Friday, April 2, 2010

New Moon: Because I Hate Myself

Because I like fucking with myself, I am taking on the burden of watching New Moon. Why? I like to be knowledgeable about the things I don't like. I've read bits of the Bible, watched The Real Housewives of the OC, and done so much cocaine- er, nevermind.

As I mentioned earlier today (I know, so many posts?) I had the great misfortune of stumbling upon MLIT (, and it got me thinking. What is so fucking great about this shit? And New Moon, shut up about it already. So, for the sake of science, I am watching New Moon right now. I'm trying to watch it objectively, but you'll probably see my bias showing.

Okay, let's begin.

Huh, freaky dream where Bella is realizing the reality of her relationship. She will get old, Edward won't, blah blah blah. Wake up, it's her 18th birthday. She seems awfully jaded about 'aging', as she puts it. You're only turning 18, for Christ's sake. Damn, I'm turning 20 in June. I think that's a little more to worry about.
Okay, the rivalry between Jacob and Edward is more apparent, but fuck, tell me something I don't already know. Plus, these are supposed to be teenagers? Jacob looks like a MAN. It's a little off-setting. And I'm really not seeing why Edward is supposed to be so attractive. I mean, he's not ugly or anything. But he's just so pale, and he speaks in that stupid monotone. Well, I guess that's something that he and Bella have in common.

Okay, birthday party at the Cullen's. Silly Bella is sooo clumsy, she sliced herself open on a piece of wrapping paper. Seriously? I cut myself on the meat slicer at work and it didn't look as bad as that. Jasper goes nuts because Bella is just so freaking delicious smelling, so Edward punches her into a table and a bunch of tastefully placed vases. Bella's arm is practically shredded open, and she's going to need stitches.
Now, I'd say that I'm a pretty tough person. I don't cry very easily after getting hurt, but I'm pretty sure I'd be hysterical if someone was stitching my fucking arm up. But Bella is all balls, not even flinching. Really? I know she's got that dead eyed stare and emotionless voice, but she surely must feel pain? Or is she too special for that? PS. Bella totally looks like she has the hots for Carlisle, which, in this terrible series, is the least weird and gross thing that could have happened. Anyways, talk about worst birthday ever.

WHOA WHOA WHOA. Okay, Bella get's a camera for her birthday, and is just snapping pictures of vampires. You know what, Stephanie Meyer? Fuck you. You can't just re-write one of the most important things about the vampire myth! They don't have reflections, so why the fuck would they show up in pictures? Well, I suppose Edward has to have a reflection, otherwise how is he going to do his hair every morning?

Man, Edward is just hanging out in Bella's room when she's at school. I know this is supposed to show that he 'loves her' or some fucked up shit, but that's all that it is: fucked up shit.

Alright, Edward's leaving. I love how he treats her like some animal he's trying to get rid of. "Go on! Git! I hate you! I -sob- never liked you anyway!" And Bella sure is upset is using all the emotion she can muster. "Please. Don't." So, she runs and runs until it's dark, and then stumbles onto the ground and falls asleep in the middle of the forest.
Aaaand now a half-naked man is carrying the unconscious Bella. Really? You're trying to pass these guys off as teenager? He is fucking RIPPED. I mean, he is a werewolf, but shit, let's try and add some realism, shall we?

Aw, and now Bella's sad. I know he's your first boyfriend and everything, but fuck, I'M not even taking it that hard. 3 months of sitting around moping? My god. This is an awesome message for young girls everywhere. "When your boyfriend dumps you, you're life is over forever." You know what's really bothering me, though? In three months, her hair doesn't even grow. And whoa, what the fuck is going on here. she's having like, screaming, spasmodic night terrors every night. Who screams like that?

Okay. so, now she only hallucinates Edward when she's in danger. The obvious conclusion is to then just continually put yourself in danger, no? Like, getting on the back of a strange man's motorcycle, who then drives off into an alley so he can presumably rape her. And I LOVE how her friend doesn't give a shit.
"That was... such a rush."
"Oh, what, so you're an adrenaline junkie now? That's great. Well, you can go bungie jumping, instead of getting on the back of some random losers bike, alright?"
Ohhh, Bella has an idea! So she goes along to see boy toy extraordinaire, Jacob and brings him some shitty old motorcycles to fix so she can chase her high. As they are listening to possibly the gayest song a teenage werewolf who's into fixing motorcycles could ever possibly listen to, Bella turns it off, saying she doesn't "really like music anymore." Get it? Because she is just so fucking sad. And whoa, Jacob is younger than Bella? I don't know why that's so weird.

Okay, so on their first test run of the bikes, Bella goes a little crazy and crashes into a rock. Jacob rushes over, and she apologizes for bleeding? "It's just blood, it's no big deal." So, to stop the flow of the blood, he takes his shirt off and shows us his perfect, cheese grater abs. THANK GOD, WOUND HEALED.

HAHAHA, fuck! So Bella goes to see a movie with Jacob and some jackass who's name I can't remember. Anyway, it's an action movie called Facepunch (TOTALLY would see that if it's real), and as the shooting starts, jackass has to run out of the threatre because he's going to barf. A Jacob puts it, "What a marshmallow!" Well, that was a kind of weird way to put it, and I have to take points away from Meyer's writing again. What self respecting youngster uses 'marshmallow'? Big kids use words like 'pussy' and 'faggot'.

You know, I have to say, this movie is a lot better without Edward in it. Oh fuck, does that mean I'm on Team Jacob or some stupid shit? Fuck.

Okay, after a brief internet malfunction, I am back. And actually less disgusted than I thought I would be.

Oh my. Poor jackass is back from puking, and Jacob has some beef with him now as he threatens to put him in the hospital. For some reason? "Jake... Jake, you're really hot." Get it? Edward's cold, Jacob's hot. This is some goooood writing.

OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD, one of Bella's dads friends was the guy who played that mean tree on Dudley the Dragon! Shit, what was his name? Crabby? Oh man, total flashback. Oh, and Jacob is going through his werewolf metamorphosis right now, she he can't come out and play. Er. I mean, he has... mono? And he cut his hair. That's what I did when I had mono.

Well, shit. Apparently becoming a werewolf turns you into a complete dick, because now Jacob is tearing a strip out of Bella for hanging out with "those filthy bloodsuckers you love so much, the Cullen's." Wow, people are just abandoning the Bella ship left right and centre. First Edward, then her friend Jessica, now Jacob? I guess the only answer is cliff diving (spoiler).

As a side note, I love Bella's flashbacks of Edward, especially the one where they lie chastely nect to each other. It's just too hilarious. And fuck, the sparkles! It is the most un-sexy thing ever. It reminds me of seven year old girls, and unicorns. Also, Jacob just climbed up the side of her fucking house, and Bella doesn't even give a shit. What.

Advice, Bella? Cut your loses and just get with Jacob. He is seriously 10 times more attractive than that Edward pussy, and he is seriously ripped. And he is sitting on your bed. Now, I do not like Twilight or Twilight related things at all, but even I would tap the underage werewolf that's chilling out in my room.

Anyway, wolf's out of the bag, Bella knows. Actually, the werewolves seem a lot more chill than the vampires. But dear GOD, this movie is so long. I have work at 8 in the morning, but I hate stopping a movie half way through. Especially since I'm only watching it online where there's no scene selection. I'm actually getting a little bored.

Anyway, so Bella flies to Italy, Alice hijacks a car, they go to a small town where NONE of the people look remotely Italian (trust me, I'm half. I can tell) and stop a small girl from telling her mom that she saw a sparkly fag.
Man, you fucking kids and your Romeo and Juliet. I have to get this off my chest. Listen, they were not in love. They thought they were in love. They saw each other at a party, thought the other was hot stuff, and then were just really horny for the rest of the time. That would be like me going to one of Chiara's parties, spotting a boy I thought to be attractive and then killing myself for him. They were just kids with crushes. So STOP making movies and singing songs that try to parallel this, okay? You really do not want to be like Romeo and Juliet.

"I have one condition."
"Marry me, Bella."

Right! I forgot that you're not allowed to have sex with someone until you're married to them! How silly and unchristian.

Okay, the two best parts of this movie. When they werewolves were fighting each other, and when a group of unwitting tourists was led right into the vampires lair and killed for their blood. The rest was so-so. Waaay too long for my tastes, and the plot and the acting is really just not good. And honestly, not worth the hype it got, at all. There's really no good way to end this, so I guess I'll just say, Twitards are stupid noobs aaaand they lick balls or something typical of me, I guess. The end, thank god.

PS. Another thought was had while I was at work.
Okay, so Edward goes to kill himself via death by exposure to Italians (classic). If he exposes the secret world of the vampires, the vampire high court of some bullshit will kill him. Sure, makes sense I guess.
Except, when you think of this: Meyer's vampires don't burn in sun. They sparkle. Now, if you were just outside minding your own business, and some shirtless, pale lad comes sauntering morosely toward you, and he starts sparkling in the sunlight, is your first thought "OH MY GOD, A VAMPIRE." Because who the FUCK sees a sparkly fag and thinks bloodsucker. Even in Meyer's book world, people don't actually go around thinking that vampires fucking SPARKLE in the sun. Maybe if at one point, she had someone else mention "omg, vampires totally sparkle in the sun, EVERYONE knows that." Then it would be believable. HA! Faulty logic on your part, Meyer, you retarded fuck.

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