Friday, January 14, 2011

Get Me Out Of This Cavern Or I'll Cave In

I like being alone, I truly do, but maybe I shouldn't be allowed to be alone. It sends my mind to dark places, and at the end of the day I'm stuck in this restless state of semi-despair.

Woke up late today, around 1:30. It was glorious. I love sleeping in. But it always gives me this sense of... uselessness. I wasted the whole day once again. To make matters worse, I played Fallout for the next 2 hours. That really skews your sense of time. Before you know it, the sun's going down.

I knew I had to go meet Rachel at her work downtown, so I left at 4:45, went to the bank to collect the money I owed her and made it down there by 6 pm. I'm never out during the day anymore. I love winter, but I hate how dark it gets all the time. Max thinks I've got some Vitamin D deficiency going on. So anyway, I went to Rachel's work and met all her nice friends, but feel like kicking myself because I'm such a shy dumbass. I just can't talk to people. I try, and then I get all soft-voiced and timid, and I get anxious and sweat and stutter. It's pathetic.

All the way home, I was just... blah. Even stopping in at work and saying hello to my friends didn't help. I'm just worried and anxious and melancholy all the time, and I hate it. To make matters worse, I wore my high heels, which used to be okay but now they hurt so badly.

I think I'm just upset because my Italian class got canceled. Oh, by the way, my Italian class got canceled. I got a phone call yesterday informing me that it was canceled because only two other people signed up for it. It'll be nice that I'll get the nearly $200 back from that, but now I don't know what I'm going to do for the next 4 months.

This is just all coming back to my frustration of not knowing what to do with my life. How am I supposed to pick a school, pick a program, make plans for the future if I don't know what the FUCK I'm doing. I know what I like: writing and drawing. That's cute, but not helpful. I want to make comics (I think?) but what am I supposed to DO about that?

Why can't I just be good at school? I was kind of toying with the idea of going to SFU, and... Oh, that's a dumb idea. They'll never let me into university. I'm going to need at least a 2.00 GPA (60%) and that is most certainly something I do not have. I'm also going to need to complete 24 units of transferable postsecondary course work. Whatever that is, I do not have it. I just wanted to go to university to get some kind of English degree, but that's about as useful as getting an Art degree, so I may as well go for the one that's easier to get (Art).

Fun fact! When I get anxious or upset, I scratch myself all over, really hard, until I get these little read lines on my skin. Once, when I was 14 or 15, I methodically scratched my hand in the same place until it but into my skin and I started bleeding. I didn't even stop then. My nail kept running through the thin line of blood. It got infected shortly after, and then scarred, and I hoped that would serve as a reminder to never do such things again. Well, I really want to do it again right now. I'm resorting to pinching my hands all over.

I scare myself sometimes, you know?I don't want to use the 'D' word here, but I think it's more than likely that that's what's fucking with me. It has been for a long, long time. I should go talk to someone about it, I know, but what are they going to say? "Here, take some pills." That is not the solution, just a suppressant. If I were to go off of said pills, the problem would come right back. If I'm going to get over this stupid, stupid shit, I'm going to do it without any form of medication. I just need to find something that makes me happy. Hm...

I'm just getting seriously tired of being such a fuck up. Maybe I'll feel better if I make a stir-fry...

EDIT: Big surprise, dinner is a failure too.

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