Thursday, April 1, 2010

Stupid, Impulsive Bird

Tonight is going to be a night for meditation.

I have already thought long and hard about this, and I'm really having second thoughts about my decision. Shit, I had second thoughts about it when I was telling Max. But I come from an impulsive mother, and the minute we get an idea into our heads, that's it. No thinking ahead, just going for it.

So, I'm going to have a nice shower, because my stupid bus was 15 minutes late and it is FREEZING outside. Then, I'm going to make a healthy dinner of brussel sprouts in black bean sauce and basmati rice with mushrooms and onions, with coconut yogurt for a snack. And then I am going to stay up, potentially all night, and think very, very hard.

People have told me that I'm only thinking about getting back together with Max because I'm lonely. I have taken this into account, don't worry. They tell me that, sure, you can make as many mistakes as you want, but remember that people are fragile; you can't just go yanking their hearts around whenever you feel like it. Don't fret, I've thought about this too. I've thought about so much in the past days, like what I could have done instead, and what a big fucking idiot I am. Already, Rachel told me that I'm stupid.

I have to do whatever feels right. But that is incredibly hard for me to figure out, because I always second guess myself. Like, what if Max and I DO get back together. But along the line we realize that this isn't what we wanted, so we have to do this whole dance all over again. Also, what if Max doesn't want to get back together again. Well, I suppose there's nothing I can do about that then, so... Argh, life is so frustrating.

Well, I'm going to go and begin the meditation. I hope I have a clear answer soon.

Chiara said that dreams have truth in them. If you dream about how happy you are being with someone every night, that's a sign, right?

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