This dark mood persists.
I'm just sitting here, brooding.
Will I ever grow out of this bullshit? The week-long self-loathing
benders, specifically. Do you just wake up one day, and never again
think of yourself as a useless, talentless, futureless, hopeless, plain,
fat sack of guts?
Most of the time I really do like
myself, but more and more frequently I just keep coming back to this
shadowy corner of my mind and stay there for awhile. I know this sounds
super needy, but I constantly need reassurance from other people that
I'm better than the way I think of myself, and I HATE it. I hate that I
have to hear it from other people and sound like an attention whore, and
I hate that I can't tell myself these things when I'm having anything
less than a great day. I need to hear that I'm funny and smart and
pretty and talented, and that need makes me feel low.
My birthday's coming up next week, on the 29th, and I
don't even care. I'm not going to do anything fun (well, I will hang out
with Max all day, so that's fun), but I wish I was normal enough to do
something cool for my birthday. Like have a party. Or go to a
bar. Or dancing. But I can't, because even when I do go to places like
that, I become so consumed with anxiety that it sucks all the joy out of
everything.
I've got very conflicting views. Most of
the time I want to stand out, and rise above average, but now I seem to
be gravitating more towards this desire to be normal. What went wrong?
Why did I stay awkward and weird while everyone else graduated to
normal? Rachel's normal. Fuck, even Peter is normal. Why am I the only
affected sibling?
This is a very shallow thought, but I
know if I lost 20lbs I could love myself all the time. Because even if I
grow up talentless and futureless, at least I'll be skinny. As I type
this, I can feel decades of feminists shaking their heads at me. Well,
fuck them. It would just be nice, okay?
Maybe I'll feel better after a couple hours of sleep.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
A Dark Mood
Sometimes I let myself get into these very dark moods. Something
mundane always sets it off. A song. A passage in a book. An anxious
thought. It sweeps up on me and then I am overcome and it is too late to
get out.
Today it was a song called A Penny at a Time, and the chapter in the first of the Anne of Green Gables series. Now I'm sitting here critically looking out over the mountains, the charm of the day gone. I think about my Art History final on Thursday, that I've prepared little for. If I fail, I won't be able to go back to my Fine Arts program in the fall and be with my lovely friends. I should have bought the textbook for that class, but it was $80 and while I suppose I could have afforded it, I didn't want to struggle with the resutling broke-ness that would follow. I don't know what failing will do to me. I just love going to school so much. Really, I don't truly think I'll fail, because I've been to every class and took extensive notes, and I have a knack for pulling through in situations like that, but there's a little dark fear that's constantly shadowing me.
These dark moods always make me think about Yasaman. It's not been quite a year and a half, but she's still always on the edge of my thoughts. Not as sad as before, not as bitter, but still there. She makes me think about my own future death. I know this sounds odd, but it's funny to think that we'll all die some day, isn't it? It's something we try very hard to ignore. However, I think I can comfortably state that I am not afraid of death. The dying part is unnerving, to be concious that you're in the midst of your final minutes. But the death part isn't terrifying to me. You won't be aware of it anyway, so what's to be scared about? Actually, what comforts me the most is how incredibly mundane death and dying is. It's just a process that has been happening for a millenia, and will continue to keep happening after.
What's really important to me aboutmy own death is the way my body is dealt with. Now, as anyone could tell by reading this blog, I am a staunch atheist, so no heaven for me, and even if there is, I don't want to go. Ever since I read about eco-friendly burials, it's been what I've wanted. The whole point is that you will eventually erode within the earth, and become dirt. I think it's wonderful. The way burials happen today pretty much just doom your corpse to become toxic sludge in a cement-lined casket, and that to me is a more abhorrent thought than Hell any day.
As for the envirmonental aspects of this, I'm going to confess that I really couldn't care about that. It's nice that they're so harmless, but that wasn't the selling point for me. I just feel that it's really important for me to "return to the earth". That will be my rebirth. Before, my only worry was the availability of cemeteries that would allow something like this. I know they have special "green" cemeteries scattered around the country, but I worried that they were too far and few between. I don't want to be buried somewhere too far away from those left behind, and I don't think I could bear to be buried anywhere but my Vancouver. Turns out though that Mountain View Cemetery, just over on Fraser Street, is a "hybrid cemetery", meaning as well as conventional burials, they also allow eco-friendly ones. I would have prefered the one closer to the house that I grew up in, Ocean View (I'm sensing a theme here), but I read an article that says more and more cemeteries are beginning to allow the practice, and I don't plan on dying for a very long time, so maybe it will be available to me when I get there.
Morbid food for thought, huh? It just strikes me as a perfectly normal thing to talk about and think about, though. I told Max already, that if I suddenly died, that was the way I wanted to be buried and that he had to make sure my wishes were carried out. I don't think he likes talking about this sort of thing though. Unsurprisingly, not many people do. Oh well.
I feel much better now, though still worried about the exam. Why am I such a dunce? Why can't I ever learn to not leave things to the last minute? Maybe one day I'll grow up for real and be over that.
A Penny at a Time - Matthew Hubert
Today it was a song called A Penny at a Time, and the chapter in the first of the Anne of Green Gables series. Now I'm sitting here critically looking out over the mountains, the charm of the day gone. I think about my Art History final on Thursday, that I've prepared little for. If I fail, I won't be able to go back to my Fine Arts program in the fall and be with my lovely friends. I should have bought the textbook for that class, but it was $80 and while I suppose I could have afforded it, I didn't want to struggle with the resutling broke-ness that would follow. I don't know what failing will do to me. I just love going to school so much. Really, I don't truly think I'll fail, because I've been to every class and took extensive notes, and I have a knack for pulling through in situations like that, but there's a little dark fear that's constantly shadowing me.
These dark moods always make me think about Yasaman. It's not been quite a year and a half, but she's still always on the edge of my thoughts. Not as sad as before, not as bitter, but still there. She makes me think about my own future death. I know this sounds odd, but it's funny to think that we'll all die some day, isn't it? It's something we try very hard to ignore. However, I think I can comfortably state that I am not afraid of death. The dying part is unnerving, to be concious that you're in the midst of your final minutes. But the death part isn't terrifying to me. You won't be aware of it anyway, so what's to be scared about? Actually, what comforts me the most is how incredibly mundane death and dying is. It's just a process that has been happening for a millenia, and will continue to keep happening after.
What's really important to me aboutmy own death is the way my body is dealt with. Now, as anyone could tell by reading this blog, I am a staunch atheist, so no heaven for me, and even if there is, I don't want to go. Ever since I read about eco-friendly burials, it's been what I've wanted. The whole point is that you will eventually erode within the earth, and become dirt. I think it's wonderful. The way burials happen today pretty much just doom your corpse to become toxic sludge in a cement-lined casket, and that to me is a more abhorrent thought than Hell any day.
As for the envirmonental aspects of this, I'm going to confess that I really couldn't care about that. It's nice that they're so harmless, but that wasn't the selling point for me. I just feel that it's really important for me to "return to the earth". That will be my rebirth. Before, my only worry was the availability of cemeteries that would allow something like this. I know they have special "green" cemeteries scattered around the country, but I worried that they were too far and few between. I don't want to be buried somewhere too far away from those left behind, and I don't think I could bear to be buried anywhere but my Vancouver. Turns out though that Mountain View Cemetery, just over on Fraser Street, is a "hybrid cemetery", meaning as well as conventional burials, they also allow eco-friendly ones. I would have prefered the one closer to the house that I grew up in, Ocean View (I'm sensing a theme here), but I read an article that says more and more cemeteries are beginning to allow the practice, and I don't plan on dying for a very long time, so maybe it will be available to me when I get there.
Morbid food for thought, huh? It just strikes me as a perfectly normal thing to talk about and think about, though. I told Max already, that if I suddenly died, that was the way I wanted to be buried and that he had to make sure my wishes were carried out. I don't think he likes talking about this sort of thing though. Unsurprisingly, not many people do. Oh well.
I feel much better now, though still worried about the exam. Why am I such a dunce? Why can't I ever learn to not leave things to the last minute? Maybe one day I'll grow up for real and be over that.
A Penny at a Time - Matthew Hubert
Thursday, May 31, 2012
LA Recap and Most Glorious Minecraft
Alright, so I've done it. I had a lovely vacation with Max in LA. Did I seen the sights? Did I mingle with the people and feel the heartbeat of the city?
Nah.
I don't want to go into great detail about the whole thing, but it was a really fun trip. Didn't see too many major things, except for Grauman's Chinese Theatre, and all the celebrity cement handprints, which was really cool. The total highlights of that was getting to touch the ones made by the Marx Brothers and John Wayne. Sounds lame, but it did give me shivers. While we were in Anaheim, I didn't get to go to Disneyland because it cost too much money, and Max was judging the Anaheim MTG Grand Prix, so I mostly hung out by myself and played a lot of Minecraft. I did get to meet all of this judge friends, and they were all really nice people! I've heard so much about all of them from Max that I felt like I already knew them. I just wish I hadn't been so fucking shy. See, sometimes I so outspoken that it's kind of ridiculous, but others times I just clam up and become a bundle of anxiety. It was cool to see Max working too, because you can see how much he cares about running a good event. Also, he looks handsome in his judge shirt.
I've actually kind of caved to the idea of learning how to play Magic. The only reason I've resisted for so long is because I really hate looking bad at things, and it seems like there are a lot of complicated rules to Magic. I didn't want to look like that typical girl, who's only playing because her boyfriend does. Magic is also Max's thing, and I didn't want him to feel like I was smothering him at all. But seeing the Grand Prix made it look like a lot of fun, so I'm going to give it a go. I know Max is probably overjoyed that I've finally given in after 5 years.
So all of that was fun, but really, the greatest part of the vacation was 5 consecutive days with Max. And the second greatest part was the Hilton hotel we stayed at in Anaheim. I wanted to pull some Ocean's 11 shit and steal that bed. It was just about the greatest thing I've ever slept in.
Now I'm back, and real life creeps in once again. I got fucked over with my taxes, and the bastards said I've been "disallowed" for my Working Income Tax Benefit. That was going to be almost $800 that I could have used to pay for school in September! And they gave it to me every other year, so I don't see what the problem was. They didn't even tell me why I was disallowed, only that I should refer to lines 323 and 5658 of my tax package. So there's that hardship, but it's not really the end of the world. I'll just have to work even harder this summer to save up enough money for it. I'm not too worried, it's just that that money would have made everything a little bit easier.
You may have noticed that I mentioned Minecraft up there. I will readily admit that I am seriously obsessed with playing. It's kind of bad because I'm getting absolutely nothing done, but it's great because... because Minecraft. What's that? You don't play Minecraft? Well you fucking should. I could go on and on about the most sick mountain fortress I've created, and the journey I'm about to go on to find an NPC village so I can steal all of their things, but not tonight. It's already very late, and I've got some crafting to do, and some supplies to gather. And you know, sleep and all that good stuff.
I'll just leave this here.
Nah.
I don't want to go into great detail about the whole thing, but it was a really fun trip. Didn't see too many major things, except for Grauman's Chinese Theatre, and all the celebrity cement handprints, which was really cool. The total highlights of that was getting to touch the ones made by the Marx Brothers and John Wayne. Sounds lame, but it did give me shivers. While we were in Anaheim, I didn't get to go to Disneyland because it cost too much money, and Max was judging the Anaheim MTG Grand Prix, so I mostly hung out by myself and played a lot of Minecraft. I did get to meet all of this judge friends, and they were all really nice people! I've heard so much about all of them from Max that I felt like I already knew them. I just wish I hadn't been so fucking shy. See, sometimes I so outspoken that it's kind of ridiculous, but others times I just clam up and become a bundle of anxiety. It was cool to see Max working too, because you can see how much he cares about running a good event. Also, he looks handsome in his judge shirt.
I've actually kind of caved to the idea of learning how to play Magic. The only reason I've resisted for so long is because I really hate looking bad at things, and it seems like there are a lot of complicated rules to Magic. I didn't want to look like that typical girl, who's only playing because her boyfriend does. Magic is also Max's thing, and I didn't want him to feel like I was smothering him at all. But seeing the Grand Prix made it look like a lot of fun, so I'm going to give it a go. I know Max is probably overjoyed that I've finally given in after 5 years.
So all of that was fun, but really, the greatest part of the vacation was 5 consecutive days with Max. And the second greatest part was the Hilton hotel we stayed at in Anaheim. I wanted to pull some Ocean's 11 shit and steal that bed. It was just about the greatest thing I've ever slept in.
Now I'm back, and real life creeps in once again. I got fucked over with my taxes, and the bastards said I've been "disallowed" for my Working Income Tax Benefit. That was going to be almost $800 that I could have used to pay for school in September! And they gave it to me every other year, so I don't see what the problem was. They didn't even tell me why I was disallowed, only that I should refer to lines 323 and 5658 of my tax package. So there's that hardship, but it's not really the end of the world. I'll just have to work even harder this summer to save up enough money for it. I'm not too worried, it's just that that money would have made everything a little bit easier.
You may have noticed that I mentioned Minecraft up there. I will readily admit that I am seriously obsessed with playing. It's kind of bad because I'm getting absolutely nothing done, but it's great because... because Minecraft. What's that? You don't play Minecraft? Well you fucking should. I could go on and on about the most sick mountain fortress I've created, and the journey I'm about to go on to find an NPC village so I can steal all of their things, but not tonight. It's already very late, and I've got some crafting to do, and some supplies to gather. And you know, sleep and all that good stuff.
I'll just leave this here.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
A Versatile Blogger? Moi?
Goodness! I go away for, oh, a month and a half, and when I come back someone nominates me for the Versatile Blogger Award! Thank you very kindly, Sharra! Nice of you to think of me. I guess this means I should go away for even longer and see what else gets thrown my way.
The rules are:
1. Nominate 15 fellow bloggers who are relatively new to blogging
2. Let them know that you have nominated them.
3. Share 7 random facts about yourself.
4. Thank the bloggers who have nominated you.
5. Add the Versatile Blogger Award picture to your post
As per one of the requirements for this, I will now put down 7 Random Facts About Myself:
1) As a young child, I would blindfold myself and practice walking around my house in this sightless state, until I knew where absolutely everything was with my eyes closed.
2) I have mild scoliosis. My spine is curved ever so slightly, and as a result, my shoulders are noticeably crooked when I stand up straight. You wouldn't think that such a small curve would matter, but it is incredibly agonizing so much, though not as terribly in recent years.
3) I believed in faeries (age 14) for longer than I believed in God (age 9). Just... just shut up about it, okay?
4) Going to be honest here. I think I have some form of body dysmorphic disorder. I don't really want to get into details about it just now, but let's just say that catching sight of my reflection can ruin my entire day.
5) I've developed a really bizarre fear. I am constantly worried that while I'm on the bus, someone behind me is going to cut my hair off. I don't know where this came from, but it is a great source of anxiety for me.
6) In another time, I really wanted to be a librarian. Sometimes I still think about doing it. But one look at the courses in the 4 year program cured me of this desire. Boooooring.
7) My family and I like to pretend that our dog, Macey, is actually a princess that got turned into a dog. Yup.
I absolutely do not know 15 other bloggers, so I will just nominate a few:
Tanis - I hope this encourages you to update more often!
Christina - Likewise to you, lady.
In actuality, I feel terrible about neglecting this for so long. But you know how it goes. School ends for the summer, and then you start working 40 hours a week. Well, maybe that doesn't happen to everyone, but it is totally happening to me, and while I am dog-tired by the end of the day, I am raking in fat stacks of cash that are allowing me to go out and spend money on art supplies and, you know, food. Okay, okay, and the occassional skirt or dress. Those are essentials too.
I am taking one course this summer, a Modern Art class. It's a requirement to get into the second year of my Fine Arts program, so I'm not taking it because I want to, and believe me, the first two days of it were AGONY. Honestly, I can't stand critiquing art, and as you'll soon find, I have a lot to say about the subject. It just bothers me that pretty much everything that it discussed or thought of about a certain pieve is purely speculation on the part of the viewer, unless specifically set down by the artist themself. Seriously, people can make up so much bullshit about a single painting.
I just find the act of making these things up to be completely pointless, for both parties, actually. This is what I wrote in my notebook during class when I should have been taking down important facts:
I also added at the end "Therefore, creating art with meaning and intent is arbitrary and irrelevent.", which is technically true according to my own statement above, but I think that can be left up to debate. Anyhow, what was once a hated class is now a much anticipated one, because while I mostly disagree with everything the teacher says (if Giacometti and Bacon said that they weren't existentialists, can't we just take their word for it?!) it is giving me the opportunity to form a bunch of my own ideas on the subject, so that's something exciting.
Okay, I really wanted to write a whole bunch more, but it is now 12:11 am and I have to get up early, because I have my Art History class tomorrow, and I'm going to LA on Wednesday with Max for 5 days, and I haven't really packed for that yet. Ooooops. But I am going to update more frequently for sure, because I really missed doing this. Also, this blog has had almost 13,000 pageviews? I find that... surprising. I mean, in the grand scheme of the Internet, numbers like 13,000 are meaningless, but it's still interesting. Like, why? I'm not really saying anything, am I? Well, I'm thinking about talking about Art History a lot more, so maybe people will like that.
Anyhow, pip-pip cheerio and all that good stuff, children.
PS. The sickest song? The sickest song. Thank you to KC Green of Gunshow, for englightening me in the ways of Javelin.
The rules are:
1. Nominate 15 fellow bloggers who are relatively new to blogging
2. Let them know that you have nominated them.
3. Share 7 random facts about yourself.
4. Thank the bloggers who have nominated you.
5. Add the Versatile Blogger Award picture to your post
As per one of the requirements for this, I will now put down 7 Random Facts About Myself:
1) As a young child, I would blindfold myself and practice walking around my house in this sightless state, until I knew where absolutely everything was with my eyes closed.
2) I have mild scoliosis. My spine is curved ever so slightly, and as a result, my shoulders are noticeably crooked when I stand up straight. You wouldn't think that such a small curve would matter, but it is incredibly agonizing so much, though not as terribly in recent years.
3) I believed in faeries (age 14) for longer than I believed in God (age 9). Just... just shut up about it, okay?
4) Going to be honest here. I think I have some form of body dysmorphic disorder. I don't really want to get into details about it just now, but let's just say that catching sight of my reflection can ruin my entire day.
5) I've developed a really bizarre fear. I am constantly worried that while I'm on the bus, someone behind me is going to cut my hair off. I don't know where this came from, but it is a great source of anxiety for me.
6) In another time, I really wanted to be a librarian. Sometimes I still think about doing it. But one look at the courses in the 4 year program cured me of this desire. Boooooring.
7) My family and I like to pretend that our dog, Macey, is actually a princess that got turned into a dog. Yup.
I absolutely do not know 15 other bloggers, so I will just nominate a few:
Tanis - I hope this encourages you to update more often!
Christina - Likewise to you, lady.
In actuality, I feel terrible about neglecting this for so long. But you know how it goes. School ends for the summer, and then you start working 40 hours a week. Well, maybe that doesn't happen to everyone, but it is totally happening to me, and while I am dog-tired by the end of the day, I am raking in fat stacks of cash that are allowing me to go out and spend money on art supplies and, you know, food. Okay, okay, and the occassional skirt or dress. Those are essentials too.
I am taking one course this summer, a Modern Art class. It's a requirement to get into the second year of my Fine Arts program, so I'm not taking it because I want to, and believe me, the first two days of it were AGONY. Honestly, I can't stand critiquing art, and as you'll soon find, I have a lot to say about the subject. It just bothers me that pretty much everything that it discussed or thought of about a certain pieve is purely speculation on the part of the viewer, unless specifically set down by the artist themself. Seriously, people can make up so much bullshit about a single painting.
I just find the act of making these things up to be completely pointless, for both parties, actually. This is what I wrote in my notebook during class when I should have been taking down important facts:
"It doesn't matter what I think about a piece of art, because the artist is only going to take into account what they intended for said piece. It doesn't matter what the artist thinks about their piece, because I will always take away what I want from said piece."
I also added at the end "Therefore, creating art with meaning and intent is arbitrary and irrelevent.", which is technically true according to my own statement above, but I think that can be left up to debate. Anyhow, what was once a hated class is now a much anticipated one, because while I mostly disagree with everything the teacher says (if Giacometti and Bacon said that they weren't existentialists, can't we just take their word for it?!) it is giving me the opportunity to form a bunch of my own ideas on the subject, so that's something exciting.
Okay, I really wanted to write a whole bunch more, but it is now 12:11 am and I have to get up early, because I have my Art History class tomorrow, and I'm going to LA on Wednesday with Max for 5 days, and I haven't really packed for that yet. Ooooops. But I am going to update more frequently for sure, because I really missed doing this. Also, this blog has had almost 13,000 pageviews? I find that... surprising. I mean, in the grand scheme of the Internet, numbers like 13,000 are meaningless, but it's still interesting. Like, why? I'm not really saying anything, am I? Well, I'm thinking about talking about Art History a lot more, so maybe people will like that.
Anyhow, pip-pip cheerio and all that good stuff, children.
PS. The sickest song? The sickest song. Thank you to KC Green of Gunshow, for englightening me in the ways of Javelin.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Commissions
I've recieved my first commission today! A friend of mine texted me this morning to tell me that she's removing all her old pictures and posters from her wall, and she would like me to make her some new things to put up! She's even going to pay me, which is something I was not expecting at all. To be honest, the business end of art always makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to determine cost of an object like a drawing or a painting. I suppose it's suppose it's suppose to at least equal the cost of materals and time put into the work, but if I'm doing a drawing, my materials are going to be pencils, erasers and pens (of which I've accumulated many), and maybe thick rag paper, which costs $6 tops per sheet, and comes big enough that I could squeeze 2 drawings out of it. Of course, since she's a friend, I'm not going to charge her an arm and a leg. Maybe I'll look around the internet and try to figure out how this stuf works...
Other than figuring out marketing/business bullshit, I'm totally excited. I just need to find out what she's looking for, and how many/how big she wants them, and then I'm going to get started. She said that my deadline is from now until I die, so that's pretty nice. I'll try and finish them all by the end of the summer though.
Today I have my Art History final exam, and I must confess, I've barely studied for it. But strangely, I'm not worried. The format for the exam is 3 short essays based on comparing and contrasting the different subject matters. I am the queen of this stuff. Okay, maybe I should have studied a little bit more. Oh well.
And finally, today is my little brother's birthday. He's now 17 years old. Jesus, where does the time go? I remember him when he was a roly-poly baby. Now he's almost an adult. Oy vey.
Other than figuring out marketing/business bullshit, I'm totally excited. I just need to find out what she's looking for, and how many/how big she wants them, and then I'm going to get started. She said that my deadline is from now until I die, so that's pretty nice. I'll try and finish them all by the end of the summer though.
Today I have my Art History final exam, and I must confess, I've barely studied for it. But strangely, I'm not worried. The format for the exam is 3 short essays based on comparing and contrasting the different subject matters. I am the queen of this stuff. Okay, maybe I should have studied a little bit more. Oh well.
And finally, today is my little brother's birthday. He's now 17 years old. Jesus, where does the time go? I remember him when he was a roly-poly baby. Now he's almost an adult. Oy vey.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Spend All Winter Wantin' Summer Like You Couldn't Bear The Cold
Well, I've done it. School is done until September.
I can't even describe this euphoria. It also helps that today was an absolutely warm, gorgeous April day, but goddamn, I feel good. Also, I got drunk, truly drunk, for the first time in my life today. Now, I don't want to glorify or condone drinking at all, but when you're drinking on the last day of school with all your buddies in a packed Student Union Building... it's a pretty good time. I was pretty silly and swaying by the end of it.
Ah, my friends. Honestly, I think I would have dropped out if it hadn't been for them. Sarah, Miriam, Melissa, Chanel, Garion and Kim... I really wouldn't have made it through this first year if it hadn't been for you guys. You're some of the best friends I could have ever asked for, and I hope we're all friends for a long, long time.
God, I'm just so overwhelmed with giddiness and good-feelings right now. I'm listening to some good music, I'm thinking about all the art I want to make over the summer, and there's apple pie in the fridge downstairs. I don't mean to sound like those obnoxious happy people that nobody can stand, but please, bear with me. I'm normally enveloped by this aura of self-loathing, so this is a pleasant reprieve.
Also? Got my order from Teefury.com today. They had a grab bag event awhile ago, where you could buy up to 12 printed t-shirts for $6 each, so I ordered 4. I got:
-a Ravenclaw shirt (not overly thrilled, to be honest. I'm going to find someone to give it to)
-a TMNT shirt
-a Regular Show shirt (did not expect this AT ALL. Super stoked)
-a Firefly shirt (I almost bought this one earlier, and so did Chanel. Lucky x10000000000)
So it's been a good day.
I can't even describe this euphoria. It also helps that today was an absolutely warm, gorgeous April day, but goddamn, I feel good. Also, I got drunk, truly drunk, for the first time in my life today. Now, I don't want to glorify or condone drinking at all, but when you're drinking on the last day of school with all your buddies in a packed Student Union Building... it's a pretty good time. I was pretty silly and swaying by the end of it.
Ah, my friends. Honestly, I think I would have dropped out if it hadn't been for them. Sarah, Miriam, Melissa, Chanel, Garion and Kim... I really wouldn't have made it through this first year if it hadn't been for you guys. You're some of the best friends I could have ever asked for, and I hope we're all friends for a long, long time.
God, I'm just so overwhelmed with giddiness and good-feelings right now. I'm listening to some good music, I'm thinking about all the art I want to make over the summer, and there's apple pie in the fridge downstairs. I don't mean to sound like those obnoxious happy people that nobody can stand, but please, bear with me. I'm normally enveloped by this aura of self-loathing, so this is a pleasant reprieve.
Also? Got my order from Teefury.com today. They had a grab bag event awhile ago, where you could buy up to 12 printed t-shirts for $6 each, so I ordered 4. I got:
-a Ravenclaw shirt (not overly thrilled, to be honest. I'm going to find someone to give it to)
-a TMNT shirt
-a Regular Show shirt (did not expect this AT ALL. Super stoked)
-a Firefly shirt (I almost bought this one earlier, and so did Chanel. Lucky x10000000000)
So it's been a good day.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
A Day At A Time
Well, there you have it, folks. It's been one whole year since Yasaman (Autumn) Rahnamay died. I can actually remember sitting down and writing the blog entry for March 8th 2011. (Again, I'm sorry Yasaman, but I just can't call you Autumn. It feels wrong, like I'm talking about a different person). I remember reading somewhere that the first year is always the hardest, because you're just constantly thinking "This time last year, she was still alive." Maybe it'll be easier from now on. Less fucked up.
Nah.
I would be a liar if I said that Yasaman's death hadn't changed me. And I feel guilty for that almost every day, because really, who am I to feel so fucked up about this? We were friends in grade 8 and part of grade 9, and then I never saw her again. Her parents and brother and family are allowed to feel like this. Her new friends from Port Coquitlam and SFU are allowed to feel like this. I feel like I'm just some schmuck getting choked up about it all the time. I feel like I'm being a pussy.
I did think of a reason why this might be bothering me so much, obvious reasons aside. See, I had never experienced the death of someone close to me before. My grandparents were all dead by the time I was 6 years old, and while I can remember bits and pieces of my nonna's funeral, it didn't have an impact on me at all. Yasaman is the first of people I would consider close to me to die. Other people have, by now, at least been old enough to see their grandparents die and have it affect them. But this is the first instance in my life where death hit really close to home.
Even a year past, I still think about her almost every day. She's become a sort of driving force for me. A month before she died, Yasaman commented on a picture that I'd drawn and posted on Facebook. "Proportion = excellent", and then you implied that my stuff reminded you of Alex Grey's work. I think about that comment a lot, whenever I'm feeling like a failure of an artist. Actually, I was always jealous of the doodles she would make when we were in school together. Just little things, but they were so amazing. I was surprised that she never pursued art (Guess you had more sense than that, huh?). She drew me something once, but I've since lost it. Damn.
I have changed though, somewhere in my psyche. I am now terrified of the people around me dying, especially Max and my family. And what's more fucked up? I've imagined all the funerals, for everyone. You too, Tanis. I know. That's fucked up, right? I just feel like I'm hyper aware of death now. I collect the goddamn obituaries out of newspapers now (only from The Province). I've done tons of independent research on mourning practices from other cultures and different forms of burial. Also, I'm having a hard time keeping it in my head that she;s dead. I forget a lot, or think that I just imagined the whole thing. It's stupid. I have to remind myself, and remember the funeral to make it stick. God, that funeral... It's going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Her tiny casket...
The only thing that has flourished from Yasaman's death (remember I said that I don't like all the cop-out terms people use about death? Yeah, I still don't like them) is that I have become much more in touch my atheism, and that brings me a lot of peace. I looked into that a lot too, and started reading books on the subject and thinking more about it. I know Yasaman isn't in any afterlife, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Though I will admit that I frequently want to know what certain stages of decomposition look like. I KNOW, OKAY? I KNOW. IT'S FUCKED. I CAN'T HELP IT. Yet I can't bring myself to Google such things, because as much of an atheist as I am, I'm still a human being that would rather remember her friend has the absolutely gorgeous young woman that she was, rather than what she's becoming. Also, I think Yasaman would appreciate the grisliness of this.
...Okay, I know I mentioned this before in an April 17th post from last year, but I frequently like to imagine her as a ghost. Yes, it goes against what I believe, but it makes me happy in a bittersweet way. I am going to write a comic book one day with her (or someone like her; I wouldn't want to tarnish her memory in any way) with this as the plot: Ghost of a recently deceased girl gets the chance to roam around the world and see places and things she otherwise never would have been able to experience. She could talk to all her long dead idols, and hell, let's throw a cute ghost boy in there for good measure. I could wish for just one thing to be true, I would wish for this. That she was still seeing things, more than the living could ever hope to see.
Ahhh, sad thoughts for a sad night. It's stupidly late now, and I wanted to write something more deserving of her, but I'm spent for now. I still cry, Yasaman. I still remember. I think I'm going to try and find that roadside memorial and leave you some flowers. If you could still think I know you tell me I'm being dumb. Oh well, guess I'm just a dumb girl then.
Everyone misses you.
Yasaman (Autumn) Rahnamay
November 3rd, 1990 - March 8th, 2011
PS. I watched "Life in a Day" a couple of hours ago. Remember on Youtube, they wanted everyone to film a day in their lives for July 24th, 2010. They made an amazing documentary out of it. I cried more than once, sometimes because something was so nice and beautiful, and sometimes because things were so sad. I will warn you, there are a few things in there that are not for the faint of heart. But you should watch it, because it's a beautiful time capsule of a day in our world. This song from it is amazing, and makes me feel... hopeful? Something along those lines.
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