Worrier

I'm a worrier. It's what I do. It's something I've always been good at, even as a child, which is probably really unhealthy, for a child to worry so much. But I was always worrying about something stupid or other. I used to worry a lot about moving. I don't know where the fear came from, but I started having bad dreams about moving away from my house. I wasn't even worried that we would leave the city and move to another one. Just that we would leave our house.

The worrying got greater and greater, especially in highschool, that I would regularly have to fight back panic. I began to worry about everything, chiefly being about being late. To combat this, I would show up everywhere upwards of one hour early, because hey, being early was better than being late.

It got worse and worse and worse... until I met Max. Now, Max is a man who worries about nothing. I'm not kidding. This is not an exaggeration. Max does not worry. I don't think I've ever seen anything phase him. He has an answer for everything, and goes about his life with a very cool demeanor. It's incredibly interesting, and most amazingly, it's started to rub off on me.

It's an awesome feeling, not to worry. I have a midterm tomorrow at 3:30, for History of Western Art II, and I am not worried. The way my teacher teaches is not from the textbook, but from her own notes. You have to take extensive notes while she's talking, which can be a pain, but it's actually pretty useful because everything is in your head then. You were listening to everything she said, and then writing it all down. So I know that I know everything, and I'll be okay. The Lisa of younger years would have been freaked right the fuck out now, but the Lisa that has been influenced by Max is one cool customer.

I don't know where I was going with this, haha, but I want to get into the habit of writing all the time. And hey! My friend Paul started a podcast! It's about all the things that I'm interested in (ie video games, internet stuff, card games, comics, etc), and you should listen to it if you also are interested in those things.

Millenia

You know what makes me really sad? People who don't believe in Evolution. Sure, they make me pretty mad too, because COME ON, guys. Covering your ears and shouting "LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOUUU" will only get you so far in life. But mostly they make me sad. Why?

This is a pikaia. It is one of the earliest chordates to have existed, roughly 500 million years ago. Posessing a notochord (aw yeah, I still remember my grade 11 biology), it is a distant ancestor of humans, since we belong to the phylum Chordata as well.

Isn't that amazing? A long, long, incredibly long time ago, that was us. Just a dumb looking worm swimming about in the ocean. Personally, I find this incredibly beautiful. Not the worm, he's kind of gross, but the entire process. I love sitting back and thinking about the transition that life has made of all these millenia.It's exciting, especially to think of where everything will be going in the future.

I think that some people tend to feel belittled or insignificant in the face of such enormity, and choose to ignore it in favour of "grander" theories, like Creation. But how can all this progress not be grand?! How can people not see the beauty in this slow transformation that we all get to be a part  of? I am constantly humbled, and then proud and puffed up. I worry that people don't value themselves the way they should sometimes, and the vastness of life before, life now and life to come makes them feel unimportant. It's a sad attitude to adopt. I know I have some very blunt attitudes myself towards things like this (we are just a speck in the universe, etc), but in more positive moods, I can recognize that we are all valuable stepping stones in life, in evolution.

My absolute favourite fact about the universe came to me through Neil deGrasse Tyson. It's a popular video, so you may have seen it before, but I can never get tired of watching it.

I just want people, all people, to be able to look at the world, at the universe, at life, and be able to feel what I feel whenever I think about these things. It's a great feeling.


Whoo! It's been a long time since I wrote here! I've just been so busy with school. In fact, I really should have been doing about three different things instead of writing this post, but this was more fun. More again soon! I have a bone to pick with philosophy, and you'll hear aaaall about it.

You Are Nothing What You Seem

Drawing again: Feels good. I can see how much better I've gotten. Onward to glory!
This song: Amazing amazing, though your version is still my favourite, Christina.
Time to go to bed now because I have work at 8am: Bleh. My dad thinks that we should have 36 hour days. While this is obviously impossible, I can certainly see the benefit. So much to do, and there's never enough time.

There's Always That

Well, I've once again spent the entire day sitting in front of my computer. It normally feels satisfying, but today seemed kind of lackluster. The saddest part is that I am honestly too shy to call up my own friends and see what they're doing.

Self loathing engaged? Self loathing engaged!

At least I drew some cool pictures today.There's always that.

Maybe You Will Say You Love Me Now

Here's a silly old poem I wrote a long time ago:

I'm not anti-girl, I'm anti-bitch
I'm not anti-truth, I'm anti-snitch
I'm not anti-faith, I'm anti-stupid
I'm not anti-love, I'm anti-cupid.

Haha, oh dear. I used to make up things like these all the time. I don't write as much as I used to, which is really a shame. But I will let you in on a secret. I... I have been writing a fan fiction. Go ahead! Mock me! See if I care! I'm really enjoying it, actually. I started it about a year or two ago, and just rememebered about it recently, so here wo go again. I want to get the whole thing written out before I publish it on FanFiction.

So maybe you want to know what it's about? You could probably guess, if you knew me well enough. It is about Fallout (more specifically, Fallout: New Vegas). My love for this game knows no end. Have you ever written a fan fiction before, or anything similar? It's actually really fun! There are some spectacular ones out there that I've read, especially when they have all their facts right. It's a great writing exercise too, for any wannabe-writers out there.

Not too much going on recently. I've been drawing more, and come up with another comic idea that may be a keeper. But as usual, I'm afraid to get it started because I hate how I eventually lose interest in everything and stop before it goes anywhere good. I like this idea though, so maybe I'll actually get it done. We'll see.

Alright, I'm kind of procrastinating right now. I should be cleaning and packing a bag, because my family is going camping on Galiano Island tomorrow for the weekend. But there's so much internet to see! So much writing to get done! So much music to listen to! So many videos to watch!

PS. have you ever listened to Darwin Deez? I finally bought one of his albums after listening to him on Youtube forever, and discovered this total gem. Not only is it a beautiful song, but it totally reminds me of Fallout. Nuclear apocalypse references? Yes please!

Who's That Girl?

Stupid girl. Where are all your blog posts? Where's the fame, the glory? Where's your insight?
Stop stalling, girl, and get your shit together. Get writing, get drawing, get out there. Come on. 


Be back soon, you guys.

Persistent Thoughts

This dark mood persists.

I'm just sitting here, brooding. Will I ever grow out of this bullshit? The week-long self-loathing benders, specifically. Do you just wake up one day, and never again think of yourself as a useless, talentless, futureless, hopeless, plain, fat sack of guts?

Most of the time I really do like myself, but more and more frequently I just keep coming back to this shadowy corner of my mind and stay there for awhile. I know this sounds super needy, but I constantly need reassurance from other people that I'm better than the way I think of myself, and I HATE it. I hate that I have to hear it from other people and sound like an attention whore, and I hate that I can't tell myself these things when I'm having anything less than a great day. I need to hear that I'm funny and smart and pretty and talented, and that need makes me feel low.


My birthday's coming up next week, on the 29th, and I don't even care. I'm not going to do anything fun (well, I will hang out with Max all day, so that's fun), but I wish I was normal enough to do something cool for my birthday. Like have a party. Or go to a bar. Or dancing. But I can't, because even when I do go to places like that, I become so consumed with anxiety that it sucks all the joy out of everything.

I've got very conflicting views. Most of the time I want to stand out, and rise above average, but now I seem to be gravitating more towards this desire to be normal. What went wrong? Why did I stay awkward and weird while everyone else graduated to normal? Rachel's normal. Fuck, even Peter is normal. Why am I the only affected sibling?

This is a very shallow thought, but I know if I lost 20lbs I could love myself all the time. Because even if I grow up talentless and futureless, at least I'll be skinny. As I type this, I can feel decades of feminists shaking their heads at me. Well, fuck them. It would just be nice, okay?

Maybe I'll feel better after a couple hours of sleep.