I keep getting so nervous about school in the fall. Half of the time I actually forget that I will be going back to school. I haven't been in school for a very long time. The last time I attended any kind of classes, it was for Fall Semester 2009. I'm just so used to not being in school now, going back is going to be a big change.
Mostly, whenever I think about being in this program, my first thought is always "Lisa, why are you doing this. You're just going to be a big fuck up, suck at everything, and be miserable all the time. Maybe this was a mistake." You see, children, I have this terrible fear of being mediocre. I want to be the best at everything, because most of the time, I am good at things without having to try. When I come across something that actually requires effort for me to be good at it, I invariably give up, because if I'm not good at it right away, that clearly means I never will be good at it and I'm better off quitting while I'm ahead. I've been told that this is unhealthy, for some reason.
Don't get me wrong though. I really am looking forward to being in this class. I'm going to actually learn all these crazy new things. Yesterday, Tanis and I were walking around Michael's in a giddy daze, and we came upon an aisle full of canvases, many bigger than we were. I asked her "Hey... Will I, like, paint on stuff like this in my classes?" She said "Yup" and all I could manage was "...Wow." Little ol' retard Lisa, painting on canvases taller than she is.
Again though, everytime I imagine it, I just picture myself getting angry because I'm not any good. I'm also nervous about meeting new people, but that's an entirely different story for another time.
Max and everyone else assures me that I'll be fine. Mostly, I believe them.
And now, it's off to work in a rather jaunty outfit that I've put together. Blue shirt buttoned all the way up, velvet paisley vest from Value Village, white jeans with the cuffs rolled up, the cutest little lace up shoes you ever did see, a velvet men's Eaton coat, and my new tweed and brown leather bag. Dear god, does this make me a hipster?