It's Alive!

I'm sorry that I've practically abandoned this. I just have no time for anything.

I was just staring absently into the distance, when I should have been working on my Art History paper, and lamenting the time that I am going to be spending in school.

I miss Max. I miss sleeping. I miss being healthy and having time to eat properly. I miss having money, and being able to travel if I need to. I just have this constant anxiety quietly gnawing away inside of me. Compared to previous years, I'm much better at controlling it now, but Art History is making it worse. It's the first academic course I've taken in at least 2 years, and it's like I forgot how to think anyway but visually. I can't draw my way out of this, I have to do research papers.

The paper I'm trying to write is about The Book of Kells (one page specifically, the Chi Rho page), a really cool, ancient illustrated bible from Ireland. Stunning artwork. I encourage everyone to take a look at it. It's my current obsession. But damn it all if I am not being continuously fucked over by this paper.

We had to make a very specific thesis pertaining to the subject matter. I decided to do something about how the early Christian missionaries used the native Celtic art to aid them in swaying the people towards a new faith. My rationale behind this is that it would have been easier for the Celtic people to associate with the gospels and the word of God if it was presented to them in a style that they were familiar with. That's all good stuff, but I have no idea how to keep this from deteriorating into an opinion essay. It's easy to say these things, but I need to find evidence to back this up, and I have NO idea how to find it. To be honest, this is completely my fault. My professor told the class about this paper when the semester started in January, and here I am, a week before the paper is due, distressing because I have a thesis but nothing else. It's only a 3-5 page paper, but it's worth 20% of my mark.

So, what do? I think I have a good thesis, but no way to back it up. I'm going to ask my professor for her opinion tomorrow, but I'm just so consumed by stress right now. On top of this, I have projects and homework for all of my other classes. My intaglio print is due on Wednesday, my wood sculpture is due on Thursday, and I still have Drawing homework to complete. There are simply not enough hours in the day to get everything done, especially when you're having rather severe motivational problems. Now, I know once I get some sleep, I'll feel better about everything in the morning. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I need to seriously hustle from now on. No more fucking around, dude. You're better than this.

Yes, I constantly speak to myself. I need positive reinforcement from somewhere, and I'm the only person I'll take seriously. When other people say these things to me, I just assume that they're saying what they think is the appropriate thing to say. That's horrible, I know, but it's true. Even when Max tells me these things, I can never just enjoy a compliment or a word of encouragement, because I don't believe that anyone really means these things. I first noticed this when I used to regularly write. People would read my poems/stories and tell me that they were so amazing, but all I could think was "What do you know about good writing?" And most of them knew nothing. They couldn't tell good writing from shitty writing, so I could never take their word for anything. And still, this trend continues with art. I draw something and people congratulate me on a job well done, but they don't know anything about the differences between good and bad art. I drew a pretty lame picture for a friend of mine who makes cards for people as a hobby. She wanted to show a couple looking through a telescope together (a gift to a couple she knew for Valentine's Day, who loved telescopes). I had completely forgotten about it, and remembered on the day that she was expecting me to give it to her. So I rushed and drew a fairly lame picture before I rushed off to work. I was actually embarrassed to give it to her. But she GUSHED over it. This just proved what I had always thought. These compliments can't mean anything to me because people will pat me on the head for producing low-effort, shit-grade art. Trust issues? Self-worth issues? Oh hell yes. Do I tell many people about this? No. I think I've only mentioned it to Max in an off-handed way once or twice. I guess now you all know.

Again, I'll feel better about all this once I get some sleep, but right now I'm just daydreaming about summer, and the semester being over so I can enjoy waking up every morning again. Yeah, yeah, I can hear you there, Depression. Just shut up for a moment so I can get this paper done.

End of an Era

Kim Jong Il is dead.

I know, I haven't updated in a long time, but this is an incredibly worthy subject to toss around here.

I'd been spending the evening with Max, and had just gotten in the door when I caught a glance of the BBC news coverage. All I saw was a quick glimpse of an image of the man and what I thought was the word "dead".

"Dad... what... what did that say?"
"Kim Jong Il died! It was announced a couple of hours ago."

I dropped my backpack and ran to open the door. Max hadn't even gotten halfway past the front of the house yet. "Max!" I called. He stopped, and I put my hands on the stair railing. "Kim Jong Il is dead." We just stared at each other for a few moments in stunned silence. Then we said goodbye again, and he continued on his way home and I went inside again.

I was seriously stunned. Max and I had mused about the subject, since it was obvious that we would see his decline in our lifetime. I knew that he was already sick, but the bad guys always have a way of clinging to life when you really don't want them to, so I just assumed he would be sticking around for another couple of years. But this changes everything. This is a turning point in history that we're witnessing. I have no idea what's going to happen next, and from the way that the news is talking, neither does the rest of the world. On 4chan, someone posted "I feel like the world is getting cleaner, better... I'll sleep well tonight."

I agree. Yet another tyrant has bit the dust, and the ones that are left are (hopefully) starting to feel scared. But I don't know how well I'll sleep tonight, because there are a lot of questions. Like... what's next?

Kim Jong Il's third son, 27 year old Kim Jong Un, is set to be his successor, and doesn't appear to be ready to take the reins of his entire crazy country. According to some people, he'd like nothing more than to declare war on South Korea. I feel so sorry for South Korea right now, because they must be terrified. North Korea has a HUGE army, and while there are other countries that would definitely step up and defend South Korea, it's still a crazy prospect. Right now I'm just fervently hoping that the US doesn't decide to stick their nose in until it's necessary, because whatever the US does, Canada is sure to follow, and going to war with a country like North Korea is less than savory. I know that the US Navy recently set up a giant ship out there. I'm just really hoping that they wait and see where this is going to go before trying to play the hero.

Mostly, I would love to see North Korea liberated of it's insanity, but that's obviously not an easy people. They've been spoon-fed so much crazy bullshit by two separate dictators for so long, so my wish for the future is that they get to join the rest of the world one day.These kinds of regimes never last forever, so it was only a matter of time before it eventually happened, but seeing it happen is pretty amazing. I feel like everyone's holding their breath right now.

Ah, that was all a little rambling up there. I'm just really tired from being awake forever, and I can't think straight right now because all these future possibilities are whirling around in my head. What does this mean for the rest of the world? I feel like "excited" is the wrong word to use here, but yes, I'm almost excited. Change is coming, but is it going to be good? Or bad?

EDIT: Also, I find it incredibly disturbing that practically NOBODY is discussing this on Facebook. This is a big deal, people! As soon as I found out that he had died, I raced to my computer to see what what people online were saying about all this. Only two people I know (and they're not even people that I know very well) even bothered mentioning it. Loads of people were talking about Gaddafi, so why is no one acknowledging the death of another crazy dictator? It's not like it's not being well publicized. Or does nobody actually care?

Still Not Dead

A new post will come. I'm just at the end of semester now, and it's incredibly busy. Be back soon!

Deus Ex Machinima

Saw an ad for a Catholic dating website, where the founder had this to say:

"In Christian marriage, one's spouse is one's "Number Two,"
while the only "Number One" is God.

...There's something really wrong with that.

Disappointing Marks and Midterm Week

Le sigh. I am always so busy now.

Midterm week starts tomorrow, and I have a million things to do:

-4 paintings to be completed by tomorrow (Pretty much done with this. Just need to finish up two of them)
-Ceramics project needs to be finished by Wednesday (Constructed, just need to etch design tomorrow)
-Design project needs to be finished (A dumb gray scale. Not too much to do, just making colour swatches and mixing colours. Working on this tomorrow and Wednesday night)
-SIX drawings to be finished for Friday (I am most concerned about these. I think it'll be alright though. I have tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday to do this).
-A redo of a drawing that I messed up a little bit, due Friday (a bunch of other people messed it up too, though, so I'm not too upset)

I was a little frustrated with drawing the other day, actually. The day started off great. We talked and reviewed previous drawings for an hour, and then the teacher sent us outside for 3 hours to draw trees. So me and 4 other people (Sarah, Aidan, Miriam and Dimos) walked over to the golf course and found a bench that perfectly fit all five of us and our drawing boards. We then proceeded to totally goof around for three hours, and had a blast.

The teacher was posting out midterm marks that day, and earlier he had told us that he doesn't give out A's at midterm because he doesn't want it to go to our heads, or some other equally retarded reason. So the highest mark anyone can have right now is a B+. So I go and check my mark, and what do I have? B.

Yes, I realize that I am totally, 100% insane, that a B is still a really good mark if the highest is a B+. I used to make fun of kids like this in high school, who would get all upset that they didn't get an A when they got a B. I had always coasted in high school, because the marks that I got without putting any effort into it were still pretty decent. But I understand now. This is the first time in my life that I've actually worked hard at something, and I want it to show! So why the fuck don't I have a B+? I'm not going to lie to you; I was actually so upset that I almost started crying. I felt like I was going to punch somebody.

Every time we reviewed our drawings in class, mine always got compliments like "fantastic" and "perfect" from the teacher. So WHY. WHY isn't it showing? I know that I'm a complete lunatic, but I need to know why. I think I might go ask him about it, but I don't want him to realize just how much of a crazy person I am. Plus, he won't be back a school until Thursday, so I just have to sit and stew and seethe over it until then.

In other less-deranged news, I'm getting glasses! My long distance vision has been getting worse over the last year, especially now that school started. With work and school, nothing is ever more than a foot away from my face, so I'm always just looking at things that are close up. But when I have to look away from those things and look at things farther away, I get the most intense eye strain, headaches, dizziness and nausea. It's really horrible. So finally I figured that I should go and get my eyes checked, and now I'm getting glasses! Not fancy ones. I think they're kind of cute though. I hope they don't make me look too retarded. They're ready for pick-up today, but since I'm working all day, my mum said she would pick them up and bring them to me. Now I can show them off the all my friends. :B Haha, I'm such a dork.

Okay, this was just supposed to be a break from painting, but now I'm taking too long. Let's see what else is going on... Max's birthday is on the 24th and I STILL don't know what to get him, I'm not sure if I'm going to be anything for Hallowe'en, I'm going to go see West Side Story preformed live on the 26th, I got these 4 totally sick posters the other day (very pretty), Rachel got fired from her job, and I'm going to go visit Tanis and Christina in Florida in December!

Art And, Ugh, Feelings

I watched a movie called Art School Confidential just now, and I was able to finish watching it because it made me feel kind of depressed. Some eager little kid goes to art school and ends up getting totally discouraged from being a great artist like he wants to be, and starts trying to draw and paint according to what other people want. That's so LAME! I know it's just a movie, but I couldn't get over it. I was hoping for a feel good movie about a kid who goes to art school and then turns out alright after, because that's what I'm kind of hoping will happen to me.

I like school, I do, but there are certain things about it that are killing me. Like in painting. I'm not a big fan of painting anyway, but to top it off there's all this touchy-feely bullshit. The other day, our classes was about emotions, and how to paint emotion using colour, style and brushstrokes. Seemed solid enough, but it quickly degenerated into crap. First we had to name as many emotions as we could think of (pro tip: "hunger" is not an emotion, classmates) and then we had to pick one and paint the arrangement that the teacher had set up in the middle of the class according to that emotion. This ended up being a lot harder than I thought it would be and after two in class attempts, I decided to scrap them and try again at home. Just came up with a really great idea for that, actually. Anyway, it's stupid. When we were critiquing our self-portraits in class, people were saying the dumbest things. To quote one girl, "I feel like your painting is the cover of a book, and if I opened it I could read the story of your life." I seriously almost lost it in the middle of class. What the fuck?

I'm finding the things like this hard to swallow because, let's all face it, I'm not an emotional person. I never have been, and to be honest, I hope I never am. I don't get sad and think "I'm going to draw my feelings!" Sure, I have sat down with a sketchbook when I'm feeling a little blue, but that's because I enjoy drawing and it makes me feel better, not because I want to vomit up all my feelings on to paper.

I think it's because I'm not an artist in the way that all these other people want to be. I want to be a Kazu Kibuishi and a Lucy Knisely, not a Monet or Picasso.

Oh Yeah

Too busy... to blog...
Sense of guilt... growing stronger...

School eats up all my time now, and I'm too tired to ever write anything anymore. I'm going to try and get better at keeping up with things, though. I have a lot of homework that needs to be done (specifically a number of paintings, which are the bane of my existence), and I recently found an old book I had as a kid that's a sort of How To Make Comics thing. It's really for younger folk, but there are tons of helpful things in it, including career possibilities that you could pursue that would work with comics, a list of reference material and tons of links to websites that could prove most useful. I'm going to start making comics for real soon!

No time to report in about everything else just now. I've got work at 8 am tomorrow morning, which means it's time for bed. Soon though, my children! Soon.