I feel sick, sick, sick in my heart.

Something's wrong.

I used to take great joy in blogging, but now it feels like every time I sit down to do it, it feels like such a chore, and I just can't get into it. I have stories to tell, and there are things going on, but I just can't make myself write them down.

Fuck.

Existentialism, Obituaries and Clubbing

I get creeped out so bad when I see pictures of recently dead people. It's like seeing a ghost. There's a group that a friend of mine just joined on Facebook, 'RIP Shelby Nicole Hamilton'. Out of morbid curiousity, I decided to browse it. There was a photo gallery, and I wish I hadn't looked. Not that there was anything wrong with the pictures. They were just happy and silly, a young girl fooling around with her friends. But that almost made it worse. It really is like seeing a ghost, like she was still alive or something. Which brings me to this existentialist question:

Does death really exist in modern society?

When people died in the past, that was it. You basically never saw their face again. There wasn't a whole lot of picture taking back then, unless you were well off, so once they were gone, it was goodbye forever. But these days, with digital cameras, camcorders and microphones, you can stick around for a long, long time. Like commercials with Billy Mays, or Brittany Murphy movies, or music by Michael Jackson. It's like they're talking to you from beyond the grave, and it seriously weirds me out. Uptown Girls was on the other day, and KI kept forgetting that Murphy was dead. I'd laugh at something she was doing, and then (re)realized, "Oh god, she's dead." I have to change the channel when a Billy Mays commercial comes on, no joke. It really is like seeing a ghost.

But on the other hand, I enjoy reading obituaries of the recently deceased. I just like the stories, really. The long ones are the best. Names of their family, where they lived, what they did, what they were like. There was a lady today who was born in 1918! My god, that was almost 100 years ago. Can you even imagine being that old? One day, someone's going to be reading my obituary and say "Holy shit, 1990? That was so, so long ago." And it will be so, so long ago, because I am going to live to be 110. Why? Merely because I want to live to see a new century. Wouldn't that be awesome? I want to be so old, that I'm like, one of the only people that remembers owning and iPod or something.

Here's a fun idea, kids! Let's write our own obituaries! I'll share mine:

Lisa Recchia
June 29th, 1990 - (???), 2100

Born during the style-challenged era known as the "90s", Lisa
was born in Etobicoke, Ontario, and later forsook the East for Vancouver,
for the mountains and ocean, that were all eventually named after her.
As a young woman, she enjoyed the Internet, moving in time to music, and
reading the obituaries of others. She always wanted to the others like her to
know that they are not alone. It is okay to take solace in the stories of the
dead. Lisa enjoyed a fruitful life of adventure, money, and handsome men
from foreign lands, sometimes named Julio. Eventually becoming the most
famous writer in the entire world, she lived by the pen, and died by the
sword. Literally. It was in her final duel with her longtime nemesis, Sven
Orggeson, that she met with Fate, and was stabbed over 100 times before
having her heart cut out and eaten, so Orggeson could gain her powers.
The end.

I am going to put it in my will, that this has to be my obituary, no matter what. I want this to be run in every newspaper of the time, for a solid week. Now, write your own obituary and post it in the comments! Not that anybody ever comments! Even though I've asked very politely! You fuckers!

So, I am going clubbing for the first, and possibly the last, time in my life tomorrow evening. The place: Republic. I'm all anxious about it too. It's like a party, only 10 times worse. Why? There's dancing. I always used to think I was a decent dancer. And then I'm not sure what happened. I got fat(ter), or possibly just saw a recording of myself dancing. Fuuucccckkkk. So now my confidence is shot. I'll have to make up for it with a great outfit, which I thankfully have. I'm probably only going to stick around for an hour though before heading over to Max's for the night. Some cool people from work are going to be there, like Andrew, Zaffy, Shaarah, Ashley and I can't remember who else, so that should be okay.

Anyway, peace out for now. Got an early shift tomorrow, and I have to get enough sleep so I can wake up with enough time to straighten my hair. How exciting.

Kaki King and Webcomics(?)

I don't think I've ever really talked about Kaki King on here before. Let's start now.

Kaki King is, without a doubt, the coolest musician I've ever had to pleasure to listen to. Words that come to mind are 'affecting', 'stirring' and 'breathtaking'. It's hard to properly describe how I feel about this music. I feel like I can only express my passion for it through movement, not words. Like, I feel like I have to dance when I hear it. Or sway, or tap my feet, or move my hands, shoulders, head, hips. This isn't music to sit still to. It requires movement. Kaki King is a musical goddess. It was by happy accident that I discovered her. Just some video on Youtube that was on "Videos Being Watched Now". It was Playing With Pink Noise. I was practically spellbound watching her manipulate those guitar strings. I thought she was just some Youtube phenomenom, but after a search on Limewire, I discovered I was pleasantly mistaken. Fast forward (two years?) and now I'm addicted. Yesss. And finally, I'm putting some of this music on my home computer, which is the one I sync my iPod with, so I can listen to Kaki King in such cool places as the bus! Yeah!

Okay, end gushing.

Drawing is hard. Not hard in the sense that I'm not good at it. I'm pretty decent, if I don't say so myself. But keeping up with it? Constantly drawing new expressions, poses... Needless to say, it's a challenge for someone with an attention span as short as mine. And an Internet addiction as serious as mine. It's difficult to focus.
But I really, really want to get this webcomic dream off the ground. I love webcomics so much, and I've wanted to do my own for awhile now. I would probably only be able to update once a week, but there are other things worrying me. Mostly the technical stuff. I seriously don't know anything about computers. In grade 5, we were given the project of designing our own webpage, basically an 'About Me' page. Keep in mind this was 2000, so computers were still pretty ghetto. And I failed it. One of the reasons being that I didn't have a computer in my house yet (and wouldn't, until 2004) so I had no time to work on it, and another being I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Seriously, everyone else got like, 100%, and I just never submitted mine, because I had no idea how to do anything. They talked about coding, and all that html bullshit, but I was completely in the dark. I remember getting really frustrated, because if everyone else could do it, it must be simple. But I just couldn't get it.

Soooo, just an old fear of failure coming back to haunt me.Thankfully I know some intelligent people who will (hopefully) help me. And, and! I'm going to buy a scanner with my next paycheque! Super excited about this! Now I can finally submit things to deviantart! Whooo.

Just had a Jones Soda, and the fortune under the bottle cap said "The project you have in mind now gains momentum." Score!

PS. Already thinking of Halloween costumes. I want to go for something Internet meme related. A lolcat?

Recipes and New Ideas

I'm BACK!

As I sit here drinking homemade lemonade, hands stained red with strawberry juice from the chocolate-strawberry birthday cake I just made for my brother, and eating delicious curry vermicelli, I can't help but think about food.

Today I watched like, a million cooking shows, including French Food at Home, Chef at Home, Ricardo and Friends, and Everyday Exotic, and the recipes I managed to collect today are seriously GOLDEN. Pineapple salsa! Salmon wrapped in prosciutto! Lamb meatballs with mint yogurt sauce! Lobster in cognac sauce with blanched vegetables! Homemade strawberry ice cream! My destiny is clear to me now: I must have a dinner party.

I've been wanting to do one for so long, and now not only do I have the perfect recipes in mind, but I also have the most perfect dress that I bought just the other day, for maximum hostess power. And I was going to find a picture of it on the Forever 21 website, but I bought it on sale for like, $24 off it's regular price (it was originally $34.99, but I got it for $10.99!). It's a perfect little navy blue thing.

Watching Sherlock Holmes again, and I have to say, it is one of my new favourite movies. Partly because I love that they portrayed Watson the way he was supposed to be, the music, the costumes and the mystery, but mostly because of Robert Downey Jr. Seriously the coolest Sherlock Holmes ever. I could watch this movie every day. I even like Lord Blackwood, despite being the bad guy. And it's great that they kind of had Mortiarty in it, hinting at a sequel.

Ooh, and I have some interesting news. I finally have an idea that I like, and I want to make a webcomic, for real this time. I won't say what it's about right now, because you're obviously all out to steal my ideas. And I don't want to get anyone's hopes up in case I don't actually do it, which happens around me a lot. There are many things I said I'd do, and then never got around to doing. Yuuup.
Also, there's a lot of technical stuff I have to think about. Setting up a website? Uploading stuff? Selling ad space? How the fuck do I do all of that? Thankfully I know some brilliant computer people (which is just Max for now) who should help me get this off the ground. I think it could be really cool. And I've always, always wanted a comic to call my own.

So, I'll try getting regular updates to happen again! Right now I'm sketching and writing and dreaming up more ideas, so let's see what I can make of things...

Nobody Wants To Hear You Sing About Tragedy

I can't write anymore.

Second Chances and Who The Fuck Even Knows

Tomorrow. I am meeting up with Max tomorrow.

I emailed him, and said that I think I spoke too quickly, and I regret (so, so much) saying no to trying to work things out. And I do, I really do. I was so hasty, so quick, that I didn't stop to think about anything. I was tired from that week at the Girl Guide camp (did I tell you that I'd worked on the Saturday for 15 hours, with only a 1 1/2 hour break? I was exhausted), and instead of taking a night to sleep on it, I went right for the money.

And I seriously don't know what to think now. Yesterday, I was SO SURE I'd made the right decision. But I should know myself well enough by know to realize that I can never be sure about anything.

I just want things to be the way they used to be.