Thursday, April 1, 2010

I Got Nothing

Another dream about Max last night. They're getting a little more x-rated each time. He forgave me again. We were having a tour of Disney HQ (I know it doesn't make sense). I went to hold his hand, and he held mine back. He went to look out a window, and we almost fell out of it. He laughed, and then other dream weirdness happened.

Listening to Love Like A Sunset again, which is now my anthem. When I listen to this song, I feel invincible. Nothing can touch me, motherfuckers. I don't fall apart. I can do ANYTHING.

Unfortunately, there's nothing interesting to blog about lately, since I've been too preoccupied with my own terrible life. Listened to one new Radiolab show, but it was only a short one. It was about this old folks home in Austria, and most of their patients, being old, were losing their minds or had full blown Alzheimers. They were constantly escaping the home and just wandering off, looking for loved ones, the houses they grew up in, their parents, etc. They wound up on buses a lot of the time, and went to other towns and villages, 40 miles away sometimes.
One guy who worked there had an idea. Since most of these disillusioned oldsters would get on buses in their escape, his idea was the build a fake bus stop right in front of the home, as a sort of trap. They would go there, and wait for the bus, and wait and wait and wait. And eventually one of the staff would notice them, and be able to bring them safely back.

At first people thought this was a stupid idea, but they built the bus stop anyway. And it actually worked. The bus stop is immediately outside of the doors, so it's the first thing you see. And crazy old folk fell for the bait, and would just wait and wait for the bus, until a nurse came and coaxed them back.

I just thought that was cool.

Thought. Why am I letting myself feel terrible about all this? I did nothing wrong. I know, it is sad, and I hurt Max. But I've done nothing horrible. I should just get over it and stop being such a crybaby. Yeah, I miss Max a lot, more than I thought I would. But I'm going to get over this, and hope that I get to talk to him again one day.

Max, I wish you read these. I'm sorry.

FUCK. Nothing's ever going to be the same again.

PS. OH GOD, OH GOD, WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'VE MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE.
What if I fucked everything up. I fucked everything up. What if I could have fixed things. What if I acted too rashly; I got a feeling and just ran with it. Why do I feel like so much shit. I just want to sleep, sleep all day so I don't have to think, so I can just have dreams about you. Does everyone go through this? This is fucked up, this is so fucked up. I don't want to do ANYTHING but stay inside all day. It's too hard, it's making me tired. I just cry every day now. What if no one ever loves me again. Oh god, oh god, fuck fuck. I suppose I can't just go back to the way things were. I feel like I want to get back together with you, but you probably wouldn't go for that. I know you better than I know myself.

OOOOKKKAAAAY THERE EMO, just take a deeeeep deep breathe and chill the fuck out. This is all new and strange, and you've got to stop letting the panic show.

FUN FACT! That (see PS) is how my mind actually works!

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