Monday, March 29, 2010

Here's A Wish For The Future

3 years and 2 months.

I was 16 when I first met Max. Well, met online. We talked for almost 2 months online before we decided to meet in person. I was unaware that my friend Wendeanna had set the whole thing up. She said she knew a boy who looked an awful lot like Patrick Stump. Being the fan girl that I am, I messaged him on Nexopia (ah, the days of Nexopia). We talked, and talked and talked some more. I was starting to like him, and I had the feeling that maybe, just maybe, he liked me too. This was monumental at the time, because no one had EVER liked me before. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and all I did was think about him. Was it even possible that a boy as cute, interesting and nice as Max could like me back?

We went ice skating the first time we met. I had never been so nervous before in my whole life. He was a little bit late, and I thought he had bailed and wasn't showing up. Wendeanna and I started skating anyway, and then we saw him walk in, looking for us. Somehow, I grew a pair, and skated over, and tried not to look as nervous as I felt. We talked for a bit as he put on his skates, and then I found out he couldn't skate. At all. So, to remedy this, I linked arms with him the whole time. I know, right? Shy little Lisa? I couldn't believe it either, really. Wendeanna kept trying to skate ahead and leave us alone, but I was so nervous I didn't know what to talk about so I made her stick around. I don't even remember what I talked about, to be honest. And really, I wasn't even supposed to be there. The rule in my house was No Boys Until you're 17.

We went out for hot chocolate after, and then walked back to Wendeanna's house, where my dad said he would pick me up. As we were saying goodbye, Max hugged me. It was kind of a lingering hug, and my heart was beating so hard I felt like I was going to choke. Just as he turned to go, I realized he was still wearing my scarf from when I lent it to him. Later, he told me that had been his plan, to keep the scarf so he had another reason to see me again. That still makes me smile.

Hahaha, I just remembered the first time he kissed me on the cheek. Yes, just on the cheek, but I was like, mind blown. I couldn't even walk properly after that. It was only a kiss on the cheek, but I melted.

On January 26th, 2007, we officially started dating, and I got my first kiss. I considered keeping it a secret from my parents, but they found out anyway, since one of my dads friends saw us together, and then I was in trouble. Max had to come and meet my parents (well, mostly meet my dad) before we were really allowed to see each other. So he came over one night, after dinner. Christ, that was the most awkward, embarrassing thing I've ever had to sit through. It was like a game of 20 Questions, with my dad grilling Max for anything that would deem him unacceptable. But, he passed the test. After, as he was about to leave, I said "I am so, so sorry about that." and he said "It's okay. I wouldn't have done it for anyone else."

And then I was happy. We held hands, kissing turned to making out, I met his friends, we went on dates, had sex for the first time, celebrated anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas. I cried and he comforted me. We told each other about ourselves, and he became my best friend. No secret was safe from Max, because I would tell him everything. The best times were when we had tried to go to sleep but found we were wide awake, and talked and talked, sometimes for hours, about everything.

I don't think we ever had a real fight. There were times where we would get annoyed with each other (even though we wouldn't say anything, I could tell). Sometimes he'd bother me, sometimes I'd bother him, but we never fought. There were disagreements, but more often than not we were on the same page. He was a nicer person than me, however. Once, he tried to argue that he was meaner than me. I laughed.

For his birthdays, I made him dinner (God, I just realized we were only together to celebrate two of his birthdays), and I gave him two really good Christmas presents, his Canucks jersey, and the watch I got him last Christmas. I was so proud of those two, because I'd thought long and hard about them and picked something that he loved. I wanted to make them count because it's his favourite holiday.

We wrote each other love letters, poems, talked on MSN almost every night for the last 3 years, saw movies, and talked about the future.

I don't know when things changed. I think slowly, slowly, I was starting to feel unhappy. Not that anything was wrong with the relationship itself. No one had said or done anything wrong. I was just starting to wonder if this is what I really, really wanted, and if I would be happy with it for the rest of my life. And once you start to have thoughts like this, it's hard to ignore them. Even if we had kept going, they would just be there in the back of my mind. I began to wonder if maybe I was missing something. I felt like I wanted to experience more in life, and do a little more searching. And this sounds awful, but I wanted to try being with other people. I was also worried that if I ignored all these feelings now, one day, I would so something I regretted, like cheat on him. Or keep a secret.

I wrestled with these thoughts for a long time. Was I making the right decision? Or was I just acting on a whim? I didn't want to end things and then realize that he was still the only thing I wanted. I knew there wasn't going to be much turning back. Our philosophy had always been that a 'break' meant 'break up', so that wasn't an option. As for breaking up and then one day getting back together, chances seem slim. I've always thought that breaking up once is a sign that it's over.

I started to get anxious and tense all the time whenever I was around him, or talked to him, because all I could keep thinking was "Oh god, I know and you don't". I tried not to let him see this, but I think he did notice. He's a smart guy. He mentioned to me about a month ago that I seemed "disinterested". I laughed it off and denied it. Then he brought it up again last night, and I knew that I couldn't keep ignoring this. This past weekend at the Girl Guide camp, I mulled it over the whole time. I cried when everybody else had gone to bed, and I worried and worried myself until I felt sick.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and sadly I did it over MSN. Funny. Our relationship began online, and it ended online. I'd planned to meet up with him today and talk to him face to face. Jo said that it was only fair, that since I was going to hurt him, I should suffer a little too. But we were talking online when he brought up the disinterested thing again, and I just went for it. I asked if he wanted to meet up and talk in person, but he said that if it was something bad, he didn't want to let it fester in his head all night.

I think it took all of 30 minutes. We talked, I cried, he seemed very matter-of-fact, and then he said he was going to go, and that if I needed to talk to him I should let him know, otherwise he would find me when he was ready. The end.

I stayed up for about 2 hours after, just laying there and listening to the same song, over and over and over again (Ooo Ohh by Daniel Wesley). I finally passed out, and woke up this morning to cry some more. I dreamed about him last night. We were talking, I was topless, he sill wanted to be friends, we made out. Sigh, what a nice dream.

Went on Facebook to discover he had deleted me from his friend's list, and I don't know why, but that made it hurt so much more. I still can't imagine never seeing him or talking to him again. I can understand why he did it, but it just made me cry so much harder. It was that choking sob, I'm sure you've all experienced it once. I found myself wishing I really would choke. I never knew I could feel as awful as this.

Yet, no matter how shitty I feel, I think I made the right decision. It's not fair if one of us was into it and the other one wasn't. I can't stop crying (stupid pussy), but there's almost a feeling of relief wedged somewhere between the emptiness. For the first time in a long time, I belong solely to myself. Awful way to come about it, but it's an interesting feeling. And I'm vowing to make something of myself now. I'm going to allow myself one week, tops, of moping, and then I'm going to get out there and continue living. I was thinking about moving to Toronto one day, just to try something new. Also, I don't think I want to be in a serious relationship for a long time, although it's going to be awhile before I start thinking about dating again.

Fuck, I miss Max already. I just want to talk to him, to know how he's feeling. I'm so, so sorry Max. I almost wish you'd hate me. I just want you to know how much I still care about you, and I wish that it hadn't had to come to this. You're such an amazing person, and I wish I could just curl up and die for what I've done to you. And I hope, I really hope, that one day we can still talk to each other, and maybe even be friends. And if last night was the last time I ever talk to you, I wish you so much joy and success in life. You're an amazing person, you deserve nothing less.

And now I'm going to go and learn how to be single. I've been considering drinking myself to death, but Tanis told me not to, so I guess I won't do that. Man, I never knew I would need friends at all, but thank you guys for all the support you've already given me. You know who you are.

Here's a wish for the future.

PS. I wish that me and Max had more photos of us together. There are maybe 2 or three floating around online, but I wish I had a hardcopy of a photo of us, looking really happy.

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