I realize that last post was rather negative. That's okay, because I myself am rather negative. It's just that 2011 has, so far, only brought me shit. But oh, who cares about that.
I didn't really want to write a mushy, wishy-washy New Years entry because I couldn't really muster the enthusiasm. This year, no doubt, had it's ups. The Olympics, 3 years with Max, writing this blog, making jokes and hanging around with people, and getting my tattoo and moving into a new house. But overall, I just felt like this wasn't my best year. It was my first full year out of school, and I mostly just bummed around, feeling purposeless. I've agonized a lot over what I really want in life, and have yet to come to a conclusion. There was just a lot of frustration this year, and it didn't make for good times. At least it went by surprisingly quickly.
I just want to know what I want, and I'm starting to feel kind of desperate.
I want to know if I want to go into this whole art thing. Right now I'm just trying to pinpoint what my hesitations are. Am I hesitant because I'm not sure if I'll be happy? Or because I doubt my own ability. I have a feeling it's the latter of those two. Yeah, actually, that's definitely it. Whenever I think of myself making comics, webcomics and graphic novels, for a living, I get so excited. I could be happy like that. But I just don't believe I have what it takes, even though my friends and family tell me that I do, even though I've drawn some pretty great things lately. I just don't think I can do it.
Gah, I'm just having a bit of a blue day today. I got into this big tiff with my father, which he is being completely unreasonable about. He believes that blood is the most important thing, no matter what. I believe completely the opposite. So that hung a dark cloud over last night and today. Then I was 30 minutes late for work, and when I went to Bao Chau to try and drown my woes in some rice noodles and pork hash, I accidentally ordered the wrong thing. Ffffuuu-
Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Now, I've never been one for New Years resolutions, but I am going to make two right now.
1) Stop swearing so much
The only reason I swear this much in the first place is for the comedic value. Swearing, in the proper place, is hilarious. But I was talking to Max that other day, and he made a comment (not in a mean or criticizing way) about how much I swear in the things that I write. I didn't realize I swore that much. So, I will try and cut down on swearing more, and use replacement phrases such as "Sweet Chinese Doughnut!" (You had to be there to get the joke. Oh, alright, I'll tell you. Max and I went to the Chinese bakery today, and they had a thing called a Sweet Chinese Doughnut. I said that it sounded like an exclamation, like "Oh my goodness!" or "Sweet Jesus!")
2) Lose weight. For real.
Honestly, I will throw myself in front of a bus if I'm fat for much longer. It's just making me miserable, and I'm tired of it. I don't know what I'm going to do, but boy, whatever it is, I am going to do the hell out of it. Running, sit ups, eating healthy, stretching, or just taking a swing at the old punching bag; I will do it, I will be skinny, and I will spend all my money on fabulous dresses from Forever 21.
Also, a silly one. 3) Get more tattoos! Hahaha. Seriously, I love my tattoo. I will post a picture when it stops peeling and looking gnarly. But yeah, I'm thinking of just get my whole left arm all done up with tattoos (a sleeve). I think it'll look cool, as long as I don't let my arm get all flabby and gross. I'm already drawing out what I want next. I think I want to get pretty one on my chest somewhere, too. Oh, my poor mother.
So, what is there to look forward to in 2011? Italian classes, gardening in our new big garden, fixing up the house and making it a home, visits from friends, getting in shape, and hopefully figuring out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Let's see how this goes.