Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Me Days
This I'm-trying-really-hard-not-to-think-about-Max update is brought to you by Depression and Amanda-says-it's-good-for-'personal-growth'!
While I was busy sitting at home on my laptop (literally?!) I decided to check out My Life Is Average. No particularly interesting ones today. Except there was this one:
"Today, my dad was feeling down because he got laid off. I showed my dad MyLifeIsAverage.com. He didn't get the stories. I then showed him MyLifeIsTwilight.com. He laughed, fell out of his chair, and raised my allowance. He thought it was the stupidest thing he had ever read. MLIA"
I thought this was some kind of sick, awful joke. No fucking way there was a site like this, no way in hell. This horrible Twilight obsession that is rampant right now is so annoying. It's not even good writing! So, I had to see for myself. Sadly, it's real.
You thought YOU were pathetic? Get a load of this shit, seriously.
"Today, I told my History teacher that I was a vampire and I had eaten seven humans over the weekend. I am no longer her favourite, just the weirdo who sits in the corner. MLIT!"
"Today I made out with my large sybarian husky because he reminded me of Jacob. MLIT"
"As of now, I have 4 days til I get on my Greyhound. Destination? FORKS! I'm moving there. Seriously. My apartment's already set up. I have a job at a Twilight tourist shop. I love my life! MLIT."
And now, perhaps the saddest one of all:
"I have a life-sized cardboard cutout of Edward in my room. When I saw New Moon again I bought an extra ticket and had Edward sit next to me. Best date ever. MLIT.
Just... just stop. There are no vampires or werewolves out there, and if there are, they are not sexy. Not even a little. I want you all to know this and stop pretending that Twilight is real, alright?
EDIT: I stand corrected. Here is the saddest one of all:
"Today, I realized Im pretty much going to fail the IB because I cant stop reading the Twilight Saga over and over again. Its totally worth it. Who cares about Anna Karenina when you can read about Edward and Bella? MLIT"
Holy fuck, I felt something inside me shrivel up and die. Who cares about Anna Karenina when you can read about fucking Edward and Bella? Holy fuck. That's like saying who gives a shit about Shakespeare when you could read the stunning literary gems of Stephanie Meyer. Because screw the legacy Billy left the world. I want some more teenage sexual tension.
And that's pretty much all that's going on today. I'm supposed to be going out to dinner with Carla and Cerina tonight, but I'm really not feeling it. Plus, it is windy and cold as shit, and if I go out I'm going to have to wear a dress, and I am not in the mood to be cold today. And I switched shifts with Karina, so tomorrow I'm working 8 to 2, so going out and having dinner late seems like a bad idea. And, to be honest, I'm still feeling pretty lousy and bummed out about everything, and I think I need a Me Day. I still have a lot to think about. Also, I have nothing nice to wear out.
Just trying not to think too hard about everything. I feel like I've moved out of the depressed stage, and am on to acceptance. Actually, I seriously did go through the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). I hope I'll be okay from now on. I do still feel sad, but that's normal I guess.
It's like, I feel like I want to get back together with Max, but would that feeling last? My mum did this thing, where she broke up and then got back together with the same guy like, 5 times. I think she just gave in to how sad and lonely it all was, and couldn't deal, so she kept going back. As much as I didn't like him, I felt really bad for him, and I do not want to make Max feel like that at all. Also, I can't tell if I actually want to be with him again, or if I'm just lonely.
Travis said that there should be some kind of Relationship Funeral. Because it's like, after you end a relationship, then what? It still feels like everything is the same most of the time. How are you supposed to just end something like 3 fucking years of loving someone just like that, and go about with your life like everything is the same? There should be some kind of funeral, so you can recognize that it's over and be able to properly move on. Because there's always those times, like when you first wake up after dreaming about him, where you forget what happened. And the realization always makes me feel sick and sad. So is that a sign?
Augh, Max, I need to talk to you. But you said you'd come and find me when you were ready, so I'm respecting that and waiting. You're so sensible, I know that I'll be able to work something out if we talk.
Well, so much for getting my mind off of Max. Now I just miss him again.
While I was busy sitting at home on my laptop (literally?!) I decided to check out My Life Is Average. No particularly interesting ones today. Except there was this one:
"Today, my dad was feeling down because he got laid off. I showed my dad MyLifeIsAverage.com. He didn't get the stories. I then showed him MyLifeIsTwilight.com. He laughed, fell out of his chair, and raised my allowance. He thought it was the stupidest thing he had ever read. MLIA"
I thought this was some kind of sick, awful joke. No fucking way there was a site like this, no way in hell. This horrible Twilight obsession that is rampant right now is so annoying. It's not even good writing! So, I had to see for myself. Sadly, it's real.
You thought YOU were pathetic? Get a load of this shit, seriously.
"Today, I told my History teacher that I was a vampire and I had eaten seven humans over the weekend. I am no longer her favourite, just the weirdo who sits in the corner. MLIT!"
"Today I made out with my large sybarian husky because he reminded me of Jacob. MLIT"
"As of now, I have 4 days til I get on my Greyhound. Destination? FORKS! I'm moving there. Seriously. My apartment's already set up. I have a job at a Twilight tourist shop. I love my life! MLIT."
And now, perhaps the saddest one of all:
"I have a life-sized cardboard cutout of Edward in my room. When I saw New Moon again I bought an extra ticket and had Edward sit next to me. Best date ever. MLIT.
Just... just stop. There are no vampires or werewolves out there, and if there are, they are not sexy. Not even a little. I want you all to know this and stop pretending that Twilight is real, alright?
EDIT: I stand corrected. Here is the saddest one of all:
"Today, I realized Im pretty much going to fail the IB because I cant stop reading the Twilight Saga over and over again. Its totally worth it. Who cares about Anna Karenina when you can read about Edward and Bella? MLIT"
Holy fuck, I felt something inside me shrivel up and die. Who cares about Anna Karenina when you can read about fucking Edward and Bella? Holy fuck. That's like saying who gives a shit about Shakespeare when you could read the stunning literary gems of Stephanie Meyer. Because screw the legacy Billy left the world. I want some more teenage sexual tension.
And that's pretty much all that's going on today. I'm supposed to be going out to dinner with Carla and Cerina tonight, but I'm really not feeling it. Plus, it is windy and cold as shit, and if I go out I'm going to have to wear a dress, and I am not in the mood to be cold today. And I switched shifts with Karina, so tomorrow I'm working 8 to 2, so going out and having dinner late seems like a bad idea. And, to be honest, I'm still feeling pretty lousy and bummed out about everything, and I think I need a Me Day. I still have a lot to think about. Also, I have nothing nice to wear out.
Just trying not to think too hard about everything. I feel like I've moved out of the depressed stage, and am on to acceptance. Actually, I seriously did go through the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). I hope I'll be okay from now on. I do still feel sad, but that's normal I guess.
It's like, I feel like I want to get back together with Max, but would that feeling last? My mum did this thing, where she broke up and then got back together with the same guy like, 5 times. I think she just gave in to how sad and lonely it all was, and couldn't deal, so she kept going back. As much as I didn't like him, I felt really bad for him, and I do not want to make Max feel like that at all. Also, I can't tell if I actually want to be with him again, or if I'm just lonely.
Travis said that there should be some kind of Relationship Funeral. Because it's like, after you end a relationship, then what? It still feels like everything is the same most of the time. How are you supposed to just end something like 3 fucking years of loving someone just like that, and go about with your life like everything is the same? There should be some kind of funeral, so you can recognize that it's over and be able to properly move on. Because there's always those times, like when you first wake up after dreaming about him, where you forget what happened. And the realization always makes me feel sick and sad. So is that a sign?
Augh, Max, I need to talk to you. But you said you'd come and find me when you were ready, so I'm respecting that and waiting. You're so sensible, I know that I'll be able to work something out if we talk.
Well, so much for getting my mind off of Max. Now I just miss him again.
Second Guessing My Second Thoughts
Maybe I did make the right decision after all, no matter how much it hurts.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Stupid, Impulsive Bird
Tonight is going to be a night for meditation.
I have already thought long and hard about this, and I'm really having second thoughts about my decision. Shit, I had second thoughts about it when I was telling Max. But I come from an impulsive mother, and the minute we get an idea into our heads, that's it. No thinking ahead, just going for it.
So, I'm going to have a nice shower, because my stupid bus was 15 minutes late and it is FREEZING outside. Then, I'm going to make a healthy dinner of brussel sprouts in black bean sauce and basmati rice with mushrooms and onions, with coconut yogurt for a snack. And then I am going to stay up, potentially all night, and think very, very hard.
People have told me that I'm only thinking about getting back together with Max because I'm lonely. I have taken this into account, don't worry. They tell me that, sure, you can make as many mistakes as you want, but remember that people are fragile; you can't just go yanking their hearts around whenever you feel like it. Don't fret, I've thought about this too. I've thought about so much in the past days, like what I could have done instead, and what a big fucking idiot I am. Already, Rachel told me that I'm stupid.
I have to do whatever feels right. But that is incredibly hard for me to figure out, because I always second guess myself. Like, what if Max and I DO get back together. But along the line we realize that this isn't what we wanted, so we have to do this whole dance all over again. Also, what if Max doesn't want to get back together again. Well, I suppose there's nothing I can do about that then, so... Argh, life is so frustrating.
Well, I'm going to go and begin the meditation. I hope I have a clear answer soon.
Chiara said that dreams have truth in them. If you dream about how happy you are being with someone every night, that's a sign, right?
I have already thought long and hard about this, and I'm really having second thoughts about my decision. Shit, I had second thoughts about it when I was telling Max. But I come from an impulsive mother, and the minute we get an idea into our heads, that's it. No thinking ahead, just going for it.
So, I'm going to have a nice shower, because my stupid bus was 15 minutes late and it is FREEZING outside. Then, I'm going to make a healthy dinner of brussel sprouts in black bean sauce and basmati rice with mushrooms and onions, with coconut yogurt for a snack. And then I am going to stay up, potentially all night, and think very, very hard.
People have told me that I'm only thinking about getting back together with Max because I'm lonely. I have taken this into account, don't worry. They tell me that, sure, you can make as many mistakes as you want, but remember that people are fragile; you can't just go yanking their hearts around whenever you feel like it. Don't fret, I've thought about this too. I've thought about so much in the past days, like what I could have done instead, and what a big fucking idiot I am. Already, Rachel told me that I'm stupid.
I have to do whatever feels right. But that is incredibly hard for me to figure out, because I always second guess myself. Like, what if Max and I DO get back together. But along the line we realize that this isn't what we wanted, so we have to do this whole dance all over again. Also, what if Max doesn't want to get back together again. Well, I suppose there's nothing I can do about that then, so... Argh, life is so frustrating.
Well, I'm going to go and begin the meditation. I hope I have a clear answer soon.
Chiara said that dreams have truth in them. If you dream about how happy you are being with someone every night, that's a sign, right?
April Fools
Christ, another dream. Took me 20 minutes after waking up today to remember that things are different now. April Fools?
I was washing dishes, and Max was there. Forgave me, again. Kissed my neck. I was happy. He told me he'd been reading this blog. I don't know why, but that made even happier.
Work today, 1:30 to 9:30, and then I'm just going to come home and sleep and sleep and sleep.
I was washing dishes, and Max was there. Forgave me, again. Kissed my neck. I was happy. He told me he'd been reading this blog. I don't know why, but that made even happier.
Work today, 1:30 to 9:30, and then I'm just going to come home and sleep and sleep and sleep.
I Got Nothing
Another dream about Max last night. They're getting a little more x-rated each time. He forgave me again. We were having a tour of Disney HQ (I know it doesn't make sense). I went to hold his hand, and he held mine back. He went to look out a window, and we almost fell out of it. He laughed, and then other dream weirdness happened.
Listening to Love Like A Sunset again, which is now my anthem. When I listen to this song, I feel invincible. Nothing can touch me, motherfuckers. I don't fall apart. I can do ANYTHING.
Unfortunately, there's nothing interesting to blog about lately, since I've been too preoccupied with my own terrible life. Listened to one new Radiolab show, but it was only a short one. It was about this old folks home in Austria, and most of their patients, being old, were losing their minds or had full blown Alzheimers. They were constantly escaping the home and just wandering off, looking for loved ones, the houses they grew up in, their parents, etc. They wound up on buses a lot of the time, and went to other towns and villages, 40 miles away sometimes.
One guy who worked there had an idea. Since most of these disillusioned oldsters would get on buses in their escape, his idea was the build a fake bus stop right in front of the home, as a sort of trap. They would go there, and wait for the bus, and wait and wait and wait. And eventually one of the staff would notice them, and be able to bring them safely back.
At first people thought this was a stupid idea, but they built the bus stop anyway. And it actually worked. The bus stop is immediately outside of the doors, so it's the first thing you see. And crazy old folk fell for the bait, and would just wait and wait for the bus, until a nurse came and coaxed them back.
I just thought that was cool.
Thought. Why am I letting myself feel terrible about all this? I did nothing wrong. I know, it is sad, and I hurt Max. But I've done nothing horrible. I should just get over it and stop being such a crybaby. Yeah, I miss Max a lot, more than I thought I would. But I'm going to get over this, and hope that I get to talk to him again one day.
Max, I wish you read these. I'm sorry.
FUCK. Nothing's ever going to be the same again.
PS. OH GOD, OH GOD, WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'VE MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE.
What if I fucked everything up. I fucked everything up. What if I could have fixed things. What if I acted too rashly; I got a feeling and just ran with it. Why do I feel like so much shit. I just want to sleep, sleep all day so I don't have to think, so I can just have dreams about you. Does everyone go through this? This is fucked up, this is so fucked up. I don't want to do ANYTHING but stay inside all day. It's too hard, it's making me tired. I just cry every day now. What if no one ever loves me again. Oh god, oh god, fuck fuck. I suppose I can't just go back to the way things were. I feel like I want to get back together with you, but you probably wouldn't go for that. I know you better than I know myself.
OOOOKKKAAAAY THERE EMO, just take a deeeeep deep breathe and chill the fuck out. This is all new and strange, and you've got to stop letting the panic show.
FUN FACT! That (see PS) is how my mind actually works!
Listening to Love Like A Sunset again, which is now my anthem. When I listen to this song, I feel invincible. Nothing can touch me, motherfuckers. I don't fall apart. I can do ANYTHING.
Unfortunately, there's nothing interesting to blog about lately, since I've been too preoccupied with my own terrible life. Listened to one new Radiolab show, but it was only a short one. It was about this old folks home in Austria, and most of their patients, being old, were losing their minds or had full blown Alzheimers. They were constantly escaping the home and just wandering off, looking for loved ones, the houses they grew up in, their parents, etc. They wound up on buses a lot of the time, and went to other towns and villages, 40 miles away sometimes.
One guy who worked there had an idea. Since most of these disillusioned oldsters would get on buses in their escape, his idea was the build a fake bus stop right in front of the home, as a sort of trap. They would go there, and wait for the bus, and wait and wait and wait. And eventually one of the staff would notice them, and be able to bring them safely back.
At first people thought this was a stupid idea, but they built the bus stop anyway. And it actually worked. The bus stop is immediately outside of the doors, so it's the first thing you see. And crazy old folk fell for the bait, and would just wait and wait for the bus, until a nurse came and coaxed them back.
I just thought that was cool.
Thought. Why am I letting myself feel terrible about all this? I did nothing wrong. I know, it is sad, and I hurt Max. But I've done nothing horrible. I should just get over it and stop being such a crybaby. Yeah, I miss Max a lot, more than I thought I would. But I'm going to get over this, and hope that I get to talk to him again one day.
Max, I wish you read these. I'm sorry.
FUCK. Nothing's ever going to be the same again.
PS. OH GOD, OH GOD, WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'VE MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE.
What if I fucked everything up. I fucked everything up. What if I could have fixed things. What if I acted too rashly; I got a feeling and just ran with it. Why do I feel like so much shit. I just want to sleep, sleep all day so I don't have to think, so I can just have dreams about you. Does everyone go through this? This is fucked up, this is so fucked up. I don't want to do ANYTHING but stay inside all day. It's too hard, it's making me tired. I just cry every day now. What if no one ever loves me again. Oh god, oh god, fuck fuck. I suppose I can't just go back to the way things were. I feel like I want to get back together with you, but you probably wouldn't go for that. I know you better than I know myself.
OOOOKKKAAAAY THERE EMO, just take a deeeeep deep breathe and chill the fuck out. This is all new and strange, and you've got to stop letting the panic show.
FUN FACT! That (see PS) is how my mind actually works!
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