Cherchez La Femme

I'd like to talk about a subject that I am very sensitive to. Normally I wouldn't even discuss it, because I feel like talking about it is just feeding the beast. But I decided that that's silly, and I can talk about whatever I like, and if you don't like it, well, then I don't like you.

Hi, my name is Lisa, and I'm a girl nerd.

Or or nerd girl? Or geek girl? Or... or something? See, I'm even hesitant to name it, because the second you call yourself a "girl geek" or whatever, you're setting yourself up for adversity. You cannot call yourself a "girl geek" or anything similar without feeling that, somewhere out there in the world, someone is rolling their eyes at the term. We all know what the so-called "girl geeks" are. They're wannabes, they're phonies, and most of all, they are not REAL fans.

But I'm NOT a phony! I am a real fan! Fuck labels! Why do I need to differentiate myself from others by tacking the "girl" part in there? Why can't we all just be geeks or nerds or whatever we want together? But at the same time, why can't I call myself whatever I like? I'm a girl, who also happens to be fairly (read: extremely) geeky. If I want to call myself a "girl geek" or anything similar, I should be allowed to without fear of judgement from others.

This is the train of thought that keeps me torn. I want to distance myself from stereotypes, but at the same time, I want to be able to call myself whatever the hell I please. And while there are definitely living, breathing stereotypes of these types of girls out there (ex. grrl gamerz), and we've definitely all met them before, there are also boys who could be classified as wannabes, phonies, and less than die-hard fans.

I was raised by two parents who were into pretty much nothing that I'm into. They did a great job at nurturing my creativty and imagination by kicking me out of the house all day and letting me ramble about the woods with my siblings, but they did not expose me to pop culture, video games, comics and all that jazz. I had to discover these things on my own. That's why I did not play through my first video game until I was 18 (excluding the different variations of Pokemon that I and everyone else in my generation played as children). I didn't watch the right shows, or movies, so a lot of references are lost on me. I've never watched an entire episode of Doctor Who, because frankly, the years and years of already existing story is intimidating to catch up on. I've recently started playing Magic, but only because Max introduced me to it, and I am hyper-aware of the stereotype that exists of girls playing Magic only because their boyfriends got them into it. Yeah, Max is the big reason why I was exposed to the game, but I also think it's really cool.

I'm incredibly tired of people remarking how unusual it is for a girl to take part in the traditional male world of geekdom. I cannot wear a shirt with references to a game that I like without at least one person remarking on it. I have a beautiful Portal 2 shirt that I no longer wear to work because I'm tired of talking to people about it. An older couple once asked me what my shirt was of. I gave them a brief explanation ("A game I like called Portal), and then had to explain to them the concept of Portal. Have you ever had to do that? It's not as easy as one would think. They didn't even know what a portal was. And after I told them about it, I was rewarded with "Gee, it's so nice that they're making more games for girls these days." Sigh. They also added "Not like those horrible, violent shooting games. You don't play those, do you?" They looked pretty sure that I would agree with them that, yes, shooting games are horrible and violent, and no, I certainly do no play them. But:

"Oh, no, I do play them. A lot. And I'm really good at them." They were polite, but visibly disapproving.

This is trivial. This is an occurence that happens less than 10% of the time to me, and therefore should no matter. But it DOES matter. It matters to me! I'm tired of being belittled over the subject. And it's starting to get into my head. Recently, I did some investigating into the subject of larping. I knew what larping basically was (for the uninitated: LARP stands for Live Action Role-Playing), but never really knew what it was all about. I go (or went, rather) to school with a boy who said he did it quite frequently, then ran into him at Fan Expo in his larping outfit, and later had a conversation with another boy about it at work. So there it was, stuck in my head, and I did some reading.

So, it's probably like the coolest thing ever, right? RIGHT! I want to do this so badly! I'm dead serious. This looks like my kind of activity, 100%. I was daydreaming about how much fun I would have, the cool people I might meet, and how it looks like decent exercise to boot, and then...

But what would they think of me? Some random, stupid girl that wants to inflitrate their hobby? I wouldn't know anything to start off, and they would see me as some dumb poser.

Thanks for that, society. You did it. You conditioned me into thinking that I can't participate in something because people will judge me for my gender.

Anyone who knows me, knows that i'm not one to harp on about how women are still mistreated by society. Mostly, it doesn't effect me. But everytime one of those thoughts pops into my mind, and everytime a stranger tells me "What's that going to be like for a girl in a man's world?" in relation to my desire to make comics, it does effect me. And I don't like it.


So as I get more into Magic, more into comics, more into games, and cosplay, and movies and tv shows and hell, maybe even larping, I'm going to shrug off this mentality; that I can't be good enough for the things that I like because I'm a girl, and that geekdom is a boys-only club that requires me to prove myself before I join. i can do whatever I want and be good at it to boot, girl or not.

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Sorry if I totally started to ramble towards the end there. Truth is my attention span is too small to handle long posts, and my interest wanes. But this was something I've been increasingly thinking about, so it needed to be said.

Also, +10 points if you saw the Fallout reference.

Art! Projects! Exciting!

For the first time in what feels like a million years, I actually hung out with my friends outside of school. Sarah, Chanel and I went and had a delicious sushi lunch, and then goofed off in Michael's for almost 2 hours. It was glorious.

I bought some excellent things (that I didn't really need, mind you), because now that school is over, I need to keep myself occupied with projects. I bought:

-a 5" x 7" linoleum block, which I'm going to use to make my own personal bookplate

-embroidery thread and a hoop, so I can embroider something pretty for someone's birthday, and experiment with the medium for future projects

-gouache! I know it can be tricky to work with, but it looks very beautiful, and all the cool illustrators are using it, so I guess I better give it a shot too

-tiny canvases, 2" x 2", because I'm a sucker for cute small things. I'm thinking mini portraits of Adventure Time characters for Rachel

I have so many things I want to do. I'm going to continue with printmaking, and Chanel and I are going to build ourselves exposure tables over the summer. I want to do an entire project on exploring how to make my own supplies and materials from local natural ingredients. Papers, inks, you name it, I'm going to try it out. I want to get a grant to help me travel around the coast and gather materials and make all this shit. I really want to make my own stamps! I want to get a table at a craft fair and sell my things and make mad dollars. I want to find a studio space with my friends and get cracking on all these great projects.

I want to get going with this art thing!

The Bird... Ressurected?!

Oh, hey! I bet you all thought I died, didn't you? Well, you would be wrong. I'm still like, super alive over here. The only reason I'm updating now is because... CLASSES ARE OVER! I did it! I finished my 2 year program. All that's left now is preparing for the grad show, and that is going to be a cake walk compared to the last 2 weeks. For example, yesterday, I was awake for 31 hours, then slept for 15.5 hours. I feel waay better, but it feels like the middle of the day already, and it's only 10am.

I can talk more about school later, so I will. In the meantime...

Max and I are moving out this summer! When exactly? Who knows! Where? Who knows! With what money? Who knows! But we're making it happen and it's very exciting.

Fan Expo is rolling around again, and I actually have a Pip-Boy to wear to it this year! Going to fix it all up and it's going to look totally awesome.

Tanis' friend, Christina, ended up being a massive cunt! Wow! Who knew that someone you liked so much could end up being such a worthless fucking bitch! Don't you love it when friends of one of your best friends ends up choosing the best friends emotionally and sexually abusive ex-boyfriend over hanging out with the best friend? Oh, right, NOBODY LOVES THAT! Good to know that your loyalty can be so easily bought, Christina, you actual sack of garbage! Yaaaaaaaay

We're having our year end barbeque at Stephen's house to celebrate on Friday. So much food, so many drinks, so many friends!

And now, off to work, and I'm actually not dreading it for once. Though I still feel awfully shakey from sleeping so much. I'm actually really looking forward to updating this blog again.

Art Jobs and School Worry

I am a bad, bad girl. No updates since October? But I do have to beg that you forgive me. School is a madhouse, all the time. I was really trying to give it my all this last semester, and boy, did it pay off.

Painting         A-
Serigraphy     A-
Art History     A-
Drawing         B+
Cult. Theory   B

Feels fucking good, you guys. I really managed to buckle down this time, and still managed to get a reasonable amount of sleep every night! But that meant absolutely no video games at all, since September. It was actually hard to ignore my Xbox sometimes, but I did it. And this coming semester? It's going to be even better. Because this is it. My final semester.

I get a little overwhelmed with panic from time to time, because after school is over... then what? More school? Emily Carr? Should I go to grad school? What the fuck is grad school? How am I going to get a job? What art related jobs are there? Did I make a mistake with art school? But what else would I do?

These are the questions that haunt my every day.

When school is done in April, I will be seeking out a new job. I do like working at Famous Foods, but I don't want to fall into the trap of staying with a job that's easy. Sure, it would be super easy to just stay at Famous Foods for years. There are more than a few people at the store that have done that. One lady has been there for 20 years. Another girl, closer to my age, has been there for 7. There are more than that have have been there for too damn long, and I can't let myself become that. The thought of leaving what I know and getting a new job does scare me. I'm not a fan of big changes. I like things to be constant and easy. But I'll doom myself if I don't leave. So I'm giving myself a deadline, and telling everyone about it. That always motivates me, telling everyone about something I plan to do, because then I will have to face the ultimate shame of letting everyone down if I don't go through with it.

But where... Where are these art jobs? So far everything I've seen is way out of my reach. I'm just too under-qualified. I know what I want to find, kind of, but I don't know where to find it. What I would like is to have a job that pays decently, at least $14-15 an hour, has regular hours and will let me work full time, and will allow me to be in contact with art, somehow. But what does that even mean?! Where do you find jobs like these? It's all confusing and scary, and I'm just some dopey newbie artist who doesn't even have a proper portfolio yet.

I will be searching like crazy for something in the meantime (should I work at a gallery? Do they pay well?), and also preparing for this last semester. The 2nd year Art Show is in April, and I've got a lot of work to do to get my submissions for it ready. One last semester. Just one more. I can do it.

Worrier

I'm a worrier. It's what I do. It's something I've always been good at, even as a child, which is probably really unhealthy, for a child to worry so much. But I was always worrying about something stupid or other. I used to worry a lot about moving. I don't know where the fear came from, but I started having bad dreams about moving away from my house. I wasn't even worried that we would leave the city and move to another one. Just that we would leave our house.

The worrying got greater and greater, especially in highschool, that I would regularly have to fight back panic. I began to worry about everything, chiefly being about being late. To combat this, I would show up everywhere upwards of one hour early, because hey, being early was better than being late.

It got worse and worse and worse... until I met Max. Now, Max is a man who worries about nothing. I'm not kidding. This is not an exaggeration. Max does not worry. I don't think I've ever seen anything phase him. He has an answer for everything, and goes about his life with a very cool demeanor. It's incredibly interesting, and most amazingly, it's started to rub off on me.

It's an awesome feeling, not to worry. I have a midterm tomorrow at 3:30, for History of Western Art II, and I am not worried. The way my teacher teaches is not from the textbook, but from her own notes. You have to take extensive notes while she's talking, which can be a pain, but it's actually pretty useful because everything is in your head then. You were listening to everything she said, and then writing it all down. So I know that I know everything, and I'll be okay. The Lisa of younger years would have been freaked right the fuck out now, but the Lisa that has been influenced by Max is one cool customer.

I don't know where I was going with this, haha, but I want to get into the habit of writing all the time. And hey! My friend Paul started a podcast! It's about all the things that I'm interested in (ie video games, internet stuff, card games, comics, etc), and you should listen to it if you also are interested in those things.

Millenia

You know what makes me really sad? People who don't believe in Evolution. Sure, they make me pretty mad too, because COME ON, guys. Covering your ears and shouting "LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOUUU" will only get you so far in life. But mostly they make me sad. Why?

This is a pikaia. It is one of the earliest chordates to have existed, roughly 500 million years ago. Posessing a notochord (aw yeah, I still remember my grade 11 biology), it is a distant ancestor of humans, since we belong to the phylum Chordata as well.

Isn't that amazing? A long, long, incredibly long time ago, that was us. Just a dumb looking worm swimming about in the ocean. Personally, I find this incredibly beautiful. Not the worm, he's kind of gross, but the entire process. I love sitting back and thinking about the transition that life has made of all these millenia.It's exciting, especially to think of where everything will be going in the future.

I think that some people tend to feel belittled or insignificant in the face of such enormity, and choose to ignore it in favour of "grander" theories, like Creation. But how can all this progress not be grand?! How can people not see the beauty in this slow transformation that we all get to be a part  of? I am constantly humbled, and then proud and puffed up. I worry that people don't value themselves the way they should sometimes, and the vastness of life before, life now and life to come makes them feel unimportant. It's a sad attitude to adopt. I know I have some very blunt attitudes myself towards things like this (we are just a speck in the universe, etc), but in more positive moods, I can recognize that we are all valuable stepping stones in life, in evolution.

My absolute favourite fact about the universe came to me through Neil deGrasse Tyson. It's a popular video, so you may have seen it before, but I can never get tired of watching it.

I just want people, all people, to be able to look at the world, at the universe, at life, and be able to feel what I feel whenever I think about these things. It's a great feeling.


Whoo! It's been a long time since I wrote here! I've just been so busy with school. In fact, I really should have been doing about three different things instead of writing this post, but this was more fun. More again soon! I have a bone to pick with philosophy, and you'll hear aaaall about it.

You Are Nothing What You Seem

Drawing again: Feels good. I can see how much better I've gotten. Onward to glory!
This song: Amazing amazing, though your version is still my favourite, Christina.
Time to go to bed now because I have work at 8am: Bleh. My dad thinks that we should have 36 hour days. While this is obviously impossible, I can certainly see the benefit. So much to do, and there's never enough time.