Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I My Me Mine

If someone comes up to me and tells me that they are Christian/Catholic/Buddhist/Sikh/Hindu/Etc, I will say "Cool story bro". I someone comes up to me, and says they are Christian/Catholic/Buddhist/Sikh/Hindu/Etc, and ask what I am, I will tell them that I am an atheist. If they proceed to berate me for being what I am, and thinking what I think, and asking me how I could believe such a thing, I WILL get all up in their face about it. Because this has happened to me too many times and I am fucking tired of it.

I'm sorry, when you come to my door, try to give me something in the street, strike up a conversation at my till, and tell me what you believe of the world, that is fucking A-okay. I pretty much don't care who you worship. But when you tell me that I'M wrong? I will not flinch from saying what is on my mind. You want to ask my why I am godless? Fine, I will ask you why YOU are devout, and before you can say anything, I will answer for you. Typically, you are what your parents are.

When you tell me I am going to Hell, I will tell you that I don't believe in Hell. When you question whether or not I am educated, if I've ever even picked up a Bible, I will say, yes, I have, because I am not against learning the faiths of others. When you ask me what meaning life has without God, I will say just as much meaning as if with, possibly even more. When you question me about death, about life without the possibility of Heaven, I will tell you that Heaven doesn't change anything; We're still all going to be afraid to die.

I will admit that I am not perfect. When I see televangelists on late night TV, people in the streets holding signs that say "Free Prayer" (isn't prayer free anyway?), when I hear about how Jesus Christ "saved my life", my lip does curl. I do sneer. I make cynical remarks. We wouldn't be human if we didn't believe that we were truly right and everyone else was wrong.

The thing I mostly don't like about organized religion is that I don't like being dependent on anybody but myself. If I need a Jesus or an Allah or a Jehovah to make me find beauty and happiness and love in life, then that's... just not the way I operate. I don't want to be told how to act, what to think. I want to be allowed to believe in nothing and have that be okay.

Of course, I am allowed to believe in nothing, but somehow, I always end up in the role of "asshole". Like, if we ran through that whole scenario waaay at the top of this post, if I asked what someone else believed, they told me that they believed in a god, and I questioned them, berated them, made fun of them, told them that God wasn't real, I would automatically be Queen Douchebag. But when someone does the EXACT same thing to me, it's okay. Atheists have feelings too, you guys.

I love though, how every person I tell tries to get me to falter, to not be able to explain my thoughts. They sit there with this self-satisfied look on their face, this weird kind of pity, like you'd give to a small child who told you they believed in Unicorns, like I just don't know better. I know what they think. I know they think that I'm just believing in what's "in", what the cool kids think. I know they think that maybe, just maybe, if someone took me to a house of God and showed me what's what that I would come crawling to their side, the "right" side. Not everyone, of course. For all my loathing, the world is, after all, full of lovely people.

I kind of feel sorry for the first person to sneer and question what my beliefs are, because they are going to get the full whammy of my "beliefs". I will not back down. I will tell them that I believe in people. That I believe in love. That I believe in sleeping in, and kisses, and Vietnamese food. I will say that I believe in solitude, and wild dreams, and new backyards with pear trees. I believe in books, in music, in blogs, in breakfast, in tattoos, in presents, in pretty dresses, in swaying trees, in childhood memories, in 25 cent books of poetry, in Xbox's, in holding hands, in surprise visits, in two cats, in one beautiful red dog, in blood and in boyfriends. In life. In myself.

PS. I should also note that three days ago was the 1 year anniversary of this blog! I was too tired that day to write a teary little entry about it, and just plum forgot about it later. 1 year of words! 1 year of crazy and jokes and hate! 1 whole year me sitting in front of a computer screen, trying to make a connection.


  1. i'm sorry you've been approached so often! i find that interesting because here at our school it's the opposite. atheism is encouraged and spirituality is looked down upon!

    i always liked the idea that without religion, atheists must find their own meaning and purpose. personally, even though i believe in God, i think that's the way He intended it.

    i'm not going to give you crap for not believing in God. you believe in love- love and God are the same thing, and there are hardly any people left who really believe in anything- much less love- so what could i give you crap for?

    i'm a missionary, and i love God with all my heart, so if you ever have any questions, feel free to riddle me with them. otherwise, keep on keepin' on my dear.

  2. Thanks. Jonathan got feeling all sorry for me again and this helped me feel better.

  3. Christina: Thank you for the most lovely comment! I also really liked "i always liked the idea that without religion, atheists must find their own meaning and purpose". That's what I like too. Much like you love God and love believing in God, I love believing in... I don't want to say nothing, because it's more like the colossal accidental beauty of the world is what I love believing in. And I do enjoy discussing things that are vast and beyond our understanding, so you also feel free to sit down and have a big old deep talk with me one day.

    Tanis: Nae problemo, young lady. Was he feeling sorry for you because you don't believe in God? That's not very nice. We should hang out soon!

    Gah! Two comments on one post? I'm walkin' on sunshine!

  4. "I believe in people. That I believe in love. That I believe in sleeping in, and kisses, and Vietnamese food."

    You should make this into a religion. I'd be in for sure.

  5. methinks i need to come visit Canada again! we can talk late into the night about deep things and solve the riddles of the universe!

    oh, and Tanis- don't think badly of Jon Jon. he doesn't mean to make you feel bad, he just does that-- even if he ISNT trying to convert someone. that's just how he is. and as far as talking to you about God, he's just doing what he thinks is right. don't let anything he says hurt you, or bother you- because i know that's not what he intends.

  6. Most definitely! You and Tanis have to come stay at my house! There will even be a guest room. Hopefully by then it will be all painted. It's going to be "The Rose Room" so it's going to be all dusty pinks and pretty curtains. It'll be doooope!

  7. cool! are you going to paint roses in there too?

  8. Yeah, and have it be all pink and stuff. Excited!