Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Persistent Thoughts

This dark mood persists.

I'm just sitting here, brooding. Will I ever grow out of this bullshit? The week-long self-loathing benders, specifically. Do you just wake up one day, and never again think of yourself as a useless, talentless, futureless, hopeless, plain, fat sack of guts?

Most of the time I really do like myself, but more and more frequently I just keep coming back to this shadowy corner of my mind and stay there for awhile. I know this sounds super needy, but I constantly need reassurance from other people that I'm better than the way I think of myself, and I HATE it. I hate that I have to hear it from other people and sound like an attention whore, and I hate that I can't tell myself these things when I'm having anything less than a great day. I need to hear that I'm funny and smart and pretty and talented, and that need makes me feel low.


My birthday's coming up next week, on the 29th, and I don't even care. I'm not going to do anything fun (well, I will hang out with Max all day, so that's fun), but I wish I was normal enough to do something cool for my birthday. Like have a party. Or go to a bar. Or dancing. But I can't, because even when I do go to places like that, I become so consumed with anxiety that it sucks all the joy out of everything.

I've got very conflicting views. Most of the time I want to stand out, and rise above average, but now I seem to be gravitating more towards this desire to be normal. What went wrong? Why did I stay awkward and weird while everyone else graduated to normal? Rachel's normal. Fuck, even Peter is normal. Why am I the only affected sibling?

This is a very shallow thought, but I know if I lost 20lbs I could love myself all the time. Because even if I grow up talentless and futureless, at least I'll be skinny. As I type this, I can feel decades of feminists shaking their heads at me. Well, fuck them. It would just be nice, okay?

Maybe I'll feel better after a couple hours of sleep.

3 comments:

  1. Exercise will elevate your mood, and that's the reason to do it. Because it's good for you. You're already gorgeous.

    It's okay to have bad days, and it's okay to need reassurance. If it wasn't, I'd probably have killed myself by now.

    I also never do anything super social for my birthday, but there's a post I have of all the free stuff you can get if you feel like it (http://alira23.blogspot.ca/2012/06/birthday-freebies.html) and also last year Branden and I went to the Greater Vancouver Zoo and took lots of pictures and had a fabulous time. That might be more your style =) Going out and getting drunk defs isn't my thing either.

    In conclusion, you're pretty <3. When the sun comes out, you'll feel much better!

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  2. I think the same way you do a lot, and it gets really frustrating. I totally know how you feel. My siblings seem really normal, and I'm the odd weird one in the family too. There are times that I adore my weirdness, but a lot of the time I just can't stand that I'm so different. It's really irritating.

    Whether you have a party or chill out with nothing fancy happening, I hope you have a great birthday.

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