I wish I was good at keeping myself focused, but I'm really, really not. I don't know what my problem is, but I can't keep my mind on one thing for very long. It's really frustrating and annoying.
Take today, for instance. I was going to get up, tidy the place a bit, maybe bake a pecan pie, plant some flowers, and feel good about myself. Only one of those things got accomplished today (planting flowers). It's like, I wake up in the morning and tell myself that I'm going to do all these things, and then I just can't get going. My house looks like crap because I haven't done anything else to it, and it's driving me crazy. I think I'm becoming depressed by my surroundings, because everything is uuuugly.
I just listened to a Radiolab episode about people with motivation problems, and a great solution is to give yourself an ultimatum, something that really despises you. For instance, they spoke to one woman who had been trying to quit smoking, and she finally told her friend "Listen, here's what's going to happen. If I ever smoke another cigarette, I'm donating $5000 to the Klu Klux Klan." I know, sounds insane. But she actually quit smoking because of this. It's because the prospect of letting those maniacs have her money was so absolutely repulsive to her that she could not let herself smoke. Obviously, we all hate the KKK because they are racist sons-of-bitches, but this woman had also dedicated years of her life to fighting against discrimination, organizing protests and even going undercover to expose prejudice in housing projects. Another man, Oliver Sacks, was having trouble finishing a book he was trying to write. So he gave himself 10 days to finish it, and if he wasn't finished it by the 10th day, he was going to commit suicide.
I need to find something that is both repulsive and abhorrent to me, so I can motivate myself to start creating things, but I don't think I've reached the point of desperation that would be required for this to work. Maybe I'll threaten myself with suicide eventually too.
So, I was in a crappy mood when I started writing this, but now I'm in a pretty great mood because the government has yet again decided to bequeath me with money! They said that they were going to be reassessing my tax file for HST, and boy, did they ever. I've been sent another $511.44! It's just... I feel like I'm rolling in luck right now. I mean, personally I'm not in the greatest spot. I'm still struggling with my self-worth and like, but everything around me is going alright. Work is steady, I'm drawing comics more, all this money is rolling in, and I got into the Langara College Fine Arts Program. Yes, I did! I got the email a few days ago, and I am over the moon about it. Still anxious, but excited. I'm going to learn actual art for the first time in my life. I've always wanted to be in some kind of art class, always. But we could never afford the classes that were outside of school, and once I got into high school I had to choose between Art and Band. I ended up choosing Band, and don't regret my choice, but I it's always been a source of regret that I never managed to take any art class of any kind. But now I am, and I'm going to end up a famous graphic novelist. I am, I am, I am.