I was just staring absently into the distance, when I should have been working on my Art History paper, and lamenting the time that I am going to be spending in school.
I miss Max. I miss sleeping. I miss being healthy and having time to eat properly. I miss having money, and being able to travel if I need to. I just have this constant anxiety quietly gnawing away inside of me. Compared to previous years, I'm much better at controlling it now, but Art History is making it worse. It's the first academic course I've taken in at least 2 years, and it's like I forgot how to think anyway but visually. I can't draw my way out of this, I have to do research papers.
The paper I'm trying to write is about The Book of Kells (one page specifically, the Chi Rho page), a really cool, ancient illustrated bible from Ireland. Stunning artwork. I encourage everyone to take a look at it. It's my current obsession. But damn it all if I am not being continuously fucked over by this paper.
We had to make a very specific thesis pertaining to the subject matter. I decided to do something about how the early Christian missionaries used the native Celtic art to aid them in swaying the people towards a new faith. My rationale behind this is that it would have been easier for the Celtic people to associate with the gospels and the word of God if it was presented to them in a style that they were familiar with. That's all good stuff, but I have no idea how to keep this from deteriorating into an opinion essay. It's easy to say these things, but I need to find evidence to back this up, and I have NO idea how to find it. To be honest, this is completely my fault. My professor told the class about this paper when the semester started in January, and here I am, a week before the paper is due, distressing because I have a thesis but nothing else. It's only a 3-5 page paper, but it's worth 20% of my mark.
So, what do? I think I have a good thesis, but no way to back it up. I'm going to ask my professor for her opinion tomorrow, but I'm just so consumed by stress right now. On top of this, I have projects and homework for all of my other classes. My intaglio print is due on Wednesday, my wood sculpture is due on Thursday, and I still have Drawing homework to complete. There are simply not enough hours in the day to get everything done, especially when you're having rather severe motivational problems. Now, I know once I get some sleep, I'll feel better about everything in the morning. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I need to seriously hustle from now on. No more fucking around, dude. You're better than this.
Yes, I constantly speak to myself. I need positive reinforcement from somewhere, and I'm the only person I'll take seriously. When other people say these things to me, I just assume that they're saying what they think is the appropriate thing to say. That's horrible, I know, but it's true. Even when Max tells me these things, I can never just enjoy a compliment or a word of encouragement, because I don't believe that anyone really means these things. I first noticed this when I used to regularly write. People would read my poems/stories and tell me that they were so amazing, but all I could think was "What do you know about good writing?" And most of them knew nothing. They couldn't tell good writing from shitty writing, so I could never take their word for anything. And still, this trend continues with art. I draw something and people congratulate me on a job well done, but they don't know anything about the differences between good and bad art. I drew a pretty lame picture for a friend of mine who makes cards for people as a hobby. She wanted to show a couple looking through a telescope together (a gift to a couple she knew for Valentine's Day, who loved telescopes). I had completely forgotten about it, and remembered on the day that she was expecting me to give it to her. So I rushed and drew a fairly lame picture before I rushed off to work. I was actually embarrassed to give it to her. But she GUSHED over it. This just proved what I had always thought. These compliments can't mean anything to me because people will pat me on the head for producing low-effort, shit-grade art. Trust issues? Self-worth issues? Oh hell yes. Do I tell many people about this? No. I think I've only mentioned it to Max in an off-handed way once or twice. I guess now you all know.
Again, I'll feel better about all this once I get some sleep, but right now I'm just daydreaming about summer, and the semester being over so I can enjoy waking up every morning again. Yeah, yeah, I can hear you there, Depression. Just shut up for a moment so I can get this paper done.