Monday, August 9, 2010

I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire

You know what, I'm going to stop being such a fucking weenie.

I noticed someone commented on my last post (btw, thank you. I love comments. It reminds me that there are actually people out there who read these things), and she was very frank with me.

"To be honest, you don't sound well. As an anonymous reader who has suffered from depression and has about 20 years on you, you sound like you are depressed, and maybe a bit manic. I mean, you write these words yourself, so it's not that much of a surprise, right?"

She's right, it's not much of a surprise. I have always been pretty sure that I was depressed. I think it runs in the family a bit, actually, which is a very sad thing to be genetic (hahaha, literally). But she then went on to say

"Everyone goes through periods of time where it ain't so rosy, but sometimes it can be medical, like as in altered brain chemistry. No amount of motivation or trying can fix that."

Argh. That's what I'm really trying to avoid.

1. Seeing a doctor/therapist

It's no big secret that I think I'm the toughest person in the whole world. I really don't like going to see doctors. Not because I'm afraid of them or anything. I just view going to a doctor as an act of weakness. I come from a fiercely independent family, and growing up I was taught how to take care of myself. I used the word "hardy". My corrected me and said "Not hardy. Harsh." Before going to the doctors, there were home remedies, or sleeping it off; taking care of yourself the old-fashioned way. Infected cuts were treated with hot water and salt, a plugged ear was fixed with a little warm oil, sore throats were given freezies (okay, freezies aren't really a home remedy). Of course we always went to the doctor when things got bad, but things rarely got bad because we were very vigilant about minor scrapes and cuts and such.
Also, I have a bit of a weird hang up with modern medicine. I mean, don't get me wrong, it is fucking dandy. Saving lives is swell. Sometimes I just feel that we are getting a little too dependent on it though. Did you know that people in Third World countries don't get allergies? Because their immune systems are tough as shit, while ours are molly-coddled with... okay, this is a rant for another post. But you get the idea.

2. Medication

When I was in grade 9 (or 10?) this girl that I was friends with was on anti-depressants. When she wasn't on them, she was pretty much normal. But when she was on them... I don't know, I found it a little chilling. She had on the BIGGEST smile, all the time, like she couldn't stop. I actually asked her one time "Why are you smiling?" and she said she didn't know. She just couldn't stop. And right then, I swore to myself that I would never take anti-depressants. I don't want to be fake-happy, I want to be REAL-happy.
Okay, you're depressed, so you take medication for it. Things are great now. But, for whatever reason, you go off them for a bit. And then you're back to the way things are.
I don't want to take them if it's only masking the problem. Like I said, I want to be real-happy, not fake-happy. If I'm just going to go back to the way I was before if I stop taking the pills, then I personally don't see the point.

Okay, okay, okay, PERHAPS, maybe, at one point, sometime, in the future, I MAY go and see a therapist. Just to talk. Just to see what's going on up there. But keep in mind, you guys, the more people tell me to do something, the more I won't do it. I'm Mary-Mary-Quite-Contrary.

SO. Is there anything else less emo going on?

Just working. But the other day, I made apricot and almond florentines! Okay, the ones in the picture look a little better than mine, but I think that's because they used better almonds than me. The recipe called for slivered almonds, but they used these ones, and I used these ones. I think theirs look better, AND I didn't make mine thin enough. But they were still good.
Too bad baking is such an expensive hobby.

I'm going to make this daily again! I miss it. ALSO! I'm almost at 100 posts!
And I still only have 5 subscribers.... :D

Chin up! Chin up! Keep your chin up!

1 comment:

  1. Everyone has their own experience, I guess, when they take antidepressants. I am telling you mine because I wish someone, anyone would have shared candidly that they had ever suffered depression and how they overcame it. For me, I didn't feel fake happy taking antidepressants. I felt like I had been restored to normal. When I was depressed, I felt like I was having an out of body experience, as if I could see myself from the outside, and I was unrecognizable to me. I wondered where I had went. I took a very low dose of an antidepressant for 1.5, maybe 2 years and also went to talk therapy off and on. Gradually, I kept forgetting to take the antidepressant towards the end of the two years, and both I and the doctor agreed, I didn't need them any longer. This period of time changed my life. I am more happy than I could have ever imagined (not like "Hollywood" happy). Of course, I still have down times, but it is nothing like before.
    Also, people in the third world generally have very short life expectancies, so it's not really realistic to compare their health with ours. We get water out of a tap, which is kind of amazing! just sayin'.
    Anyhow, you'll figure it out :)