a Pip-Boy to wear to it this year! Going to fix it all up and it's going to look totally awesome.
Tanis' friend, Christina, ended up being a massive cunt! Wow! Who knew that someone you liked so much could end up being such a worthless fucking bitch! Don't you love it when friends of one of your best friends ends up choosing the best friends emotionally and sexually abusive ex-boyfriend over hanging out with the best friend? Oh, right, NOBODY LOVES THAT! Good to know that your loyalty can be so easily bought, Christina, you actual sack of garbage! Yaaaaaaaay
We're having our year end barbeque at Stephen's house to celebrate on Friday. So much food, so many drinks, so many friends!
And now, off to work, and I'm actually not dreading it for once. Though I still feel awfully shakey from sleeping so much. I'm actually really looking forward to updating this blog again.
I can talk more about school later, so I will. In the meantime...
Max and I are moving out this summer! When exactly? Who knows! Where? Who knows! With what money? Who knows! But we're making it happen and it's very exciting.
Fan Expo is rolling around again, and I actually have a Pip-Boy to wear to it this year! Going to fix it all up and it's going to look totally awesome.
Tanis' friend, Christina, ended up being a massive cunt! Wow! Who knew that someone you liked so much could end up being such a worthless fucking bitch! Don't you love it when friends of one of your best friends ends up choosing the best friends emotionally and sexually abusive ex-boyfriend over hanging out with the best friend? Oh, right, NOBODY LOVES THAT! Good to know that your loyalty can be so easily bought, Christina, you actual sack of garbage! Yaaaaaaaay
We're having our year end barbeque at Stephen's house to celebrate on Friday. So much food, so many drinks, so many friends!
And now, off to work, and I'm actually not dreading it for once. Though I still feel awfully shakey from sleeping so much. I'm actually really looking forward to updating this blog again.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Art Jobs and School Worry
I am a bad, bad girl. No updates since October? But I do have to beg that you forgive me. School is a madhouse, all the time. I was really trying to give it my all this last semester, and boy, did it pay off.
Painting A-
Serigraphy A-
Art History A-
Drawing B+
Cult. Theory B
Feels fucking good, you guys. I really managed to buckle down this time, and still managed to get a reasonable amount of sleep every night! But that meant absolutely no video games at all, since September. It was actually hard to ignore my Xbox sometimes, but I did it. And this coming semester? It's going to be even better. Because this is it. My final semester.
I get a little overwhelmed with panic from time to time, because after school is over... then what? More school? Emily Carr? Should I go to grad school? What the fuck is grad school? How am I going to get a job? What art related jobs are there? Did I make a mistake with art school? But what else would I do?
These are the questions that haunt my every day.
When school is done in April, I will be seeking out a new job. I do like working at Famous Foods, but I don't want to fall into the trap of staying with a job that's easy. Sure, it would be super easy to just stay at Famous Foods for years. There are more than a few people at the store that have done that. One lady has been there for 20 years. Another girl, closer to my age, has been there for 7. There are more than that have have been there for too damn long, and I can't let myself become that. The thought of leaving what I know and getting a new job does scare me. I'm not a fan of big changes. I like things to be constant and easy. But I'll doom myself if I don't leave. So I'm giving myself a deadline, and telling everyone about it. That always motivates me, telling everyone about something I plan to do, because then I will have to face the ultimate shame of letting everyone down if I don't go through with it.
But where... Where are these art jobs? So far everything I've seen is way out of my reach. I'm just too under-qualified. I know what I want to find, kind of, but I don't know where to find it. What I would like is to have a job that pays decently, at least $14-15 an hour, has regular hours and will let me work full time, and will allow me to be in contact with art, somehow. But what does that even mean?! Where do you find jobs like these? It's all confusing and scary, and I'm just some dopey newbie artist who doesn't even have a proper portfolio yet.
I will be searching like crazy for something in the meantime (should I work at a gallery? Do they pay well?), and also preparing for this last semester. The 2nd year Art Show is in April, and I've got a lot of work to do to get my submissions for it ready. One last semester. Just one more. I can do it.
Painting A-
Serigraphy A-
Art History A-
Drawing B+
Cult. Theory B
Feels fucking good, you guys. I really managed to buckle down this time, and still managed to get a reasonable amount of sleep every night! But that meant absolutely no video games at all, since September. It was actually hard to ignore my Xbox sometimes, but I did it. And this coming semester? It's going to be even better. Because this is it. My final semester.
I get a little overwhelmed with panic from time to time, because after school is over... then what? More school? Emily Carr? Should I go to grad school? What the fuck is grad school? How am I going to get a job? What art related jobs are there? Did I make a mistake with art school? But what else would I do?
These are the questions that haunt my every day.
When school is done in April, I will be seeking out a new job. I do like working at Famous Foods, but I don't want to fall into the trap of staying with a job that's easy. Sure, it would be super easy to just stay at Famous Foods for years. There are more than a few people at the store that have done that. One lady has been there for 20 years. Another girl, closer to my age, has been there for 7. There are more than that have have been there for too damn long, and I can't let myself become that. The thought of leaving what I know and getting a new job does scare me. I'm not a fan of big changes. I like things to be constant and easy. But I'll doom myself if I don't leave. So I'm giving myself a deadline, and telling everyone about it. That always motivates me, telling everyone about something I plan to do, because then I will have to face the ultimate shame of letting everyone down if I don't go through with it.
But where... Where are these art jobs? So far everything I've seen is way out of my reach. I'm just too under-qualified. I know what I want to find, kind of, but I don't know where to find it. What I would like is to have a job that pays decently, at least $14-15 an hour, has regular hours and will let me work full time, and will allow me to be in contact with art, somehow. But what does that even mean?! Where do you find jobs like these? It's all confusing and scary, and I'm just some dopey newbie artist who doesn't even have a proper portfolio yet.
I will be searching like crazy for something in the meantime (should I work at a gallery? Do they pay well?), and also preparing for this last semester. The 2nd year Art Show is in April, and I've got a lot of work to do to get my submissions for it ready. One last semester. Just one more. I can do it.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Worrier
I'm a worrier. It's what I do. It's something I've always been good at, even as a child, which is probably really unhealthy, for a child to worry so much. But I was always worrying about something stupid or other. I used to worry a lot about moving. I don't know where the fear came from, but I started having bad dreams about moving away from my house. I wasn't even worried that we would leave the city and move to another one. Just that we would leave our house.
The worrying got greater and greater, especially in highschool, that I would regularly have to fight back panic. I began to worry about everything, chiefly being about being late. To combat this, I would show up everywhere upwards of one hour early, because hey, being early was better than being late.
It got worse and worse and worse... until I met Max. Now, Max is a man who worries about nothing. I'm not kidding. This is not an exaggeration. Max does not worry. I don't think I've ever seen anything phase him. He has an answer for everything, and goes about his life with a very cool demeanor. It's incredibly interesting, and most amazingly, it's started to rub off on me.
It's an awesome feeling, not to worry. I have a midterm tomorrow at 3:30, for History of Western Art II, and I am not worried. The way my teacher teaches is not from the textbook, but from her own notes. You have to take extensive notes while she's talking, which can be a pain, but it's actually pretty useful because everything is in your head then. You were listening to everything she said, and then writing it all down. So I know that I know everything, and I'll be okay. The Lisa of younger years would have been freaked right the fuck out now, but the Lisa that has been influenced by Max is one cool customer.
I don't know where I was going with this, haha, but I want to get into the habit of writing all the time. And hey! My friend Paul started a podcast! It's about all the things that I'm interested in (ie video games, internet stuff, card games, comics, etc), and you should listen to it if you also are interested in those things.
The worrying got greater and greater, especially in highschool, that I would regularly have to fight back panic. I began to worry about everything, chiefly being about being late. To combat this, I would show up everywhere upwards of one hour early, because hey, being early was better than being late.
It got worse and worse and worse... until I met Max. Now, Max is a man who worries about nothing. I'm not kidding. This is not an exaggeration. Max does not worry. I don't think I've ever seen anything phase him. He has an answer for everything, and goes about his life with a very cool demeanor. It's incredibly interesting, and most amazingly, it's started to rub off on me.
It's an awesome feeling, not to worry. I have a midterm tomorrow at 3:30, for History of Western Art II, and I am not worried. The way my teacher teaches is not from the textbook, but from her own notes. You have to take extensive notes while she's talking, which can be a pain, but it's actually pretty useful because everything is in your head then. You were listening to everything she said, and then writing it all down. So I know that I know everything, and I'll be okay. The Lisa of younger years would have been freaked right the fuck out now, but the Lisa that has been influenced by Max is one cool customer.
I don't know where I was going with this, haha, but I want to get into the habit of writing all the time. And hey! My friend Paul started a podcast! It's about all the things that I'm interested in (ie video games, internet stuff, card games, comics, etc), and you should listen to it if you also are interested in those things.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Millenia
You know what makes me really sad? People who don't believe in Evolution. Sure, they make me pretty mad too, because COME ON, guys. Covering your ears and shouting "LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOUUU" will only get you so far in life. But mostly they make me sad. Why?
This is a pikaia. It is one of the earliest chordates to have existed, roughly 500 million years ago. Posessing a notochord (aw yeah, I still remember my grade 11 biology), it is a distant ancestor of humans, since we belong to the phylum Chordata as well.
Isn't that amazing? A long, long, incredibly long time ago, that was us. Just a dumb looking worm swimming about in the ocean. Personally, I find this incredibly beautiful. Not the worm, he's kind of gross, but the entire process. I love sitting back and thinking about the transition that life has made of all these millenia.It's exciting, especially to think of where everything will be going in the future.
I think that some people tend to feel belittled or insignificant in the face of such enormity, and choose to ignore it in favour of "grander" theories, like Creation. But how can all this progress not be grand?! How can people not see the beauty in this slow transformation that we all get to be a part of? I am constantly humbled, and then proud and puffed up. I worry that people don't value themselves the way they should sometimes, and the vastness of life before, life now and life to come makes them feel unimportant. It's a sad attitude to adopt. I know I have some very blunt attitudes myself towards things like this (we are just a speck in the universe, etc), but in more positive moods, I can recognize that we are all valuable stepping stones in life, in evolution.
My absolute favourite fact about the universe came to me through Neil deGrasse Tyson. It's a popular video, so you may have seen it before, but I can never get tired of watching it.
I just want people, all people, to be able to look at the world, at the universe, at life, and be able to feel what I feel whenever I think about these things. It's a great feeling.
Whoo! It's been a long time since I wrote here! I've just been so busy with school. In fact, I really should have been doing about three different things instead of writing this post, but this was more fun. More again soon! I have a bone to pick with philosophy, and you'll hear aaaall about it.
This is a pikaia. It is one of the earliest chordates to have existed, roughly 500 million years ago. Posessing a notochord (aw yeah, I still remember my grade 11 biology), it is a distant ancestor of humans, since we belong to the phylum Chordata as well.
Isn't that amazing? A long, long, incredibly long time ago, that was us. Just a dumb looking worm swimming about in the ocean. Personally, I find this incredibly beautiful. Not the worm, he's kind of gross, but the entire process. I love sitting back and thinking about the transition that life has made of all these millenia.It's exciting, especially to think of where everything will be going in the future.
I think that some people tend to feel belittled or insignificant in the face of such enormity, and choose to ignore it in favour of "grander" theories, like Creation. But how can all this progress not be grand?! How can people not see the beauty in this slow transformation that we all get to be a part of? I am constantly humbled, and then proud and puffed up. I worry that people don't value themselves the way they should sometimes, and the vastness of life before, life now and life to come makes them feel unimportant. It's a sad attitude to adopt. I know I have some very blunt attitudes myself towards things like this (we are just a speck in the universe, etc), but in more positive moods, I can recognize that we are all valuable stepping stones in life, in evolution.
My absolute favourite fact about the universe came to me through Neil deGrasse Tyson. It's a popular video, so you may have seen it before, but I can never get tired of watching it.
I just want people, all people, to be able to look at the world, at the universe, at life, and be able to feel what I feel whenever I think about these things. It's a great feeling.
Whoo! It's been a long time since I wrote here! I've just been so busy with school. In fact, I really should have been doing about three different things instead of writing this post, but this was more fun. More again soon! I have a bone to pick with philosophy, and you'll hear aaaall about it.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
You Are Nothing What You Seem
Drawing again: Feels good. I can see how much better I've gotten. Onward to glory!
This song: Amazing amazing, though your version is still my favourite, Christina.
Time to go to bed now because I have work at 8am: Bleh. My dad thinks that we should have 36 hour days. While this is obviously impossible, I can certainly see the benefit. So much to do, and there's never enough time.
This song: Amazing amazing, though your version is still my favourite, Christina.
Time to go to bed now because I have work at 8am: Bleh. My dad thinks that we should have 36 hour days. While this is obviously impossible, I can certainly see the benefit. So much to do, and there's never enough time.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
There's Always That
Well, I've once again spent the entire day sitting in front of my computer. It normally feels satisfying, but today seemed kind of lackluster. The saddest part is that I am honestly too shy to call up my own friends and see what they're doing.
Self loathing engaged? Self loathing engaged!
At least I drew some cool pictures today.There's always that.
Self loathing engaged? Self loathing engaged!
At least I drew some cool pictures today.There's always that.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Maybe You Will Say You Love Me Now
Here's a silly old poem I wrote a long time ago:
Haha, oh dear. I used to make up things like these all the time. I don't write as much as I used to, which is really a shame. But I will let you in on a secret. I... I have been writing a fan fiction. Go ahead! Mock me! See if I care! I'm really enjoying it, actually. I started it about a year or two ago, and just rememebered about it recently, so here wo go again. I want to get the whole thing written out before I publish it on FanFiction.
So maybe you want to know what it's about? You could probably guess, if you knew me well enough. It is about Fallout (more specifically, Fallout: New Vegas). My love for this game knows no end. Have you ever written a fan fiction before, or anything similar? It's actually really fun! There are some spectacular ones out there that I've read, especially when they have all their facts right. It's a great writing exercise too, for any wannabe-writers out there.
Not too much going on recently. I've been drawing more, and come up with another comic idea that may be a keeper. But as usual, I'm afraid to get it started because I hate how I eventually lose interest in everything and stop before it goes anywhere good. I like this idea though, so maybe I'll actually get it done. We'll see.
Alright, I'm kind of procrastinating right now. I should be cleaning and packing a bag, because my family is going camping on Galiano Island tomorrow for the weekend. But there's so much internet to see! So much writing to get done! So much music to listen to! So many videos to watch!
PS. have you ever listened to Darwin Deez? I finally bought one of his albums after listening to him on Youtube forever, and discovered this total gem. Not only is it a beautiful song, but it totally reminds me of Fallout. Nuclear apocalypse references? Yes please!
I'm not anti-girl, I'm anti-bitch
I'm not anti-truth, I'm anti-snitch
I'm not anti-faith, I'm anti-stupid
I'm not anti-love, I'm anti-cupid.
Haha, oh dear. I used to make up things like these all the time. I don't write as much as I used to, which is really a shame. But I will let you in on a secret. I... I have been writing a fan fiction. Go ahead! Mock me! See if I care! I'm really enjoying it, actually. I started it about a year or two ago, and just rememebered about it recently, so here wo go again. I want to get the whole thing written out before I publish it on FanFiction.
So maybe you want to know what it's about? You could probably guess, if you knew me well enough. It is about Fallout (more specifically, Fallout: New Vegas). My love for this game knows no end. Have you ever written a fan fiction before, or anything similar? It's actually really fun! There are some spectacular ones out there that I've read, especially when they have all their facts right. It's a great writing exercise too, for any wannabe-writers out there.
Not too much going on recently. I've been drawing more, and come up with another comic idea that may be a keeper. But as usual, I'm afraid to get it started because I hate how I eventually lose interest in everything and stop before it goes anywhere good. I like this idea though, so maybe I'll actually get it done. We'll see.
Alright, I'm kind of procrastinating right now. I should be cleaning and packing a bag, because my family is going camping on Galiano Island tomorrow for the weekend. But there's so much internet to see! So much writing to get done! So much music to listen to! So many videos to watch!
PS. have you ever listened to Darwin Deez? I finally bought one of his albums after listening to him on Youtube forever, and discovered this total gem. Not only is it a beautiful song, but it totally reminds me of Fallout. Nuclear apocalypse references? Yes please!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Who's That Girl?
Stupid girl. Where are all your blog posts? Where's the fame, the glory? Where's your insight?
Stop stalling, girl, and get your shit together. Get writing, get drawing, get out there. Come on.
Be back soon, you guys.
Stop stalling, girl, and get your shit together. Get writing, get drawing, get out there. Come on.
Be back soon, you guys.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Persistent Thoughts
This dark mood persists.
I'm just sitting here, brooding. Will I ever grow out of this bullshit? The week-long self-loathing benders, specifically. Do you just wake up one day, and never again think of yourself as a useless, talentless, futureless, hopeless, plain, fat sack of guts?
Most of the time I really do like myself, but more and more frequently I just keep coming back to this shadowy corner of my mind and stay there for awhile. I know this sounds super needy, but I constantly need reassurance from other people that I'm better than the way I think of myself, and I HATE it. I hate that I have to hear it from other people and sound like an attention whore, and I hate that I can't tell myself these things when I'm having anything less than a great day. I need to hear that I'm funny and smart and pretty and talented, and that need makes me feel low.
My birthday's coming up next week, on the 29th, and I don't even care. I'm not going to do anything fun (well, I will hang out with Max all day, so that's fun), but I wish I was normal enough to do something cool for my birthday. Like have a party. Or go to a bar. Or dancing. But I can't, because even when I do go to places like that, I become so consumed with anxiety that it sucks all the joy out of everything.
I've got very conflicting views. Most of the time I want to stand out, and rise above average, but now I seem to be gravitating more towards this desire to be normal. What went wrong? Why did I stay awkward and weird while everyone else graduated to normal? Rachel's normal. Fuck, even Peter is normal. Why am I the only affected sibling?
This is a very shallow thought, but I know if I lost 20lbs I could love myself all the time. Because even if I grow up talentless and futureless, at least I'll be skinny. As I type this, I can feel decades of feminists shaking their heads at me. Well, fuck them. It would just be nice, okay?
Maybe I'll feel better after a couple hours of sleep.
I'm just sitting here, brooding. Will I ever grow out of this bullshit? The week-long self-loathing benders, specifically. Do you just wake up one day, and never again think of yourself as a useless, talentless, futureless, hopeless, plain, fat sack of guts?
Most of the time I really do like myself, but more and more frequently I just keep coming back to this shadowy corner of my mind and stay there for awhile. I know this sounds super needy, but I constantly need reassurance from other people that I'm better than the way I think of myself, and I HATE it. I hate that I have to hear it from other people and sound like an attention whore, and I hate that I can't tell myself these things when I'm having anything less than a great day. I need to hear that I'm funny and smart and pretty and talented, and that need makes me feel low.
My birthday's coming up next week, on the 29th, and I don't even care. I'm not going to do anything fun (well, I will hang out with Max all day, so that's fun), but I wish I was normal enough to do something cool for my birthday. Like have a party. Or go to a bar. Or dancing. But I can't, because even when I do go to places like that, I become so consumed with anxiety that it sucks all the joy out of everything.
I've got very conflicting views. Most of the time I want to stand out, and rise above average, but now I seem to be gravitating more towards this desire to be normal. What went wrong? Why did I stay awkward and weird while everyone else graduated to normal? Rachel's normal. Fuck, even Peter is normal. Why am I the only affected sibling?
This is a very shallow thought, but I know if I lost 20lbs I could love myself all the time. Because even if I grow up talentless and futureless, at least I'll be skinny. As I type this, I can feel decades of feminists shaking their heads at me. Well, fuck them. It would just be nice, okay?
Maybe I'll feel better after a couple hours of sleep.
Monday, June 18, 2012
A Dark Mood
Sometimes I let myself get into these very dark moods. Something
mundane always sets it off. A song. A passage in a book. An anxious
thought. It sweeps up on me and then I am overcome and it is too late to
get out.
Today it was a song called A Penny at a Time, and the chapter in the first of the Anne of Green Gables series. Now I'm sitting here critically looking out over the mountains, the charm of the day gone. I think about my Art History final on Thursday, that I've prepared little for. If I fail, I won't be able to go back to my Fine Arts program in the fall and be with my lovely friends. I should have bought the textbook for that class, but it was $80 and while I suppose I could have afforded it, I didn't want to struggle with the resutling broke-ness that would follow. I don't know what failing will do to me. I just love going to school so much. Really, I don't truly think I'll fail, because I've been to every class and took extensive notes, and I have a knack for pulling through in situations like that, but there's a little dark fear that's constantly shadowing me.
These dark moods always make me think about Yasaman. It's not been quite a year and a half, but she's still always on the edge of my thoughts. Not as sad as before, not as bitter, but still there. She makes me think about my own future death. I know this sounds odd, but it's funny to think that we'll all die some day, isn't it? It's something we try very hard to ignore. However, I think I can comfortably state that I am not afraid of death. The dying part is unnerving, to be concious that you're in the midst of your final minutes. But the death part isn't terrifying to me. You won't be aware of it anyway, so what's to be scared about? Actually, what comforts me the most is how incredibly mundane death and dying is. It's just a process that has been happening for a millenia, and will continue to keep happening after.
What's really important to me aboutmy own death is the way my body is dealt with. Now, as anyone could tell by reading this blog, I am a staunch atheist, so no heaven for me, and even if there is, I don't want to go. Ever since I read about eco-friendly burials, it's been what I've wanted. The whole point is that you will eventually erode within the earth, and become dirt. I think it's wonderful. The way burials happen today pretty much just doom your corpse to become toxic sludge in a cement-lined casket, and that to me is a more abhorrent thought than Hell any day.
As for the envirmonental aspects of this, I'm going to confess that I really couldn't care about that. It's nice that they're so harmless, but that wasn't the selling point for me. I just feel that it's really important for me to "return to the earth". That will be my rebirth. Before, my only worry was the availability of cemeteries that would allow something like this. I know they have special "green" cemeteries scattered around the country, but I worried that they were too far and few between. I don't want to be buried somewhere too far away from those left behind, and I don't think I could bear to be buried anywhere but my Vancouver. Turns out though that Mountain View Cemetery, just over on Fraser Street, is a "hybrid cemetery", meaning as well as conventional burials, they also allow eco-friendly ones. I would have prefered the one closer to the house that I grew up in, Ocean View (I'm sensing a theme here), but I read an article that says more and more cemeteries are beginning to allow the practice, and I don't plan on dying for a very long time, so maybe it will be available to me when I get there.
Morbid food for thought, huh? It just strikes me as a perfectly normal thing to talk about and think about, though. I told Max already, that if I suddenly died, that was the way I wanted to be buried and that he had to make sure my wishes were carried out. I don't think he likes talking about this sort of thing though. Unsurprisingly, not many people do. Oh well.
I feel much better now, though still worried about the exam. Why am I such a dunce? Why can't I ever learn to not leave things to the last minute? Maybe one day I'll grow up for real and be over that.
A Penny at a Time - Matthew Hubert
Today it was a song called A Penny at a Time, and the chapter in the first of the Anne of Green Gables series. Now I'm sitting here critically looking out over the mountains, the charm of the day gone. I think about my Art History final on Thursday, that I've prepared little for. If I fail, I won't be able to go back to my Fine Arts program in the fall and be with my lovely friends. I should have bought the textbook for that class, but it was $80 and while I suppose I could have afforded it, I didn't want to struggle with the resutling broke-ness that would follow. I don't know what failing will do to me. I just love going to school so much. Really, I don't truly think I'll fail, because I've been to every class and took extensive notes, and I have a knack for pulling through in situations like that, but there's a little dark fear that's constantly shadowing me.
These dark moods always make me think about Yasaman. It's not been quite a year and a half, but she's still always on the edge of my thoughts. Not as sad as before, not as bitter, but still there. She makes me think about my own future death. I know this sounds odd, but it's funny to think that we'll all die some day, isn't it? It's something we try very hard to ignore. However, I think I can comfortably state that I am not afraid of death. The dying part is unnerving, to be concious that you're in the midst of your final minutes. But the death part isn't terrifying to me. You won't be aware of it anyway, so what's to be scared about? Actually, what comforts me the most is how incredibly mundane death and dying is. It's just a process that has been happening for a millenia, and will continue to keep happening after.
What's really important to me aboutmy own death is the way my body is dealt with. Now, as anyone could tell by reading this blog, I am a staunch atheist, so no heaven for me, and even if there is, I don't want to go. Ever since I read about eco-friendly burials, it's been what I've wanted. The whole point is that you will eventually erode within the earth, and become dirt. I think it's wonderful. The way burials happen today pretty much just doom your corpse to become toxic sludge in a cement-lined casket, and that to me is a more abhorrent thought than Hell any day.
As for the envirmonental aspects of this, I'm going to confess that I really couldn't care about that. It's nice that they're so harmless, but that wasn't the selling point for me. I just feel that it's really important for me to "return to the earth". That will be my rebirth. Before, my only worry was the availability of cemeteries that would allow something like this. I know they have special "green" cemeteries scattered around the country, but I worried that they were too far and few between. I don't want to be buried somewhere too far away from those left behind, and I don't think I could bear to be buried anywhere but my Vancouver. Turns out though that Mountain View Cemetery, just over on Fraser Street, is a "hybrid cemetery", meaning as well as conventional burials, they also allow eco-friendly ones. I would have prefered the one closer to the house that I grew up in, Ocean View (I'm sensing a theme here), but I read an article that says more and more cemeteries are beginning to allow the practice, and I don't plan on dying for a very long time, so maybe it will be available to me when I get there.
Morbid food for thought, huh? It just strikes me as a perfectly normal thing to talk about and think about, though. I told Max already, that if I suddenly died, that was the way I wanted to be buried and that he had to make sure my wishes were carried out. I don't think he likes talking about this sort of thing though. Unsurprisingly, not many people do. Oh well.
I feel much better now, though still worried about the exam. Why am I such a dunce? Why can't I ever learn to not leave things to the last minute? Maybe one day I'll grow up for real and be over that.
A Penny at a Time - Matthew Hubert
Thursday, May 31, 2012
LA Recap and Most Glorious Minecraft
Alright, so I've done it. I had a lovely vacation with Max in LA. Did I seen the sights? Did I mingle with the people and feel the heartbeat of the city?
Nah.
I don't want to go into great detail about the whole thing, but it was a really fun trip. Didn't see too many major things, except for Grauman's Chinese Theatre, and all the celebrity cement handprints, which was really cool. The total highlights of that was getting to touch the ones made by the Marx Brothers and John Wayne. Sounds lame, but it did give me shivers. While we were in Anaheim, I didn't get to go to Disneyland because it cost too much money, and Max was judging the Anaheim MTG Grand Prix, so I mostly hung out by myself and played a lot of Minecraft. I did get to meet all of this judge friends, and they were all really nice people! I've heard so much about all of them from Max that I felt like I already knew them. I just wish I hadn't been so fucking shy. See, sometimes I so outspoken that it's kind of ridiculous, but others times I just clam up and become a bundle of anxiety. It was cool to see Max working too, because you can see how much he cares about running a good event. Also, he looks handsome in his judge shirt.
I've actually kind of caved to the idea of learning how to play Magic. The only reason I've resisted for so long is because I really hate looking bad at things, and it seems like there are a lot of complicated rules to Magic. I didn't want to look like that typical girl, who's only playing because her boyfriend does. Magic is also Max's thing, and I didn't want him to feel like I was smothering him at all. But seeing the Grand Prix made it look like a lot of fun, so I'm going to give it a go. I know Max is probably overjoyed that I've finally given in after 5 years.
So all of that was fun, but really, the greatest part of the vacation was 5 consecutive days with Max. And the second greatest part was the Hilton hotel we stayed at in Anaheim. I wanted to pull some Ocean's 11 shit and steal that bed. It was just about the greatest thing I've ever slept in.
Now I'm back, and real life creeps in once again. I got fucked over with my taxes, and the bastards said I've been "disallowed" for my Working Income Tax Benefit. That was going to be almost $800 that I could have used to pay for school in September! And they gave it to me every other year, so I don't see what the problem was. They didn't even tell me why I was disallowed, only that I should refer to lines 323 and 5658 of my tax package. So there's that hardship, but it's not really the end of the world. I'll just have to work even harder this summer to save up enough money for it. I'm not too worried, it's just that that money would have made everything a little bit easier.
You may have noticed that I mentioned Minecraft up there. I will readily admit that I am seriously obsessed with playing. It's kind of bad because I'm getting absolutely nothing done, but it's great because... because Minecraft. What's that? You don't play Minecraft? Well you fucking should. I could go on and on about the most sick mountain fortress I've created, and the journey I'm about to go on to find an NPC village so I can steal all of their things, but not tonight. It's already very late, and I've got some crafting to do, and some supplies to gather. And you know, sleep and all that good stuff.
I'll just leave this here.
Nah.
I don't want to go into great detail about the whole thing, but it was a really fun trip. Didn't see too many major things, except for Grauman's Chinese Theatre, and all the celebrity cement handprints, which was really cool. The total highlights of that was getting to touch the ones made by the Marx Brothers and John Wayne. Sounds lame, but it did give me shivers. While we were in Anaheim, I didn't get to go to Disneyland because it cost too much money, and Max was judging the Anaheim MTG Grand Prix, so I mostly hung out by myself and played a lot of Minecraft. I did get to meet all of this judge friends, and they were all really nice people! I've heard so much about all of them from Max that I felt like I already knew them. I just wish I hadn't been so fucking shy. See, sometimes I so outspoken that it's kind of ridiculous, but others times I just clam up and become a bundle of anxiety. It was cool to see Max working too, because you can see how much he cares about running a good event. Also, he looks handsome in his judge shirt.
I've actually kind of caved to the idea of learning how to play Magic. The only reason I've resisted for so long is because I really hate looking bad at things, and it seems like there are a lot of complicated rules to Magic. I didn't want to look like that typical girl, who's only playing because her boyfriend does. Magic is also Max's thing, and I didn't want him to feel like I was smothering him at all. But seeing the Grand Prix made it look like a lot of fun, so I'm going to give it a go. I know Max is probably overjoyed that I've finally given in after 5 years.
So all of that was fun, but really, the greatest part of the vacation was 5 consecutive days with Max. And the second greatest part was the Hilton hotel we stayed at in Anaheim. I wanted to pull some Ocean's 11 shit and steal that bed. It was just about the greatest thing I've ever slept in.
Now I'm back, and real life creeps in once again. I got fucked over with my taxes, and the bastards said I've been "disallowed" for my Working Income Tax Benefit. That was going to be almost $800 that I could have used to pay for school in September! And they gave it to me every other year, so I don't see what the problem was. They didn't even tell me why I was disallowed, only that I should refer to lines 323 and 5658 of my tax package. So there's that hardship, but it's not really the end of the world. I'll just have to work even harder this summer to save up enough money for it. I'm not too worried, it's just that that money would have made everything a little bit easier.
You may have noticed that I mentioned Minecraft up there. I will readily admit that I am seriously obsessed with playing. It's kind of bad because I'm getting absolutely nothing done, but it's great because... because Minecraft. What's that? You don't play Minecraft? Well you fucking should. I could go on and on about the most sick mountain fortress I've created, and the journey I'm about to go on to find an NPC village so I can steal all of their things, but not tonight. It's already very late, and I've got some crafting to do, and some supplies to gather. And you know, sleep and all that good stuff.
I'll just leave this here.
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