This dark mood persists.
I'm just sitting here, brooding.
Will I ever grow out of this bullshit? The week-long self-loathing
benders, specifically. Do you just wake up one day, and never again
think of yourself as a useless, talentless, futureless, hopeless, plain,
fat sack of guts?
Most of the time I really do like
myself, but more and more frequently I just keep coming back to this
shadowy corner of my mind and stay there for awhile. I know this sounds
super needy, but I constantly need reassurance from other people that
I'm better than the way I think of myself, and I HATE it. I hate that I
have to hear it from other people and sound like an attention whore, and
I hate that I can't tell myself these things when I'm having anything
less than a great day. I need to hear that I'm funny and smart and
pretty and talented, and that need makes me feel low.
My birthday's coming up next week, on the 29th, and I
don't even care. I'm not going to do anything fun (well, I will hang out
with Max all day, so that's fun), but I wish I was normal enough to do
something cool for my birthday. Like have a party. Or go to a
bar. Or dancing. But I can't, because even when I do go to places like
that, I become so consumed with anxiety that it sucks all the joy out of
I've got very conflicting views. Most of
the time I want to stand out, and rise above average, but now I seem to
be gravitating more towards this desire to be normal. What went wrong?
Why did I stay awkward and weird while everyone else graduated to
normal? Rachel's normal. Fuck, even Peter is normal. Why am I the only
This is a very shallow thought, but I
know if I lost 20lbs I could love myself all the time. Because even if I
grow up talentless and futureless, at least I'll be skinny. As I type
this, I can feel decades of feminists shaking their heads at me. Well,
fuck them. It would just be nice, okay?
Maybe I'll feel better after a couple hours of sleep.