Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Love Like A Sunset

"Hey, Lisa! How are you?"
"Miserable, thanks!"

I seriously never knew like I could feel like such shit before. I know I did the breaking up, but fuck me. I can't stop thinking about Max. I can't eat.

Don't get me wrong. I think I did make the right decision with all of this, no matter how much it hurts. But boy, how it hurts.

Gloria, one of my bosses at Famous Foods, gave me a little pep talk talk today, and it made me feel so much better. But then I went from UP up middle down DOWN. And I really can't figure out why I feel so fucking lousy. I know I made the right decision. God, what if I didn't? What if I just screwed myself out of the only happiness I'll ever know? This is fucked, this is so fucked up.

A few people have told me that the tears are a good sign. "If this didn't upset you at all, then that means the last three years have meant nothing." I have to agree with them. The last three years of my life HAVE been amazing, and I developed into a person I almost like during them. And I know I said this before, but Max was truly the best first boyfriend I could have ever asked for. I think I just changed so much, that I grew out of the relationship. We were so young when we met. Max said that it was a "stretch to think you'd be with your first boyfriend forever."

And I know that I DO want to date other people one day. I want to see what else is out there for me. But I didn't know I'd have to feel so fucked up beforehand.

Canucks and communists remind me of you,
now 20's and 26's hurt me too.

Is it fucked up that I almost wish I would get in an accident that was serious enough to send me to the hospital, so that Max would come and visit me? I dreamed about him again last night. He forgave me, and we went out to dinner. I couldn't stop staring at his lips and his unbuttoned shirt. Christ.

Jesus, this is only the second day. I am a faggot.

Lisa, what drives you to keep on truckin'?

Put my hood up, turn on my iPod, keep moving and never stop.

Did you like my little play on words up there?

Yes. Yes, I did.



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