Drawing again: Feels good. I can see how much better I've gotten. Onward to glory!
This song: Amazing amazing, though your version is still my favourite, Christina.
Time to go to bed now because I have work at 8am: Bleh. My dad thinks that we should have 36 hour days. While this is obviously impossible, I can certainly see the benefit. So much to do, and there's never enough time.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
There's Always That
Well, I've once again spent the entire day sitting in front of my computer. It normally feels satisfying, but today seemed kind of lackluster. The saddest part is that I am honestly too shy to call up my own friends and see what they're doing.
Self loathing engaged? Self loathing engaged!
At least I drew some cool pictures today.There's always that.
Self loathing engaged? Self loathing engaged!
At least I drew some cool pictures today.There's always that.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Maybe You Will Say You Love Me Now
Here's a silly old poem I wrote a long time ago:
Haha, oh dear. I used to make up things like these all the time. I don't write as much as I used to, which is really a shame. But I will let you in on a secret. I... I have been writing a fan fiction. Go ahead! Mock me! See if I care! I'm really enjoying it, actually. I started it about a year or two ago, and just rememebered about it recently, so here wo go again. I want to get the whole thing written out before I publish it on FanFiction.
So maybe you want to know what it's about? You could probably guess, if you knew me well enough. It is about Fallout (more specifically, Fallout: New Vegas). My love for this game knows no end. Have you ever written a fan fiction before, or anything similar? It's actually really fun! There are some spectacular ones out there that I've read, especially when they have all their facts right. It's a great writing exercise too, for any wannabe-writers out there.
Not too much going on recently. I've been drawing more, and come up with another comic idea that may be a keeper. But as usual, I'm afraid to get it started because I hate how I eventually lose interest in everything and stop before it goes anywhere good. I like this idea though, so maybe I'll actually get it done. We'll see.
Alright, I'm kind of procrastinating right now. I should be cleaning and packing a bag, because my family is going camping on Galiano Island tomorrow for the weekend. But there's so much internet to see! So much writing to get done! So much music to listen to! So many videos to watch!
PS. have you ever listened to Darwin Deez? I finally bought one of his albums after listening to him on Youtube forever, and discovered this total gem. Not only is it a beautiful song, but it totally reminds me of Fallout. Nuclear apocalypse references? Yes please!
I'm not anti-girl, I'm anti-bitch
I'm not anti-truth, I'm anti-snitch
I'm not anti-faith, I'm anti-stupid
I'm not anti-love, I'm anti-cupid.
Haha, oh dear. I used to make up things like these all the time. I don't write as much as I used to, which is really a shame. But I will let you in on a secret. I... I have been writing a fan fiction. Go ahead! Mock me! See if I care! I'm really enjoying it, actually. I started it about a year or two ago, and just rememebered about it recently, so here wo go again. I want to get the whole thing written out before I publish it on FanFiction.
So maybe you want to know what it's about? You could probably guess, if you knew me well enough. It is about Fallout (more specifically, Fallout: New Vegas). My love for this game knows no end. Have you ever written a fan fiction before, or anything similar? It's actually really fun! There are some spectacular ones out there that I've read, especially when they have all their facts right. It's a great writing exercise too, for any wannabe-writers out there.
Not too much going on recently. I've been drawing more, and come up with another comic idea that may be a keeper. But as usual, I'm afraid to get it started because I hate how I eventually lose interest in everything and stop before it goes anywhere good. I like this idea though, so maybe I'll actually get it done. We'll see.
Alright, I'm kind of procrastinating right now. I should be cleaning and packing a bag, because my family is going camping on Galiano Island tomorrow for the weekend. But there's so much internet to see! So much writing to get done! So much music to listen to! So many videos to watch!
PS. have you ever listened to Darwin Deez? I finally bought one of his albums after listening to him on Youtube forever, and discovered this total gem. Not only is it a beautiful song, but it totally reminds me of Fallout. Nuclear apocalypse references? Yes please!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Who's That Girl?
Stupid girl. Where are all your blog posts? Where's the fame, the glory? Where's your insight?
Stop stalling, girl, and get your shit together. Get writing, get drawing, get out there. Come on.
Be back soon, you guys.
Stop stalling, girl, and get your shit together. Get writing, get drawing, get out there. Come on.
Be back soon, you guys.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Persistent Thoughts
This dark mood persists.
I'm just sitting here, brooding. Will I ever grow out of this bullshit? The week-long self-loathing benders, specifically. Do you just wake up one day, and never again think of yourself as a useless, talentless, futureless, hopeless, plain, fat sack of guts?
Most of the time I really do like myself, but more and more frequently I just keep coming back to this shadowy corner of my mind and stay there for awhile. I know this sounds super needy, but I constantly need reassurance from other people that I'm better than the way I think of myself, and I HATE it. I hate that I have to hear it from other people and sound like an attention whore, and I hate that I can't tell myself these things when I'm having anything less than a great day. I need to hear that I'm funny and smart and pretty and talented, and that need makes me feel low.
My birthday's coming up next week, on the 29th, and I don't even care. I'm not going to do anything fun (well, I will hang out with Max all day, so that's fun), but I wish I was normal enough to do something cool for my birthday. Like have a party. Or go to a bar. Or dancing. But I can't, because even when I do go to places like that, I become so consumed with anxiety that it sucks all the joy out of everything.
I've got very conflicting views. Most of the time I want to stand out, and rise above average, but now I seem to be gravitating more towards this desire to be normal. What went wrong? Why did I stay awkward and weird while everyone else graduated to normal? Rachel's normal. Fuck, even Peter is normal. Why am I the only affected sibling?
This is a very shallow thought, but I know if I lost 20lbs I could love myself all the time. Because even if I grow up talentless and futureless, at least I'll be skinny. As I type this, I can feel decades of feminists shaking their heads at me. Well, fuck them. It would just be nice, okay?
Maybe I'll feel better after a couple hours of sleep.
I'm just sitting here, brooding. Will I ever grow out of this bullshit? The week-long self-loathing benders, specifically. Do you just wake up one day, and never again think of yourself as a useless, talentless, futureless, hopeless, plain, fat sack of guts?
Most of the time I really do like myself, but more and more frequently I just keep coming back to this shadowy corner of my mind and stay there for awhile. I know this sounds super needy, but I constantly need reassurance from other people that I'm better than the way I think of myself, and I HATE it. I hate that I have to hear it from other people and sound like an attention whore, and I hate that I can't tell myself these things when I'm having anything less than a great day. I need to hear that I'm funny and smart and pretty and talented, and that need makes me feel low.
My birthday's coming up next week, on the 29th, and I don't even care. I'm not going to do anything fun (well, I will hang out with Max all day, so that's fun), but I wish I was normal enough to do something cool for my birthday. Like have a party. Or go to a bar. Or dancing. But I can't, because even when I do go to places like that, I become so consumed with anxiety that it sucks all the joy out of everything.
I've got very conflicting views. Most of the time I want to stand out, and rise above average, but now I seem to be gravitating more towards this desire to be normal. What went wrong? Why did I stay awkward and weird while everyone else graduated to normal? Rachel's normal. Fuck, even Peter is normal. Why am I the only affected sibling?
This is a very shallow thought, but I know if I lost 20lbs I could love myself all the time. Because even if I grow up talentless and futureless, at least I'll be skinny. As I type this, I can feel decades of feminists shaking their heads at me. Well, fuck them. It would just be nice, okay?
Maybe I'll feel better after a couple hours of sleep.
Monday, June 18, 2012
A Dark Mood
Sometimes I let myself get into these very dark moods. Something
mundane always sets it off. A song. A passage in a book. An anxious
thought. It sweeps up on me and then I am overcome and it is too late to
get out.
Today it was a song called A Penny at a Time, and the chapter in the first of the Anne of Green Gables series. Now I'm sitting here critically looking out over the mountains, the charm of the day gone. I think about my Art History final on Thursday, that I've prepared little for. If I fail, I won't be able to go back to my Fine Arts program in the fall and be with my lovely friends. I should have bought the textbook for that class, but it was $80 and while I suppose I could have afforded it, I didn't want to struggle with the resutling broke-ness that would follow. I don't know what failing will do to me. I just love going to school so much. Really, I don't truly think I'll fail, because I've been to every class and took extensive notes, and I have a knack for pulling through in situations like that, but there's a little dark fear that's constantly shadowing me.
These dark moods always make me think about Yasaman. It's not been quite a year and a half, but she's still always on the edge of my thoughts. Not as sad as before, not as bitter, but still there. She makes me think about my own future death. I know this sounds odd, but it's funny to think that we'll all die some day, isn't it? It's something we try very hard to ignore. However, I think I can comfortably state that I am not afraid of death. The dying part is unnerving, to be concious that you're in the midst of your final minutes. But the death part isn't terrifying to me. You won't be aware of it anyway, so what's to be scared about? Actually, what comforts me the most is how incredibly mundane death and dying is. It's just a process that has been happening for a millenia, and will continue to keep happening after.
What's really important to me aboutmy own death is the way my body is dealt with. Now, as anyone could tell by reading this blog, I am a staunch atheist, so no heaven for me, and even if there is, I don't want to go. Ever since I read about eco-friendly burials, it's been what I've wanted. The whole point is that you will eventually erode within the earth, and become dirt. I think it's wonderful. The way burials happen today pretty much just doom your corpse to become toxic sludge in a cement-lined casket, and that to me is a more abhorrent thought than Hell any day.
As for the envirmonental aspects of this, I'm going to confess that I really couldn't care about that. It's nice that they're so harmless, but that wasn't the selling point for me. I just feel that it's really important for me to "return to the earth". That will be my rebirth. Before, my only worry was the availability of cemeteries that would allow something like this. I know they have special "green" cemeteries scattered around the country, but I worried that they were too far and few between. I don't want to be buried somewhere too far away from those left behind, and I don't think I could bear to be buried anywhere but my Vancouver. Turns out though that Mountain View Cemetery, just over on Fraser Street, is a "hybrid cemetery", meaning as well as conventional burials, they also allow eco-friendly ones. I would have prefered the one closer to the house that I grew up in, Ocean View (I'm sensing a theme here), but I read an article that says more and more cemeteries are beginning to allow the practice, and I don't plan on dying for a very long time, so maybe it will be available to me when I get there.
Morbid food for thought, huh? It just strikes me as a perfectly normal thing to talk about and think about, though. I told Max already, that if I suddenly died, that was the way I wanted to be buried and that he had to make sure my wishes were carried out. I don't think he likes talking about this sort of thing though. Unsurprisingly, not many people do. Oh well.
I feel much better now, though still worried about the exam. Why am I such a dunce? Why can't I ever learn to not leave things to the last minute? Maybe one day I'll grow up for real and be over that.
A Penny at a Time - Matthew Hubert
Today it was a song called A Penny at a Time, and the chapter in the first of the Anne of Green Gables series. Now I'm sitting here critically looking out over the mountains, the charm of the day gone. I think about my Art History final on Thursday, that I've prepared little for. If I fail, I won't be able to go back to my Fine Arts program in the fall and be with my lovely friends. I should have bought the textbook for that class, but it was $80 and while I suppose I could have afforded it, I didn't want to struggle with the resutling broke-ness that would follow. I don't know what failing will do to me. I just love going to school so much. Really, I don't truly think I'll fail, because I've been to every class and took extensive notes, and I have a knack for pulling through in situations like that, but there's a little dark fear that's constantly shadowing me.
These dark moods always make me think about Yasaman. It's not been quite a year and a half, but she's still always on the edge of my thoughts. Not as sad as before, not as bitter, but still there. She makes me think about my own future death. I know this sounds odd, but it's funny to think that we'll all die some day, isn't it? It's something we try very hard to ignore. However, I think I can comfortably state that I am not afraid of death. The dying part is unnerving, to be concious that you're in the midst of your final minutes. But the death part isn't terrifying to me. You won't be aware of it anyway, so what's to be scared about? Actually, what comforts me the most is how incredibly mundane death and dying is. It's just a process that has been happening for a millenia, and will continue to keep happening after.
What's really important to me aboutmy own death is the way my body is dealt with. Now, as anyone could tell by reading this blog, I am a staunch atheist, so no heaven for me, and even if there is, I don't want to go. Ever since I read about eco-friendly burials, it's been what I've wanted. The whole point is that you will eventually erode within the earth, and become dirt. I think it's wonderful. The way burials happen today pretty much just doom your corpse to become toxic sludge in a cement-lined casket, and that to me is a more abhorrent thought than Hell any day.
As for the envirmonental aspects of this, I'm going to confess that I really couldn't care about that. It's nice that they're so harmless, but that wasn't the selling point for me. I just feel that it's really important for me to "return to the earth". That will be my rebirth. Before, my only worry was the availability of cemeteries that would allow something like this. I know they have special "green" cemeteries scattered around the country, but I worried that they were too far and few between. I don't want to be buried somewhere too far away from those left behind, and I don't think I could bear to be buried anywhere but my Vancouver. Turns out though that Mountain View Cemetery, just over on Fraser Street, is a "hybrid cemetery", meaning as well as conventional burials, they also allow eco-friendly ones. I would have prefered the one closer to the house that I grew up in, Ocean View (I'm sensing a theme here), but I read an article that says more and more cemeteries are beginning to allow the practice, and I don't plan on dying for a very long time, so maybe it will be available to me when I get there.
Morbid food for thought, huh? It just strikes me as a perfectly normal thing to talk about and think about, though. I told Max already, that if I suddenly died, that was the way I wanted to be buried and that he had to make sure my wishes were carried out. I don't think he likes talking about this sort of thing though. Unsurprisingly, not many people do. Oh well.
I feel much better now, though still worried about the exam. Why am I such a dunce? Why can't I ever learn to not leave things to the last minute? Maybe one day I'll grow up for real and be over that.
A Penny at a Time - Matthew Hubert
Thursday, May 31, 2012
LA Recap and Most Glorious Minecraft
Alright, so I've done it. I had a lovely vacation with Max in LA. Did I seen the sights? Did I mingle with the people and feel the heartbeat of the city?
Nah.
I don't want to go into great detail about the whole thing, but it was a really fun trip. Didn't see too many major things, except for Grauman's Chinese Theatre, and all the celebrity cement handprints, which was really cool. The total highlights of that was getting to touch the ones made by the Marx Brothers and John Wayne. Sounds lame, but it did give me shivers. While we were in Anaheim, I didn't get to go to Disneyland because it cost too much money, and Max was judging the Anaheim MTG Grand Prix, so I mostly hung out by myself and played a lot of Minecraft. I did get to meet all of this judge friends, and they were all really nice people! I've heard so much about all of them from Max that I felt like I already knew them. I just wish I hadn't been so fucking shy. See, sometimes I so outspoken that it's kind of ridiculous, but others times I just clam up and become a bundle of anxiety. It was cool to see Max working too, because you can see how much he cares about running a good event. Also, he looks handsome in his judge shirt.
I've actually kind of caved to the idea of learning how to play Magic. The only reason I've resisted for so long is because I really hate looking bad at things, and it seems like there are a lot of complicated rules to Magic. I didn't want to look like that typical girl, who's only playing because her boyfriend does. Magic is also Max's thing, and I didn't want him to feel like I was smothering him at all. But seeing the Grand Prix made it look like a lot of fun, so I'm going to give it a go. I know Max is probably overjoyed that I've finally given in after 5 years.
So all of that was fun, but really, the greatest part of the vacation was 5 consecutive days with Max. And the second greatest part was the Hilton hotel we stayed at in Anaheim. I wanted to pull some Ocean's 11 shit and steal that bed. It was just about the greatest thing I've ever slept in.
Now I'm back, and real life creeps in once again. I got fucked over with my taxes, and the bastards said I've been "disallowed" for my Working Income Tax Benefit. That was going to be almost $800 that I could have used to pay for school in September! And they gave it to me every other year, so I don't see what the problem was. They didn't even tell me why I was disallowed, only that I should refer to lines 323 and 5658 of my tax package. So there's that hardship, but it's not really the end of the world. I'll just have to work even harder this summer to save up enough money for it. I'm not too worried, it's just that that money would have made everything a little bit easier.
You may have noticed that I mentioned Minecraft up there. I will readily admit that I am seriously obsessed with playing. It's kind of bad because I'm getting absolutely nothing done, but it's great because... because Minecraft. What's that? You don't play Minecraft? Well you fucking should. I could go on and on about the most sick mountain fortress I've created, and the journey I'm about to go on to find an NPC village so I can steal all of their things, but not tonight. It's already very late, and I've got some crafting to do, and some supplies to gather. And you know, sleep and all that good stuff.
I'll just leave this here.
Nah.
I don't want to go into great detail about the whole thing, but it was a really fun trip. Didn't see too many major things, except for Grauman's Chinese Theatre, and all the celebrity cement handprints, which was really cool. The total highlights of that was getting to touch the ones made by the Marx Brothers and John Wayne. Sounds lame, but it did give me shivers. While we were in Anaheim, I didn't get to go to Disneyland because it cost too much money, and Max was judging the Anaheim MTG Grand Prix, so I mostly hung out by myself and played a lot of Minecraft. I did get to meet all of this judge friends, and they were all really nice people! I've heard so much about all of them from Max that I felt like I already knew them. I just wish I hadn't been so fucking shy. See, sometimes I so outspoken that it's kind of ridiculous, but others times I just clam up and become a bundle of anxiety. It was cool to see Max working too, because you can see how much he cares about running a good event. Also, he looks handsome in his judge shirt.
I've actually kind of caved to the idea of learning how to play Magic. The only reason I've resisted for so long is because I really hate looking bad at things, and it seems like there are a lot of complicated rules to Magic. I didn't want to look like that typical girl, who's only playing because her boyfriend does. Magic is also Max's thing, and I didn't want him to feel like I was smothering him at all. But seeing the Grand Prix made it look like a lot of fun, so I'm going to give it a go. I know Max is probably overjoyed that I've finally given in after 5 years.
So all of that was fun, but really, the greatest part of the vacation was 5 consecutive days with Max. And the second greatest part was the Hilton hotel we stayed at in Anaheim. I wanted to pull some Ocean's 11 shit and steal that bed. It was just about the greatest thing I've ever slept in.
Now I'm back, and real life creeps in once again. I got fucked over with my taxes, and the bastards said I've been "disallowed" for my Working Income Tax Benefit. That was going to be almost $800 that I could have used to pay for school in September! And they gave it to me every other year, so I don't see what the problem was. They didn't even tell me why I was disallowed, only that I should refer to lines 323 and 5658 of my tax package. So there's that hardship, but it's not really the end of the world. I'll just have to work even harder this summer to save up enough money for it. I'm not too worried, it's just that that money would have made everything a little bit easier.
You may have noticed that I mentioned Minecraft up there. I will readily admit that I am seriously obsessed with playing. It's kind of bad because I'm getting absolutely nothing done, but it's great because... because Minecraft. What's that? You don't play Minecraft? Well you fucking should. I could go on and on about the most sick mountain fortress I've created, and the journey I'm about to go on to find an NPC village so I can steal all of their things, but not tonight. It's already very late, and I've got some crafting to do, and some supplies to gather. And you know, sleep and all that good stuff.
I'll just leave this here.
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